Where's my willow switch and that wood shed?

We all saw John McCain's mom walk and stand up unassisted during the convention.  She is in pretty good shape for someone in her 90's.  It was impressive, really.  Moms?  We support our children no matter what. I am sure she is no different as it is this unconditional love that helps the world go 'round.  Love must be combined, however, with our God-given duty to civilize the little twerps.   On this issue, looking at John McCain's behavior since the end of the primaries, no matter what she did, he has chosen another path. 

The deal is after you grow up, we mothers keep our mouths shut or you make sure we don't see you.  We know there is little we can do to change other people. You are who you are, or at least that is what most of us believe.  As a woman with some life experience, however, I have seen old dogs - both sire and bitch - learn new tricks.  (No political pun intended here unless it amuses you.)  Earning the shame of one’s ancestors in many cultures is humiliating. Today I fantasized about how I would shame John McCain and Sarah Palin if I had that Grandmother power.

Involved grandparents see their grandchildren without any rose colored glasses, so in my fantasy below, I become the imaginary Grandmother of McCain and Palin. This was not too much of a stretch, as they seem to be two peas from the identical pod.

Dear grandchildren,

Know I love you both no matter what, but lately I have had to resort to calming myself with more than my usual dose of Scripture.  Luckily for you two, the Bible clearly instructs, "Hate the sin, not the sinner", and so I will, but Jesus, Mary and Joseph! What the H*LL do you two think you are doing?

Ladies first, so here goes.

Painting Obama as a 'domestic terrorist', Sarah?  You know better.  How does one 'pal around' with a man of Ayers (and John's) age - who was a lefty but incidentally never convicted of any crime - when Obama was 8 years old and not even living in the same state?  Oh, and making wild accusations about living in the same neighborhood signifies the same values? Do you really believe being a neighbor means you condone another neighbor's actions and activities?

Applying that logic would mean that you, my dear, support the many rapists and domestic abusers who live in Wasilla and are your neighbors.  Oh, and on that subject. Making the rape victims pay for their rape kits seems pretty medieval.  Whose idiotic idea was that? Bad press, even with all those kids you made while walking the walk. (Your words, dear.)

Anyway, moving on, try not to misquote the New York Times. Those liberals understand nuance.  It makes you look like you can’t read.  Their article on the supposed 'Ayers-Obama' connection determined that there was no relationship other than the casual one of both serving on the same charity board 30 years after there was any controversy over Ayers' politics or actions.  Besides, he’s a professor and those guys earn their credentials as radicals unless they work at the Naval Academy. Besides, I've served on charity boards with all kinds of people, even Republicans like you two.

Referring to yourself as a 'pitbull with lipstick' gave me a laugh, but acting like one, Sarah?  That isn't funny.  You may be saying what the outback or bar crowd wants to hear, but even the most ignorant, illiterate voter knows you are full of crap.  (No offense meant against the extended family on your husband's side.)

Sarah, you really need to comport yourself like a lady too. By the way, who is Joe-Sixpack? Are you having an affair I should know about?  Cut out the winking too, as men misinterpret that for sure.  Talk about the issues and don’t criticize your opponent either.  Didn't your mother teach you to keep your eyes on yourself and not focus on other people's flaws?  It makes you look superior. I know your thinking is incredibly narrow, but still, maybe you should talk about what you know.

For instance, not too many states have moose, but there is your belief in Creationism, the earth being, what, 6,000 years old?  That plays well in the deep south with the whites. And how you think some books should be banned from the Wasilla library; that's your viewpoint and don’t let anybody tell you that you don’t have a right to it.  In spite of the latest Supreme Court Judges appointed by Bush, we still live in a free society until someone else dies or retires, so you go, girl! 

And then there is that fascinating, traveling, witch-hunting minister. He's an interesting character and so dramatic with all that talk about witchcraft and snakes!  Besides, it was probably his prayers that got you elected as governor.  Heck, maybe we should put him in the White House cause that man doesn't mind praying for money.  That might be the real solution to paying back the trillions of dollars in debt America has racked up in the last eight years.  You really should get a hold of that guy right away.  You know, show you're not racist by claiming he's one of your friends.

By the way, the polls are saying you and John are going to lose.  I never believe the polls, do you?  Those pollsters lie, no matter what, as they all have an agenda and are funded by partisan political interests. 

Besides, you're a great hunter and a really good politician.  Look at where you are now even with no real executive or management background or even any international travel experience under your belt.  Not too many people could do what you have already done - like getting Wasilla indebted for $22 million - while you were mayor.

Heck, where are those earmarks when you need 'em, right?  When I consider you did all this while popping out five kids and still keeping your eye on that secessionist husband of yours, I cannot help but be impressed.  

Imagine, it was less than 100 years ago that women got the vote and look at you now!  What was that slogan? "You've come a long way, baby".  Yeah, that was it.  Hold on a minute, I can't find my cigarettes or where I left my beer.  Don’t bother to point out it's not noon yet. I don't punch a clock these days.  Why should I worry about those stodgy old rules when not even the Big Banks and Wall Street give a d*mn about ethics or regulation.

Oh, and Sarah?  It sounded awful, even to me, when you said you would 'tolerate' gay people and that you would 'counsel' women pregnant from rape or incest to 'choose life'.  Are you effing kidding me?  Why is any love between other adults your business and where is your compassion for other women?  And did you misquote Madeleine Albright the other day by saying there is a special hell for women who don't support women?

Maybe you did not understand that what she said was 'women who don't help other women'.  She was referring to supporting women's rights, not voting for you and John so that you can try to take them away.  Funny, I didn't realize Madeleine was one of your idols or role models, but maybe there is hope for you yet.

Not everything in the world revolves around either of you or your twisted viewpoints.  I thought your parents taught you that, but obviously this instant fame has gone to your head.  Now, I'll let you think about what I said, but you had better keep it clean from here on out.  Otherwise I'll come out and start spilling the beans to that People Magazine.

They've been hounding me, you know, and there's some kind of balloon thing on my fifty-year mortgage that's coming due soon.  The reporter told me all they want to know is a little about you both when you were teens, so don't tempt me..  Lately you’ve been out of control and trying to shame our good name with your 12th century attitudes toward your fellow citizens.  But that's enough for now.  I'll write you a separate email later, Sarah, so as not to embarrass you both in front of each other. We can go over some of the details.  Oh, that damn National Enquirer is leaving a message on the answering machine now, but I’ll call them back later.

Anyway, John, at first I was so proud of you.  I know you thought you could win and that was why you swore in front of millions of people that you were going to set the tone and pledged to run an above-board campaign. Your words were music to my ears, dear, but now I realize you figured Hillary would do all the dirty work. She did a great job, all the while claiming it was good for Obama to be vetted.  To toughen him up, she claimed unashamedly and then that slut of hers, Bill.  He was so perfect, alluding to race in all those subtle ways, as only Bill Clinton the first 'black' president ever could.

He’s an arrogant S.O.B., isn’t he? He’s been useless since that one speech he managed to choke out. Personally, I hold him responsible for setting the stage for both the Bush administrations and your candidacy. Who would have thought with your unstable background you would get your finger near that nuclear button. Oh, right. I meant to write ‘Nu-Ku-Lure’. Did you notice, Sarah, you say it exactly the same way? I had to grit my teeth that last time I heard you speak.

You know, John, when you picked Sarah to shore up your campaign I thought it was a bit ridiculous, but you always had an eye for a pretty girl.  Of course, I understood that, even though she was your much younger cousin and you hardly knew her.  Besides, she is family. 

Yes, America successfully sells everything from vitamins to viagra with a sexy lady, so that was a good one, John.  You earned the votes of all those people out there that think with what's in their pants.  It was genius when you also consider those voters who want to make sure we have a president and vice president who are at least as stupid as we are.  Kudos on that one!  Who came up with it, Karl Rove, Steve Schmidt or Rick Davis?  Don't try to tell me it was all you, because I won't believe it.:) LOL.

But planning, aiding and abetting those in your party and on your campaign team that are slinging everything they possibly can to obscure the issues and take attention away from our real problems in this country, John?  Remember that cliche from the past, "It's the economy, stupid!"  Aren't you just a little ashamed of yourself?  If not, you certainly should be.  Winning at the expense of country is not our family value.

You should know I saw you in that last debate, John.  Candidly, I was relieved that neither of the Admirals were still alive. Please don't do a repeat tonight, or you will alienate everyone but the ignoramuses who make up your neo-conservative base.  What?  They are expecting you to be a pr*ck again?  Don't worry about it.  They hate blacks, and if they get upset with you tonight for being too soft, all you have to do tomorrow is send around that photo-shopped picture of Obama with a turbin in that email forward.  I’m sure somebody on your staff has a copy of it. I think it also had a headline of 'Obama, Secret Muslim, Attended a Madrasah as a Child'.

It surprised me that one worked as you guys also keep showing us clips of his previous Christian minister, Jeremiah Wright.  How did your base coordinate those two things?  Oh, you probably are concerned that it isn’t all really politically correct.  Jeessh.  That's never stopped you before.  You are both mavericks, remember?  You can be a racist and call it patriotic just so long as you wave that effing flag high enough.  You've done that kind of thing throughout your career, so nobody will be surprised to see you talking out of both sides of your mouth.  That's quite a carnival trick, by the way.  (Give credit where credit is due.)

"Americans who do not see America as we do"?  Implying that Obama isn’t a real American, even though he was born in Hawaii or that he is somehow different because his father immigrated to this country? If you imply this makes him suspect, you might lose quite a few Hispanic (Latino) voters whose parents or grandparents are or were immigrants.  Really, John.  Where did this overt prejudice come from? Are you having problems with your maids again?

You should know how to be subtle and subliminally input racist implications by now. On this same note, the overt sexism is way out of line too.  Cindy should walk next to you too, John. It makes her look subservient, or maybe even Japanese, trailing behind you like that looking so pathetic.

Just so you know where I stand, a woman should be in control of her own body, no matter what any man believes, or she is simply not equal. There are some restraints conservative women would like to impose on you guys, too, but the majority of us recognize that your reproductive organs are sacred as is what you do in the privacy of your own home. All that self-love is strictly your private business and I will support your rights in this regard until the day I die. Excuses (or struggles) over the frequency of marital relations aside, what freedom does a woman have if you or any other person can control what she does with her own body?

Don't tell me you care about life either, John, because if you did you would never support the death penalty. You would also have at least thirty-five pregnant girls living in your 13 mansions so they would not abort their fetuses, you would support sex education and birth control in addition to ‘abstinence’ and you would not be a conservative republican. 

Actually, the words 'd*mn hypocrite' come to mind lately. All women should have a difficult time proofing your claims of compassion for the unborn fetus after your apparent lack of the same for that poor first wife of yours. She is still afraid to say anything because she's dependent on your financial support and we know you have a temper and can be vengeful.  Nothing against Cindy, but I thought the first one had some dignity.

After that accident when she lost her willowy looks, 5 or 6 inches off her leg bones and ended up on a bag, she wasn't quite your cup of tea anymore.  You got rooked, right?  Leave your swimsuit beauty queen to serve your country and come back to a cripple.  You can tell people what you want, but didn’t marrying an heiress after being a cheatin' husband for two or three years seem a little cheesy, even to you?

Okay, so maybe it wasn't all your fault.  After all, you were tortured as a P.O.W., and obviously you had to detach from reality in order to survive that horrible ordeal.  That can change a man or woman. We all praise and value your service to America, period, just as we do those other vets who sacrificed it all for our country. This does not give you a free ride to the White House, however. After the Keating Five scandal I really thought you had learned your lesson and would be a good boy. Thank God you had such great lawyers, but how come that one turned on you and supported Romney in the primary?

We all tried to overlook that friendship you had with Keating, and all those vacations and campaign donations he made to you. During the last eight years, however, what did you do? You hooked up with that king-pin of deregulation, Phil Gramm, and his policies seem to be the main reason our financial markets were completely deregulated, went out of control and have now flat-lined.

Actually you are more radical on the war than George Bush, but don't get me started on how one fails upward or I'll run out of bytes.  Those who love you call this erratic behavior of late nothing more than your maverick style, but we all know you are not quite right these days.  Whether it is mental instability from your military service or merely an inability to keep your lust for the presidency contained, I am very, very concerned about you.

I hesitate to say this, but as your grandmother I must.  In fact, I am very, very concerned about you both, and I believe each of you would greatly benefit from some serious professional help.  You are both on the dole in a way, so please don't tell me you don't have access to mental health care or cannot afford it.  You and Sarah have the best insurance benefits in the country. Neither of you are suffering like average Americans, no matter how many 'g's you drop, Sarah, or how corn pone you try to be, John. 

One last thought.  I hope this mortgage crisis didn't affect either of you.  Oh, I forgot, John.  You probably don't even have a mortgage with Cindy's huge bucks.  Does she give you an allowance still or has she put your name on anything yet?  It seems about time, as it's been well over twenty years since you plucked that little debutante right off the Cotillion dance floor.  Okay, so that's really none of my business, but I hope you didn't sign one of those awful pre-nups.  I read in the news that you didn't even know how many houses you had.  Is that really true?  John, you need to take your personal economics more seriously.  You can't always depend on other people to pay the bills or leave the heavy lifting to somebody else. Man up!

Particularly after these last eight years, John, I need to admire and respect my president. I cannot worry about my grandson and his sick sense of humor and his ‘bomb, bomb, bomb Iran’ jokes. Also, you should have known who the President of Spain is. Being bottom of your class in the Naval Academy is no excuse! You and your cousin just do not fit the bill. I, like most Americans, am sick and tired of Presidents who only know how to cause trouble and always want to ‘fight, fight, fight’. 

I will always love you both, of course, even though you certainly deserve to lose this election.  You have fooled some of the people, of course. After this Wall Street fiasco (that you helped create, John,) and the Iraq war (that you also feverishly championed) and the absurdity of picking your cousin as your running mate (sorry, Sarah), you'll never fool 50% of the American people this time.

No matter how many smears you, Schmidt, Rove and Sarah come up with in the last few weeks of the campaign, 54 million Americans cannot afford to be that stupid ever again.

I know you two are known for being tolerant and such freedom fighters that I have no doubt you'll accept my final comment gracefully.  As much as I love you guys, I am voting for Obama.

Love always,
Grandma