One Hour and Thirty One Minutes of Recession Relief

Colonel Possum’s Recession Chronicles (previous episode):

The $700 Million Dollar Chicken Ranch

“Who’s this one? She’s pretty like Sage*,” Big Molly sat on a kitchen barstool watching our T.V. We had just returned from delivering the handrails she fabricated for the clinic. It was now kickback time at the Old Hippie’s Corner (OHC).

"That’s Maria Bartiromo the CNBC reporter. You’re right. She’s got a beautiful Mediterranean face like Sage. Molly, why the hell are you watching the Business Channel?” I brought in a few cold ones from the porch refrigerator and joined Molly at the counter.

“I’m getting smart on this economy mess. Mary on the T.V. here says Americans lost 1.4 trillion dollars last Monday in the deer market.”

“Deer market? What’s that?”

“The Doe Jones!”

“Oh lord, Molly! That’s the DOW Jones, it’s a stock market index.”

“Huh? Like cattle and stuff?”

“No, that’s a livestock market…”

“Wait a damn minute! You got this ole gal’s head a’spinning with all this market doubletalk. I wish Sage were home, she’d tell me what’s going on. She can get things down to where the goat can get at it!”

“Where do want to start?”

“Last weekend you said we had to bail out fat cats in a credit market so their mansion wouldn’t burn down.”

“That’s right, $700 billion taxpayer dollars.”

“So, how much is 1.4 trillion dollars?” Molly took off her polka dot weld cap and gave her big noggin a scratch.

“It’s twice that.”

“OK, so let me get this straight. The Washington meat puppets voted down the $700 billion thing so Americans could lose a trillion?”

 “You got it! But that was Monday.”

“Mary here…”

“Molly, that’s ‘Maria,’ ‘Maria Bartiromo’,” I took a big swallow of Coor’s Lite, it would be a long Friday afternoon at the OHC.

“Yeah, OK…whatever. Mary here says that some of that trillion was pensions and retirement money!” Molly pulled her cap tight over her braids and pointed at the T.V. as a key defense witness in a courtroom.

“At least the part that’s invested in the stock market. Folks are mad as hell and that scared the politicians into voting for the bailout today.”

“…and what happened to the deer market after that?”

“It went down the toilet again! It’s like they spent so much time arguing over the color of the fire truck, the house burnt down by the time they got there.”

“No, it’s worse than that Colonel! See I AM getting smart on this! Mary on the T.V. says the meat puppets added a bunch of other crap to the $700 billion bailout. She says they got tax breaks in there for wooden arrow makers and Puerto Rican rum.”

“I could use a little rum, boo. How about a Texas Mai Tai?” I joked lamely and noticed Molly wasn’t laughing, “I understand the wooden arrows were for a Boy Scout Troop in someone’s district.”

“Is that THEIR money?”

“No. It’s your money Molly, taxpayer money.”

“I ain’t got no money, I ain’t got no pension and I ain’t got no retirement in a deer market.”

“You’ve got a boatload of Bonus Points at the truck stop casino!”

“That’s polecat mean, Colonel!”

“We ain’t got no diesel in our fuel tanks!” Elko Mono joined the chorous. Molly’s half-Paiute, half-sister walked through the back porch door with a twelve-pack in tow.

 “That’s it, Colonel!” Molly snapped her finger as an idea registered beneath her polka dots, “Elko could make them arrows for the Boy Scouts. She’s a real Indian and can do it better than some factory in somebody’s dumb ass district! With the profits we could fill our tanks and get back to trucking!”

“I’ll show the little shit-snots HOW to make an arrow; they can make their own arrows. I’ll mange the operation and drive my truck too!” Elko raised her beer for a Friday afternoon toast.

“That’s called 'Capitalism without Big Government'!” I tipped my can with theirs, “Here’s to my ole hippie gals. Maybe there is hope if our country can get back to basics!”

“CHEERS!” the sister’s shouted.

I clicked off Maria Bartiromo and put a NetFlix DVD in the T.V. tray.

“What are we going to watch, Colonel?” Molly asked.

“Monty Python and the Holy Grail.”

“That’s old as the hills, Colonel. Remember how we’d twist up doobies and watch that movie at the Magic Lantern Theater.”

“1975, hon,” I pushed the play button, “Here’s one hour and thirty one minutes of recession relief.”

Cheers,

Colonel Possum

Copyright Colonel Possum Publishing Co.

Next episode: The Fort Knox Blues at the OHC

* You can read more about Colonel Possum, Sage, Big Molly and Elko Mono and their heyday in the Sixties. Here’s a good place to start:

When Small Rock Bands First Roamed the Earth