A North Korean Cheerleader's Diary

Twenty-one North Korean cheerleaders have been sent to prison for talking about what they saw on a trip to South Korea.--AP

Dear Diary--

I cannot believe I'm grounded!  I had so much fun in South Korea and made many new friends--what is wrong with that?  We taught the Southern girls some of our favorite cheers, like "R-E-P-R-E-S-S (clap, clap--clap, clap, clap) That's the way we spell REPRESS!"  I know we are supposed to treat opposing cheerleaders as enemies, but they were really nice!  They tossed their little terrier mascot up in the air with a blanket and when he missed on the way down and died, they had a barbecue and shared him with us!

"What's for dinner?"

Eww--there's an icky spider coming my way--gotta go!

Diary--

They say they might let us out in a couple years if we promise to never, ever tell anyone what we saw in South Korea.  No problem for me, but what about Little Miss Blabbermouth, Hwang Jang-yop?  I told her I had a crush on a cute boy I saw in the stands in Seoul, and she goes and tells the National Intelligence Service!  Now I have to carry water back from a stream in a double-bucket yoke for the whole prison due to the lack of modern plumbing facilties!  It like totally sucks!

DD--

It's been four months now.  Tryouts for next year's cheerleader squad are in April--how am I supposed to practice my cartwheels when I can't even stand up in my cell?   We have to write an essay today if we want to eat.  Subject: "Maximum Leader Kim-Il Jong is the Greatest Athlete the World Has Ever Known: Discuss."  I'm better at "Compare and Contrast" assignments, but I guess there's just no comparison when it comes to the Sun of the Nation and Mankind, Kim Il Jong!  (Hope the prison guards can read my handwriting.)

Diary--

I am so excited!  My cellmate died--now I can stretch my legs!   She was starting to get on my nerves anyway.  Always yapping about the immortal exploits of Kim Il-Jong, how he could crush South Korea blindfolded and with one hand tied behind his back, yadda-yadda.  Fat lot of good it did her.  She was doing time for being insufficiently enthusiastic about the new hydroelectric dam on the Yalu River.  I know it's one of my favorite public works project leading to the glorious victory of the people of North Korea over their oppressors, but the light-water nuclear reactor in Pyongyang is cute too!

Dear Diary--

Well, we're finally getting out of this clean, modern, well-lighted incarceration facility where the food has been excellent!  I walk with a slight stoop now, but that is nothing compared to the hardships suffered by our soldiers in defeating the capitalist oppressors in what the running-dog lackeys of history refer to euphemistically as the Korean "Conflict".  "Conflict" my pom-pom--it was war and we won!  (If that sounds like something a stupid pep squad girl would say to make friends with a popular cheerleader like me--I've learned how to play the game.) 

I may have lost my high school eligibility--can you still be a cheerleader when you're 65?

Copyright 2008, Con Chapman