As Quakes Rock Nevada Scientists Fear Giant...

RENO, Nevada. The Nuclear Regulatory Commission today declared Nevada under a state of emergency following a series of earthquakes that threatened to compromise nuclear wastes stored in underground facilities.

"Ohmigod--they're as tall as the hotel!"

"There is a risk--and I want to assure everyone that at this point it is just a risk--that the release of nuclear radiation could result in giant mutant Vegas showgirls," said NRC spokesman Nils Orthwein. "We could be looking up at legs that are two to three hundred feet in length."

Godzilla: "I heard there was a casting call for the Wayne Newton Revue."

A "showgirl" is a female dancer or entertainer in a stage entertainment show. Exposure to nuclear materials can result in dramatic increases in the size of living organisms, most notably in the case of Godzilla, the Japanese movie monster, who was awakened and mutated by the testing of an atomic bomb.

Another kind of bomb.

"Showgirls" also refers to a 1995 film about Las Vegas dancers that bombed at the box office but subsequently earned $100 million through home video rentals. "Many people who are embarrassed to watch a bad movie in public will watch it at home," said movie industry analyst Paul Goldys. "It helps if it has a lot of skin in it."

The prospect of giant mutant showgirls was greeted with alarm by neighboring Utah, whose wholesome Mormon population avoids alcohol, caffeine and Twister, the game that ties you up in knots.

Twister

"We can't afford to have giant mutant Las Vegas showgirls running all over our state," said Utah Director of Public Safety Wendell Hyde. "You buy one of them girls a drink, it would empty out all the liquor stores in the state."