Obama's Secret Shame: "I Like America"

LONDONDERRY, New Hampshire.  Opposition research funded by conservative groups has finally turned up what Republican Party operatives hope will be Democratic presidential candidate Barack Obama's 11th-hour Achilles heel--a used record album by the folk-rock group "America" with the name "B. Obama" printed neatly on the cover.

"Sure they were a one-hit wonder, but so were the Chi-Lites." 

Confronted with evidence of a past affection for the group on the campaign trail, Obama consulted with campaign staff before appearing at a news conference here last night to confront the charges.  "I'll admit it," Obama told tearful supporters.  "I like America."

America:  Possibly the whitest group of all time.

America is an English-American band formed in the 1970s that has recorded some of the wimpiest songs in rock history, including "Horse With No Name" and "Sister Golden Hair".  They are unrelated to the United States of America, a federation of states located in the northern and western hemispheres formed in the 1770s.

"Obama may talk the talk, but he listens to wimp rock!"

Black pseudo-leader Jesse Jackson, who has sparred with Obama over issues including Israel and personal responsibility, called for the Illinois senator to turn over his entire record collection to Jackson's Rainbow Coalition for review.  "I'm not saying he can't have a single Barbra Streisand album," Jackson told a crowd of angry, paid supporters, "but if he's got the soundtrack to Yentl, he's gone too far."

The revelation is expected to undermine Obama's support among blacks and to depress campaign contributions from liberal strongholds such as Cambridge, Massachusetts, where the news of Obama's tastes in music was received with dismay.  "If he's going to listen to folk rock," said Lauren Shiller-Hyphen-White, a massage therapist, "he should at least listen to Neil Young, who hates America."

Swing voters were divided on the effect of the last-minute revelation.  "Just because someone loves America doesn't make him a patriot," said Ida Hutton, of Sandusky, Ohio.  "You should also listen to Paul Revere and the Raiders."