I accept your nomination for VP!

Since Chris W. nominated me for the job, I decided to accept the nomination.  I suppose I'm running on the Gather Ticket, and I'm not sure who my presidential running mate is.  But who cares!?  This campaign season has been so crazy, logic and common sense no longer apply anyway.

 My Qualifications:

 I have a B.A. in English...and it only took me four years and one college to do it! 

I spent a year working for my hometown in the department of recreation and public affairs.  And while I only spent one year working for my city, since my hometown has a population four times greater than Wasilla, then my experience counts for four times as much!

I spent a year and a half working at a senior center.  All of that contact with people collecting Social Security gives me a unique insight into the program, and therefore I am exceptionally qualified to solve the Social Security crisis.

 I am a fiscal conservative.  Just ask anyone that works with me.  I won't pay more than .79 for a box of ink pens, and I'm not afraid to use coupons to save money. In fact, my nickname in the office is "rottweiler."  And everyone knows a rottweiler is much smarter and stronger than a pit bull.  I am so much of a fiscal conservative I don't even BUY lipstick!  So there!

I spent several years selling Kirby vacuum cleaners.  During my tenure with Kirby, I won several contests and actually not only travelled outside the U.S. (Canada and the Bahamas), and I flew over Mexico on my way to Hawaii.  Not only do I have all of that foreign experience, but I have actually had conversations with fellow Kirby salepeople from other countries. 

Moreover, if you can sell a $1500 vacuum, you can be a diplomat.

My dad fought in Vietnam, and recently retired from the military.  While I was never myself in the military, my dad use to take us to the armory with him on drill weekends, where we would help prepare the meals for the other soldiers.  So I have decades of military expertise!

I come from mixed heritage parents.  My mom was raised Southern Baptist, grew up in the 60's, and was born in Tennessee.  My dad was raised Catholic, grew up in the 50's, and was born in Jersey.  My mother is a Dallas Cowboy fan.  My dad is a Philadelphia Eagles fan.  So I have experience dealing with hostile situations. 

Where I stand on the issues

I am all for teaching creationism alongside evolution in schools.  In fact, I don't believe that goes far enough.  We should also teach astrology alongside astronomy, as well as expanding our nation's math curriculum to include numerology.  Why be afaid of information?

I am all for a constitutional ammendment to protect marriage and the family.  Though there is no evidence to support the claim, it is a well known fact that heterosexuals have been spontaneously turning gay across the country.  We need a constitutional ammendent defining marriage as between one man and one woman.  Once we do this, the primary reasons for divorce (financial troubles, spousal abuse, infidelity, etc) will all disappear.  Not only will we save marriage, but we will save the economy as all the hererosexual couples stop having money troubles!

I support teaching the Bible in the classroom.  It is the single most important work of fiction in Western culture, after all, and deserves to be taught right along side of the Illiad, Beowulf, and all of those other mytho-poetic works.

I would revise the requirements for No Child Left Behind.  Instead of constant testing, I would make students go an entire day without using any chatspeak.  Those that can do so pass.  Those that can't get them cell phones revoked for one year.  The math test would feature one question:

Customer A buys $10 worth of products.  With sales tax, her order comes up to $10.70 cents.  She hands you a $20 bill.  The register tells you she is owned $9.30.  Before you give her the change, she pulls out three quarters and hands them to you.  How much change do you give Customer A?

Students that can answer the question correctly pass.  Those that can't are banned from playing World of Warcraft until they can figure it out.

IRAQ:  I support inviting Russia to completely take over in Iraq.  By giving Iraq to Russia, we bog their economy down with the problem and stretch their troops thin while getting our own soldiers out.  Thus we solve two problems at once.

 Venezuela:  Send Chavez a bouquet of flowers with a note that reads "We thought Bush was an idiot, too."  Tell him America no longer harbors any ill will and that we want to be friends.  Without Washington publicly condemning his actions, Chavez no longer has a scrapegoat to blame his country's problems on.  Meanwhile, inform him that Russia's imperial designs may be looking to Latin America after they finish turning Iraq into a Russian territory. 

(remember, I sold $1500 vacuums.  I can sell this story!)

Domestic Oil:  Drill here.  Drill now.  We start with the 66 million acres of land the oil companies already have leases on.  Once they have proven they have exhausted all that, we can discuss offshore drilling.

Housing Market:  Any bank that crashes because it issued too many bad loans, shame on them.  While this obviously can cause some instability in the markets, we offset this by negating any loans still owed to those banks.  That way, all of the money those customers would have been paying to a bankrupt, insolvent company goes back into the economy. 

OK, I'll take questions now!  But I reserve the right not to answer any question I believe is sexist.  And if you don't agree with me, you are obviously sexist, so there!