So Sick and Tired of My Husband

I hear your frustration.
It sounds like you both need to communicate about it.
Resentments can build up and really ruin a relationship.

Maybe later on he'll take on more household responsibilities that are "typically male" like taking care of the yard and washing the cars and doing home maintenance. I know it's a bummer to get stuck with all the tedious housework. Maybe you could just take things easier and lower your standards until you both have more time to dedicate to household chores.

Nag, Nag, Nag.......

OMG...that sounds SO familiar....my husband said he'd clean the bathroom...and that was a while ago....I refuse to do it...(and I've been using the downstairs one to brush my teeth, etc)....I don't know how he can stand it...it's driving me nuts

Communication is the key! If you don't communicate soon, there will be nothing to communicate about later.

I would say, keep a chart on what he does and what you do around the house. It sounds anal, but it may make a difference, when you sit down to have a family meeting. Also keep track of the nice things you do for each other.

I like what Faith said.

He'll never change. When he is finished with his classes he will get a job in his field and find more excuses of why he can't help out. You will either have to grin and bear it or get rid of him altogether. My vote, get rid of him, why be agravated the rest of your life? And you know you will.

Well...sometimes it is even harder to not have anyone to help you at all. I have been divorced for over 10 years and raising a 10 year old daughter and it seems like I just have to do EVERYTHING!! It can get really overwhelming at times!!!

So sorry to hear this, hope you can work things out, God Bless

I'm sorry as well. I hope you guys can sit and talk this out.

My husband and I go through the same thing. He finds things perfectly okay when I consider things to be a complete wreck. He looks around and goes "What?" Although I do have to say that most of the time he does not complain that I don't do it. He just doesn't really care if it's done at all. Sheesh

hi, i agree that communication is key, BUT afterwards actions speak louder than words....perhaps a reward ala Pavlov's dog technique may change his behavior!...hehehe

cheers,gayle

Better communication is a MUST and soon....good luck!

This reminds me about a book I read on making a marriage work. It was a really great book. I read it because it applies to all relationships in a way =). I can't remember the exact title now but a situation like this was described.

Nevermind, I found it! http://www.amazon.com/Seven-Principles-Making-Marriage-Work/dp/0609601040

Were you there to fold his clothes for him when he was out at sea, or was away. You didn't do it did you.
I didn't get married until after I got out of the navy. I learned fold and put away my own clothes from when I was old enough to fold them. Did his mother fold and put away his clothes for him when he was home?

try explaining him to him how you fell ...

I wash clothes and put them away, load the dishwasher and put dishes away. Clean carpets, sometimes mop floors. Sometimes wash walls. Once in a while iron clothes.
Do you iron his uniforms or send them out?

I try to pick my battles. If you know it's something he hates to do then I try to find something he is more likely to do. My boyfriend hates to wash silverware so I never ask him to do it. I do ask him to put away the dishes and he's cool with that. Today I started dusting while we were chatting and he stood up and took out the vacuum while I dusted and he vacuumed for me without asking. We've been together a year and a half and it took this long but now he's helping without being asked. Whoo hoo.

My hubby washes his own clothes, but, that's about it.
Other stuff, I have to remind him to do twenty million times.
His short term memory is terrible.
Our house has been a mess for months. I do little pick ups every once in a while so I don't trip and hurt myself.
But, other than that, I've been on strike.
Only doing dishes or laundry for the kids.
The bathroom rarely gets clean.
I just got tired of doing 90% housework all the time.

I can relate, Selene.

It is hard because you have already set a sort of pattern of behavior already. You do everything and he does nada. Talking about how it makes you feel may help. Sorry.

hmmmm I do everything except "work for a living"

The only way to resolve these issues is to agree to sit down on a regular schedule (I suggest every night for now) for 15 minutes and go over what you expect of each other. Spell it out. You have to do this.

I can understand your frustration. Guys should help out more but a lot of time they really don't realize what they are doing because of other priorties.

I can understand completely!

Communication is important. We had to do a shake up around here, where we discussed what exactly needs done on a regular basis and who was going to take what job. I'd been asking him to do certain ones, but he hated those. In the end he chose some he didn't mind so much, and it's been less of a struggle, though I do still have to remind him - now one reminder works instead of it being a constant problem. Good luck, Selene.

It's more aggrevating when they have the nerve to complain that something needs to be done and then walk away!

Let me just say I don't have that problem with my BF - he's neater than me, but my late husband, forget it, it was always a struggle.

I just do it myself.

Thanks, everyone.

Larry - When he's out on the ship, no I can't do anything for him. When he's in Norfolk, I drove down there (4 hours one way) and did his dishes and laundry for him. Plus, I still did my own house work in Fairfax.

Oh and by the way, when he was in Norfolk, he wasn't taking any classes at all. He played PS2 in the afternoon after he got off.

Every time when we talk about this, he just asks, "What did you do? What did you do?" So Alison is right, I need to write down everything we did.

ditto on what Faith said . Also I had a friend give me some insight on communication . You both have to make sure you not only hear what the other person has to say , but understand it as well . And unfortunately men get busy with their own stresses and forget entirely about the chore they said they would do- doesn't matter that it is under their noses . They just don't see it . Just a fact of life .

I have the same issue with my dh. He comes home and his items explode all over the house. Now that I am in school he will have to help out more. Right now I am just sick of doing it all because he is gone. LOL if all else fells I can piss him off and he will clean the whole house.

Here, my house isn't the neatest. I work FT and take graduate courses. He works FT and takes in extra shifts when he can. Plus, we try to help out with our nieces. So, we do what we can when we can.

The status quo won't change by itself. Need to do something about it.
However, if the situation is too hard to change, we have to change the way we think/feel, to keep us sane/happy.

Honestly, I think thats just the breaks of marriage. If you really love him you're just gonna have to suck it up.

I go to school full time, am a single mom for most of the month (hubby works out of town) work a part time job and still have to do the majority of the housework. Its life!

I would add, whatever work you do is probably invisible to and taken for granted by your husband, but what he is doing, he probably thinks is a big deal. That is why it would be valuable to keep track.

My husband thinks I don't do anything either. So he doesn't help. I have a basket by teh dryer for his clothes once I fold them. It has been there for over 6 months. He just uses it as a dresser. So, I don't have any suggestions for you. Good luck.

Don't wait a month to let him know he didn't fold the laundry. If that had been my spouse and noticed he had not done what he said he woulddo, I would have told him right then and there. Men are like kids. They need reminding and a little kick in the pants(figuratively).

It's an ongoing progress. Not that it helps, but you're not alone!

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My husband tells me I need to promise him 5 hugs if he does what he is supposed to. The issue is that I'm so sick of him not doig what I ask I dont know if I could manage one. However, there is something to be said for positive reinforcement.

Maybe you can sit down together and discuss what needs to be done and make a list of who does waht most of the time. When you ask him to fold clothes,i t's like he's doing you a favor--like he's doing your job.

Well, Selene, everyone is right about the communication, of course, but that doesn't seem to be an option here, at least verbally. Now, I'm not telling you to do this because I don't know you, and I don't know your husband or your relationship, but if I ever felt that I had been give the short end of the stick, I'd probably do something like this.

I'd go to the store and buy as many cans of the junkiest canned food I could find. I'd fold the laundry and put it away, paying attention to the time spent doing it. Every day I'd do another chore taking approximately the same amount of time. I would explain that this extra activity makes it impossible for me to have the time to prepare him a meal. When he gets tired of eating and heating the junk, he'll start doing some chores. Of course, I would make sure I had a good meal for myself at a time when he's not around. Once he's trained properly, he will probably comply.

Before you consider killing him, remember that dead men can't write alimony checks. Also, I don't want Reese Witherspoon playing you on a Lifetime Made For TV Movie. I do like Sue's idea and you might want to try it.

i think it is a man thing

Selene, I have been married for almost 32 years, which has also been a rollercoaster ride because marriages have ups-and-downs. I think the 'housekeeping' issue ruins a lot of marriages unnecessarily. Men love to be horizontal after a long day, and women like things to be 'perfect' at home. (Please just let me grossly generalize on gender, but it can also be reversed.)

Anyway, I have found that as marital relationships cycle, there is a tendency after the first five years or so to look at one's partner with a jaundiced eye. People start keeping books and the relationship starts getting strained in a very bad way. It is a much better approach to keep your eyes on yourself. Many women think their husbands resent them because of lack of sexual interest (women are tired from all those chores in addition to their jobs, guys), but they really resent us more because we nag or act resentful and cold and distant as punishment.

So... what to do to break this ugly pattern? First of all, act as if you still love him. Start to pamper him a little and act affectionate (a kiss on the cheek, holding his hand, sitting with him on the couch and smiling). I promise your husband will respond to you within 48 hours by being more helpful, more affectionate back, and... well... you'll start to find him sexy and manly again.

And quit keeping books. You cannot control him, change him or punish him into being a woman. He's a guy and guy's act the way they act. They really are not like us - and if you've had a few female roommates that's probably a good thing.:)

Good luck, Sweetie. I think we have a lot more energy than they do - our biology - but wouldn't he defend you (and your future children) from some weirdo or rabid dog if you needed him to? Oh, and guys? If you want a little extra lovin', I would suggest you learn how to do some serious home improvements, cook a few nights a week and do the dishes for her while she takes a bubble bath and drinks a glass or two of champagne. THAT'S FOREPLAY!

I must have one of the best husbands around. He dislikes loading the dishwasher but doesn't mind unloading, so he does that almost every night. Also will do laundry if needed, especially if he is already in the basement. But he will not ever clean a bathroom! So all in all. I figure I am lucky! Good luck and try some of the ideas from the other posts.

Selene, my husband is the same way! I rather him not do anything if he cannot do the job right to begin with or thinks he is doing me a favor by doing it, which I end up having to do over again because it is still dirty. No offense, marriage is suppose to be somewhat of a partnership, not one-sided or lopsided. Unless the two parties specify for instance that the woman is going to cook, keep the house clean and take care of the kids while the husband goes out to work to support the family, then fine, but otherwise what is wrong with helping out every now and then even if that means taking your dishes to the sink and soaking them or putting your dirty cups in the dishwasher. Something tells me this was not the agreement between the two of you when you got together or married, right?? What is the difference between then and now?? Answer, nothing!!!

You can try to communicate with him your frustrations, but something tells me that he will complain about the fact he works to support the family, so you should be supportive of that and help out. Just explain nicely (magical word) that it would be so helpful if he could put his dirty clothes in the laundry basket/hamper for instance, take dirty cups/dishes to sink or even clean up a little if he makes a mess. It is worth a try. Hope things get better for you Selene!

I am happy that I dont have to deal with any of this.....dont ever plan on it either. Hate cleaning up after myself, enough that I know I would hate cleaning up after others.

IF only he would learn to put things back from whence they came it wouldn't bother me about anything else, as much. ;p

accept men for who they are. they accepted you

Do what I do, pay someone to come in and clean and iron.

hope you get it worked out soon, Kylie needs both of her parents

If he's not pulling his weight on the laundry, does he make up for it elsewhere? If you're both reasonable you should be able to come to agreement but you'll be having these discussions for a long long time.

I am right there with you! Husbands are clueless. If Im sick for a few days, or out of my meds and I cant clean, he'll grunt and clean the kitchen and makes little comments about how much he does. If his laundry isnt done for work, he complains that his stuff wont get done, its his fault because he didnt do it himself.
jeeze! weve got kids to take care of, mouths to feed!
there was ym rant, sorry. But im feeling your situation :)

Let me just add something here that David Silvestri's comment reminded me of. Unless there has been a breadkdown of other aspects of your relationship that only you and your husband know for sure, you have to remember the things that you loved him for when you were 'in love' with him and focus on those. He probably has to do the same. No relationship is perfect. Everyone has faults, but love is blind to those faults, and if there's still enough love between you then you can get through this. If there isn't, then that's another story.

women have always done most of the changing in a relationship, always have, always will.... commitment means sticking it out and making the best of it.... not sticking up for your husband, but maybe you need to focus on his GOOD traits and see which list is the longest (pros and cons)... .and if all else fails and you cannot accept him just the way he is then as my sister used to tell me: apply the old ann landers rule - are you better off with him or without him?
I think from all I've read from you that you are deeply in love, and don't feel guilty about venting, I sure don't blame you for resenting it some days!!

I hear you - do not know how to help, but I hear you

Thank you for posting this to my group point4mepoint4u

Thanks, everyone, for commenting and offering advice!

Many people mentioned communications. I assure you I have tried to talk to him many, many times. But he doesn't see the problem.

Martin - Yes, both of us work outside the home. He has one demanding full time job. I have one full time job and a few part time jobs.

Sue - Thanks for the suggestion but it won't work. He is more than happy to load up on Burger King or McDonald's.

Kerrell - That's funny.

Elizabeth - I totally tried positive reinforcement and being nice to him, but he totally finds other ways to make me mad.

Diana - That's right! So many times even if he helped, I had to do it over again. Although I still like him to (try to) help because the do-over is easier.

sue b, thank you you say it much more eloquently but tho i dont write much thats what i was saying ( in man grunts)

I hope you have been able to make him understand how you feel so that the two of you can feel that the chores are divided up fairly. I have to say that my husband does way more around the house than I do. He usually does the cooking and most of the laundry and a very large portion of the dishes. I try to take care of most of the other stuff, but I have to say he is getting the short end of the stick.

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i have been sick and tired of mine for 43 years and counting..........sigh