Pseudo-auto-biographical. A draft.
“Got the list, hon?” he asks me, wrapping an arm around my long ago slim waist.
“Yup!” I’m all grins and my trained eyes scan thoroughly the supermarket for the new-borns area. The piece off paper rolls low from my fingers.
“Which way, sweetie? You’re blocking the entrance.”
I’m not getting older! Just un-puzzling the lasts months’ events and figuring an algorithm to cover each and every shelf. And busy being happy just because.
“Yea, this way. From the beginning.” He follows. I hear him smile.
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I'm not a perfect person
There's many things I wish I didn't do
“Look! I just found the perfect curtain to match the racing carpet!” And two more round pillows. And an elephant shaped toys basket. And…
“I know you want this to come out flawless, but have you considered that when he grows, he might not like all the little silly things you’re buying?” He’s not cheap, not for this, but I do feel restrained. And if Jess would have been here, she would have loved to share all her toys. I’m sure she would have.
He never knew I named her.
I never meant to do those things to you
Back then I was too young. Yeah, alright, I'm old and glad to! And I’m ashamed. And at night, when we am alone, I ask forgiveness and promise never to let him know. Not a mistake, could never call it a mistake, yet he might not have been here now.
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“You ok, baby?” He raises my chin one blink too late. “Wanna buy that, or wanna buy that?” He knows. He always knows how to.
To change who I used to beA reason to start over new
“Yeah”, smile shoved back the tears, “I was just thinking we won’t go to the seaside this summer. Right?”
His eyes fall on my enhanced cleavage and roll deeper. “We’ll all go, next year. Promise!” Sealed with a kiss.
I don’t need to, yet I remember why. Why the ring. Why the lifetime loan. Why the extra kilos.
and the reason is you
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Comments: 19
I'm going to let you in on a well-kept secret in writing. I assume it's a well-kept secret because many people aren't aware of it.
Only one point-of-view per paragraph.
“Yea, this way. From the beginning.” He follows. I hear him smile.
hers/his/hers all in one paragraph.
Numerous punctuation and usage errors.
This:
“Got the list, hon?” he asks me, wrapping an arm around my long ago slim waist.
Makes me cross my eyes (I normally say "Makes my eyes bleed" but I'm being nice today.
Is there someone else HE might be asking? If not, you don't need: "he asks me." The rest seems wordy. "Bloated waist?" "Baby-swollen waist?" "Whale of a waist?"
"Got the list, Hon?" His arm came around me. (The information she's knocked-up becomes apparent. You really need not mention it here. I do applaud your use of inference instead of information dumping).
I could go on, but I don't have time today.
"Pseudo-auto-biographical" is a great term. I believe Kacie coined pseudo-biographical, meaning of course (loosely) based on actual events.
The one point-of-view per paragraph is a nifty tool to keep in mind when sharpening your dialog.
"I hate that car." She pointed.
"Which?"
"That one right there!"
See, "Which?" is all that needed. We don't need say "He wasn't paying attention." or "He didn't notice" or "he asked." And with the final sentence, we know she's tight, mad at him. We don't need to say: "She insisted." or "She said angrily" Or "she said with frustration."
My infamous quote: "Don't get between the reader and the story."
You're priceless!
Yes, I know it's a hint to all of us in the group.
This was indeed spawned as a draft and we can all see that :) Fortunately, Karl is lurking around and willing to share a slap (sometimes I even wonder why you bother, Karl, but please do keep bothering :D)
I only pray I find the time to get back to this (and others) and make it better.
This one sure looks like it deserves a comeback. Altough I am a bit arguing with myself whether it is better to move forward and try and do it better next time/story.
Yeah, I'm definitely going to get back on it/them. Just maybe not as soon as I wish :(
Thanks for stopping by!