by Fearless Fred
Member since:
April 15, 2008

I have to struggle some days to find the joy I had as a child

October 03, 2008 11:53 AM EDT (Updated: October 04, 2008 07:46 AM EDT)
views: 120 | rating: 10/10 (25 votes) | comments: 52

This is one of those days

 

I was sexually, physically, emotionally and psychologically abused starting at age eight.


my older brother and his friends caused me so much trauma that it took me thirty some years before I could look in the mirror and love that person.


Twenty some years of therapy later


I have to struggle some days to find the joy I had as a child


This is one of those days
-f-
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Comments: 52

Some days we can't remember being happy. Some days you just have to look at how far you've come and find joy in that.
Heather C. Oct 3, 2008, 12:03pm EDT
How awful! It was not your fault. You didn't cause it. I have problems looking in the mirror too. I understand. I cannot understand why what happened to me happened. It messed me up identity wise as well as other issues.

We can't go back and change the past. What has helped me is my beliefs. Jesus thought I was worth dying for...so I must be worth a lot.

Counseling has helped me too. My psychologist says it is amazing I am as functional as I am for what I went through.

You did not cause this but it did affect you. It took me a long time to realize that the sexual abuse I experienced made me different than I would have been. I try not to go there and have decided who I want to be and what I want. It tormented me for years and not going there in my head has made it go mostly away.

I hope this helps.
Peter Joseph Swanson Oct 3, 2008, 12:03pm EDT
Yikes
LEЯA © Politcally Incorrect M. Oct 3, 2008, 12:03pm EDT
I have days like that, too, Fred. It's a good thing no two days are alike.

I found that I had to make some happy memories for myself when I got older.
Leah Christensen Oct 3, 2008, 12:05pm EDT
I don't know how people can do such things to other people.
Heather ~of the Whippets~ M. Oct 3, 2008, 12:06pm EDT
Wishing you sunshine, Fred.
Anne W. Oct 3, 2008, 12:12pm EDT
Hope your day gets better!
Jennifer R. Oct 3, 2008, 12:19pm EDT
That is so good to hear. I love that one of you as a little boy! Hang in there my friend. Somedays when you hit rock bottom the only thing to do is go up and todays looks like you are up!
mary bryant Oct 3, 2008, 12:22pm EDT
Sorry.....Keep the faith
Sheila Deeth Oct 3, 2008, 12:24pm EDT
Some days... So sorry, and so glad there are other days.
Shing Wedzi Oct 3, 2008, 12:34pm EDT
Thank you for your brave and honest post, Fred. I hope you are able to get up, go outside in the fresh air, and go for a walk--maybe a long walk. And on that walk, I hope you are able to reflect on some of your recent joys, along with some of your childhood joys. Maybe you will experience some current joys. And I hope those present and past joys bring you comfort.
Stephannie H. Oct 3, 2008, 12:39pm EDT
Those days are long gone for me. I cannot enjoy any part of life anymore. I hate it.
Wilma D. Oct 3, 2008, 12:43pm EDT
Hugs Fred. Take a moment to speak to that fragile, hurting child. Love him and comfort him in the way he needed but never got. Treat yourself the way you treat your friends. And get out in the sunshine and do something childlike like blowing bubbles or playing with a puppy. Hug hug hug!
Sharon P. Oct 3, 2008, 1:01pm EDT
I too walked that road. Father instead of brothers. Same result. Simple thing to remember.
They were guilty. We were not!
Pamela O. Oct 3, 2008, 1:07pm EDT
{{HUGS}} Fred... you and I have a lot of childhood trauma in common. There are some days when it feels impossible to get out of bed, aren't there?
Brenda (square peg in a round hole) H. Oct 3, 2008, 1:22pm EDT
Your not alone Fred. Big hugs for you.
Sharon B. Oct 3, 2008, 1:47pm EDT
thanks for sharing
M & M. Oct 3, 2008, 2:13pm EDT
I'm sorry to hear this, as I can relate very much to you.
I have God to help me. I find that when I watch a show or hear the news, it triggers my memories back too much. Everything is real and present again. Try to avoid things that enhance those horrible memories. Sending you my prayers, and a big (((HUG))). God bless you dear.
Judy Knudle Oct 3, 2008, 2:14pm EDT
:::hugs::: Hang in there, Fred.
Heather S. Oct 3, 2008, 2:18pm EDT
Chin up, Fred! I too traveled a similar path at the hands of a relative. Know you are NOT alone and have friends who care for you!!!!!
Joe T. Oct 3, 2008, 2:25pm EDT
Hi Fred. I had no idea that you endured this as a child. It was wrong and not your fault. Good luck and better days are coming.
Maria W. Oct 3, 2008, 2:29pm EDT
Keep the faith fred.sorry
benjamin o. Oct 3, 2008, 2:45pm EDT
I think every family should have a conference each month to find out where there is tension and eliminate them.
Zahid Perwez Oct 3, 2008, 3:24pm EDT
Try to find it in smaller things in life..........
Elmo A. Oct 3, 2008, 3:30pm EDT
you are being a good friend to many here on Gather - be proud of that
Fearless Fred Oct 3, 2008, 3:58pm EDT
thank you all

I just got back from trimming the bushes in the front yard
Bryan "That 80's Dude" B. Oct 3, 2008, 4:03pm EDT
Fred, I hate that your childhood was so traumatic. Just remember as mem we have the option of have 2nd 3rd and 4th childhoods...only we have the choice to make them what we want this time around :)

Have a great weekend!
Bryan "That 80's Dude" B. Oct 3, 2008, 4:04pm EDT
mem...umm I meant men
glenda j. Oct 3, 2008, 4:12pm EDT
bless u
Trudy P. Oct 3, 2008, 4:25pm EDT
Sending hugs your way!
Trudy P. Oct 3, 2008, 4:25pm EDT
Thank you for posting your work to Group E-mails Always Welcome Here.
Lisa Frost Oct 3, 2008, 4:59pm EDT
Fred,

I have responded to this privately. I hope you have seen that you are not alone. Though we each have to face the demons that caused this feeling, you are surrounded by people that love and respect you for WHO YOU ARE. I am also sending my prayers and {{{{{{{HUGS}}}}}}} to you to help you. Find your peace and joy, and don't let them take it away from you.
Fearless Fred Oct 3, 2008, 5:49pm EDT
never let em see you sweat
Pam S. Oct 3, 2008, 6:02pm EDT
I am so sorry to hear that!
Lyn Owen Oct 3, 2008, 7:08pm EDT
When I feel like that I try to go for a walk in a woods or on a beach.
CyberGwen ! Oct 3, 2008, 8:01pm EDT
I am sorry. There are days that I can focus on the present and days that I can't escape my childhood either. I am wishing that this day goes fast for you:)
Sandi S. Oct 3, 2008, 8:58pm EDT
I want to hug you, Fred, and take it all away.
Angela A. Oct 3, 2008, 9:03pm EDT
I feel very blessed myself, that I was only mentally tortured by my fellow school mates.
Luckily, I had very wonderful parents, and grandparents who saved me.
I feel terrible for you. I'm giving you positive vibes, and virtual hugs.
Georgiana S. Oct 3, 2008, 9:14pm EDT
You are alive and able to cope,that is a reason for being happy
Shirl T. Oct 3, 2008, 10:16pm EDT
SO SORRY TO HEAR THIS HOPE YOUR DAY IS BETTER
suey v. Oct 3, 2008, 10:20pm EDT
I wish you better and happier days ahead!
Patti M. Oct 3, 2008, 10:23pm EDT
Bless you Fred. At least you have come out the other side. On these days speak to the Lord and ask him to take the wheel for the day. Aske him to help you make it through.
Writing in a Gratitude Journal everyday really helps. That makes you focus on the positive.
Beth G. Oct 3, 2008, 11:58pm EDT
I am so sorry you went through all of this. I really respect you for becoming a strong man out of this horrific experience.
dee b. Oct 4, 2008, 12:06am EDT
Many of us have had to walk long hard journeys in life. Some parts of those journeys we would like to forget. But sometimes remembering them can make you strong. Its not an easy task. And for each it is done differently. I myself have not had the best of childhood, perhaps that is why, I allow my self to be childlike at times, to give myself what I felt I was cheated out of. We all can rise above our tribulations, if life it important enough. Find joys in the little things in life and appreciate them when they happen.
Let the past be the past as much as you can. Only hold onto the things, you have cherished the most. The things that hurt us, before have to be let go, and you have to look ahead. Unfortunately we cannot undue, what was done, but we can strive to make the best of the present and the future.
Hugs to you friend. May the rest of the journey in life, be all that you hope it will.
Jennine D. Oct 4, 2008, 12:55am EDT
Fred I have literally walked in your shoes and know what your mean and how your feel. I had the same treatment as well as a child. But I found my way with God and his love, the love of my husband and children, grandchildren and others who love me. But even now at almost age 60 I do have days but not as bad or as often. I did have lots and lots of counseling and I am not afraid to talk about it and did confront my abusers and some of them got counseling and help as well and I forgave them. I have learned to love myself and others. But I do have some trust issues still with people and some such as my now former pastor as of May 24th I felt so shaken by his attitude and attack on me out of the blue and for no good reason other than other peoples jealousy long story. I walked away from that church but not all the people just the better than though adminstration cult dictorial attitude that goes against what my bible tells me. So I know and been there and know the hurt, the sadness, the mis-trust, the shame and lonliness but as dee said, Find joy in the little things of everyday. I do and it helps.
Maryjo E. Oct 4, 2008, 2:50am EDT
God Bless and hang in there ((Big Hugs)) Mj
Wilhelmine Estabrook Oct 4, 2008, 7:18am EDT
I echo Wilma D's comment. Whatever happened, you've made it to this point. I doubt the abusers' lives can be very happy. Fortunately those low days pass. So have a good wallow, then make your life beautiful from here on out.
Fearless Fred Oct 4, 2008, 8:02am EDT
Times are like clouds in the sky

some are easy going and quiet

some are loud and bring despair

one things for certain

this too shall pass
April H. Oct 4, 2008, 11:24am EDT
A big hug to you
Ian B (in Toronto) Nov 7, 2008, 4:49pm EST
Fred: I hope all days are not like the one you described here.
Often the past is SO difficult to leave behind. I hope the present and future are better.
Melanie B. Nov 21, 2008, 11:26am EST
So sorry to hear this ~ Here is a ((HUG)) for you.
Melanie B. Nov 21, 2008, 11:26am EST
~This is coming to you, from the "The Graveyard Hours."

Just to let you know, this submission has now been removed from the group. Because it has reached the groups limit of 30 comments. Congratulations to you~
We cannot wait to see more of your work. Thanks so much for sharing it with us.

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