FAMILY SECRETS - 100 word stories week 31 - Challenge

Go easy guys - it's my first writing attempt at gather and it is a true story.

Nevertheless, your critique is welcome and hoped for.

Rose, it's a little hard to follow, but wow. The ending is deliciously poignant. You said so much with one short sentence.

Everybody has to start somewhere.
Nice

Such passion; and sorrow.

Wow! I think its better than my first attempt. Did she kill herself when her fiance went into the kitchen?

The ending is so sad. Great job.

Maureen - yes, she killed herself.

I told the story from my own perspective. Her picture always hung on the wall in the living room at my grandmother's house, but nobody ever spoke about her. Now it hangs in my mother's living room.

Now I'm free to tell it from another perspective, there is more to this story - of course.

Thank you all for commenting - I really appreciate it!

Wow! I read it too fast and knew I was missing something. The language is lovely - pulled me on. So I re-read slowly, and wow. Great story. Very well told.

Excellent story. I didn't race through and must have had good focus when reading, because I understand it with ease as I read. Very poignant. I am sorry that it is true.

Ah Sheila - thank you, I was hoping you would comment. To get a wow from you means a lot to me:)

lynn - thank you!

Good story, Rose. I would like to see a longer version of it.

Fabulous.. this is drenched with a family secret that would not fade,buried in a child's mind....family secrets I believe.. are at the root ,here.
very well done..

oh i am sorry ,Rose..that this tragedy is true.. part of your family fabric..?
i hope all wounds have well healed..
but from the point that this is your first drabble..if I may quote Sheila D.."WoW"

Nicely done. I would formatted a little differently for easier understanding. Great job though.

Great job Rose. I also had to read it twice but it was worth it.

Excellent Rose. What makes it so powerful, is to know that it is true. WE all have some sort of family secret.

Very intriguing and well crafted Rose. Telling a story in 100 words is extremely difficult.

I love the ending. Thank you for sharing your talents with us!

Very interesting and a great first write....it is so darn hard to get the story you want in 100 words, but a great exercise in cutting out non essential words.
Old photographs always get my mind to buzzing, thinking about what life was like for the person in the photo...can't wait to hear the rest of the story about your relative.

Just something I noticed that might be making it hard for folks to get the drift of the story...

You changed the format of the piece when you did not put mama's reply on a line of her own in the last 2 paragraphs.
Also
In this reply "She was my favorite sister, I lost my best friend that day".
There is no action from Mama as there were in all the other replies....Perhaps something like...Mama laid her hand upon the picture "I lost my favorite sister and best friend that day"

Also...you used mama turned away twice...in the first 2 paragraphs...perhaps in the second response something like...."It was her heart" mama said as she moved me gently out of the way

Just some ideas....to help you, as you said you wanted critique...

trying to shield the daughter from a painful story and at the same time showing love for her sister.....

Just my 2 cents

Thank you all - I am completely amazed how much one can learn from one simple exercise. I knew 100 words would be tough for me - which is exactly why I chose it - I tend to be wordy.

It was probably not such a good idea to choose a subject that I was intimately familiar with over the course of over 50 years. Had I made up a story I would have realized that an intro however vague or veiled would have made for a smoother flow.

Then again, I was thrilled to note that some picked up on the full story the first time around - so there is hope for me. I've decided to suckle on the wow's tonight:), to garner strength and confidence for my next story.

Thank you for your comments - I really appreciate each one!

Exactly Katherine - I came to that same conclusion already.

I had trouble staying within the confines of my 100 words and my thought was that if I repeated the exact same words twice, that impact might be felt the third time around.

My family is not gentle and I meant to convey that the turning away was abrupt without actually saying so. Although an answer was provided, the real answer/issue was always avoided. The turning away had finality - it let me know - like all families have their own communication style - that there would not be a further discussion.

I intended for that second answer to be in a second line - that part was simply a gather formating glitch - which in this case was important to my story. I can see where that made it confusing. I'll see if maybe I can edit it successfully as far as moving that sentence onto the second line as I intended it.

I think you were right on with your critique, Katherine - thanks!

UUUUUuuu! Intrique! Mystery! I'm reminded of the Copa Cabana -- "just who shot who?" [sic]

That's what is so super about 100 word challenges...really makes you pick apart your own story, learning along the way to use the best words for the telling of the story...

...I too have found that telling real life stories can be hard to write from a distance...the feelings you want to convey are not always as easy as describing the feelings you were going through or the scene may not make sense to others...I think in my case I was so close to the story that I fell short creating scenes for the reader because your mind plays tricks on you...after all you are describing a room or situation you've seen 100's of times or retelling a dialog that to you made sense because of unsaid characteristics of the players.

I hope that all makes sense!

It's a well told story, not to mention that making it just 100 words is adding to the difficulty.

Very well done!
More!

Great job. The ending is very impactful. I really felt for her. I think this is a great 1st 100-word-story. (You should have read mine.)

Thank you all!:) With so much positive and helpful feedback you know I'm hooked on 100 words stories.
My lurking days are over...............

YaY..a reformed Lurker! Come into the light! ..Glad you are playing..:)
it is fun ..and so many great people..I learn so much..and that Human Katherine..excellent post..

Rose, for a first, it was Great! your family sounds much like mine....anything that happens is put in the "family" closet, and the person who did the "happening" is never spoken of again...

It's amazing how much foreshadowing one can include in only 100 words. You have created a very powerful piece of work here! Keep it up, you can only get better!