She said I am blue
Almost no one heard her
They went on with their lives
Talking to and fro
amongst themselves
She had become invisible
The few who noticed her sadness
asked what is wrong
she didn't know
only that she was blue
Online she felt she had become a ghost
pushing her to the bedroom
and the world of books
Her heart filled with pain
not able to accomplish the simplest task
housework mocking her
needing to hide
in the written word
until the end of blue
She said I am blue
There was no one there
to hear
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Comments: 31
this
the tense changes from first to third person. Pick a point of view and stick with it.
there is a lack of imagery. certain lines like she had become invisible, or her heart filled with pain....I would recommend adding some original imagery to make it stand out from normal blue emotions (i.e transparent as icicles in the spring, she drinks cocoa on her own, gets the ideers right?)
this is definitely worth another revisionl best wishes with it!!!
A good critique always states a positive comment FIRST, then goes on to include well-worded and thoughtful suggestions for improvement.
actually, there is no formula for a good critique. Critiques are like people, unique and unable to fit nicely into a set agenda.
Also, I kinda figured the poor lass had been sugar coated with so many positive comments before mine, so that the whole thread could read as one solid critique.
You're one of my favorite writers here on Gather. Yoy have this ability to paint such evocative scenes.
It's about really feeling. It's not enough to merely exist. One must feel. This poem shows how deep your inner emotions can go.
Bravo. You're not alone. Even if we seem remote a bond remains.
I could feel her pangs of sadness,
not trying to reach out to anyone,
but just wandering through
the ever crowded places
That was amazing.
There's nothing else we can do but wait for the crash. Maybe it will be a slow leak and not a blow out.
Emotionally provoking and sad poem.
Blessings to you my friend...
thank you for being here...
lots of hugs ...
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E3
It's almost as if you had been in my head at some point.
I hope this is not how you are feeling and if it is that it passes soon.