On Grief And Loss

An aside here: I am sorry I have not been able to keep with with what you all have been publishing. I am sorry. Its a rather long explanation, the short one is I have been really tired and sleep deprived. I will try better. Please do not feel I have slighted you in any way. Chana

I have read several articles recently on Gather about people dealing with the pain of loss. I am not going to name them. If they wish they can come forward here, it is for them to decide, not for me. I do say to them I understand your grief and you are not alone. This article is not about me, though I use instances in my life as an example.

I have read several articles recently on grief and loss and the pain it causes on Gather. I feel the need and the desire to comment on this. This article with appear long because at the end I am going to quote some things I have found that discuss grief and loss. I have to say I have had my share. I have lost just about all the people IRL (offline) that were important and instumental to me in my life over the years. I have been through some painful things. There are two that stand out in my mind as the most painful. There are others, but some of these are things I really don't discuss because they are so deeply personal.

First was when my sister was murdered. She was exactly two years and eleven months to the day younger than I am. But, because of the situation in my family she was just as much a daughter to me as a little sister. I cannot tell you the day she died. I have struck that fact out of my memory. I have a very vivid memory of when I found out though. I was sleeping and I got a phone call from a detective, at first I thought it was someone putting me on (joking with me). This caused so much pain for all of us. She was the baby of the family. She was in my eyes beauty itself. I mourn her passing every year on her birthday. This event cause further pain years later concernng her burial site. Both of these things caused a schism within my family. One I do not think we will ever recover from.

The second of these was when my dad died. I do have a biological father, but even though he was officially in my life until I was about seven I never really knew him. I never did get to know him and I probably never will. I don't understand his feelings toward his children. He seems to have misunderstood that he divorced our mother, not us. I feel very sorry for him.

My real dad had been in my life since I was about eight. Many of you have read things I have said about him. I think he was the best person I have ever met in my life. Over the years I learned to love him and know he was my real father. I also learned to turn to him and not my mother for advice on anything you could think of. He was a self made man. I am sure some of you think when I say he was famous (in his genre) think I am saying Look at me! I am wonderful!. That could not be farther from the truth. I have great pride in his accomplishments. (Actually you can do a websearch and find his obituary in many national newspapers from all over the country.) I feel so fortunate and blessed to have known him and am still humbled by his knowledge, wisdom, kindness and intelligence. I would give almost anything to spend just one more day with him. It has been two and a half years since his death and not a day goes by when I do not think of him at least once, sometimes I still cry because of this great loss to so many people, including me. I say to him in my mind I miss you and I love you. I ask his counsel.

So I have set the stage for what I wish to say. Grief and loss is inevitable. We all go through it in life. It is universal. I think The main question we ask is variations on why. Why did this have to happen to ____________ (fill in the blank, someone so young, someone so kind, someone so beloved etc.)? Why is this happening to me? I am not speaking of all loss here, because who can understand the death of a child? Your rationale mind may say yes I know they had cancer (or some other life threatening disease) and that is why they died. But, that is not in my mind a good enough answer. Because who can understand why children are put through these trials? I know I do not.

I am speaking more about when we lose older people here. These emotions cause a real dicotomy between our heads and our hearts. I really believe this is so. When my father died I was told by people that he had a good life, a life with great joy in it, at least his pain was over and it was just his time. That is true. He had a job to be envied by most. Not just a vocation but an avocation. How many of us can say that we are paid to do something we totally enjoy? (There were one are two things he did not like about his job, editors sometimes annoyed him.) He had people worldwide that loved him. He had three daughters that absolutely adored him. He had a wife who made him most of her life. Yes he had a life to envy. But, their words did not even start to penetrate the pain I was feeling. Yes in my head I could see what they were saying. He had been ravaged by kidney disease for years. I could see that they were trying to help. I could see that they were trying to connect and diminish the pain that I was feeling. I understood they were trying, in my rationale mind. But, my heart knew he still had so much more to give. He was writing a book, he had plans for when he got out of care, he was actually looking forward to the challenge of having to use a wheelchair to get around. In his mind he had so much more to do, so much more he wanted to do. So my heart cried out, not just because of the raw pain of my loss, but the pain of his loss also, and the loss of those his life touched.

I think some other questions we associate with loss is Did I/Did they. Did I say say goodbye? Did I show them all the love I could? Did they know how much I loved them? Did I do all that I could? Even after the initial effects have worn off I think many of us question ourselves and some even feel a sense of guilt, though there was really nothing we could have done. The weekend before my grandmother died was a three day weekend. For some reason I felt an overwhelming need to drive from the Washington, D.C. area to the end of Cape Cod, Massachusetts (where she lived) to go and see her. My mother who was up there with her told me no, it was a very bad idea (I think she was trying to protect me from what I would see.), my  boyfriend said it wasn't a good idea, he tried to explain why. Everyone told me no, don't do it. My grandmother died that tuesday. I still and probably always will carry a sense of guilt and sorrow that I did not do this.

To my mind G-D speaks to us in gentle, quiet suggestion. Some may call it impulse. But, I think it is G-D trying to lead us down the right path. He gives us the free will to do as we chose, but speaks to us quietly of the best course of action. I don't think I am alone here. There is a funny little expression coulda, shoulda, woulda. I think alot of us reflect back on our loss and feel something of this. If I had only done _______________. I could have ______________. I should have __________. If I had know it was that bad I would have _____________. So many of us question ourselves long after the loss has happened. We even beat ourselves up emotionally for things we cannot change. Would it have been better if I had visited my grandmother? I will never know.

Why is it that we as human beings, given that we all feel loss, that it is inevitable and universal, never know what to say when it happens to co-workers, friends, lovers or family members? I have pondered this question over my life. We are able to express and share cheer and happiness with very little problem (generally). Yet something so universal and inevitable leaves us speechless? I wish I could offer you some great sage words of wisdom. I wish I could answer the questions I have presented to you, but I cannot. What do I say? I say I am so sorry for your loss. I know how it feels. I know I don't have the words that will make it better. I do care. You are not alone. I am so sorry I cannot do anything to lessen your pain. But, I am here for you if you need anything. Hopefully time will help.

I do have a very firm belief in G-D. I do believe that G-D does not give us more than we can deal with. I sometimes wonder why He has such confidence in my capabilities, when I do not. As I said I have read several articles recently on Gather about people dealing with the pain of loss. I am not going to name them. If they wish they can come forward here, it is for them to decide, not for me. I do say to them I understand your grief and you are not alone. This article is not about me, though I use instances in my life as an example. Maybe one of you can give us greater insight into the emotions of loss. By this I do not mean a psycological dissertation, I think most of us can understand loss from an intellectual viewpoint. Maybe one of you can give us insight from the heart. I think this is something we all struggle with.

Part One: Life (CXVI)
Emily Dickinson

I MEASURE every grief I meet
With analytic eyes;
I wonder if it weighs like mine,
Or has an easier size.

I wonder if they bore it long,
Or did it just begin?
I could not tell the date of mine,
It feels so old a pain.

I wonder if it hurts to live,
And if they have to try,
And whether, could they choose between,
They would not rather die.

I wonder if when years have piled-
Some thousands-on the cause
Of early hurt, if such a lapse
Could give them any pause;

Or would they go on aching still
Through centuries above,
Enlightened to a larger pain
By contrast with the love.

The grieved are many, I am told;
The reason deeper lies,-
Death is but one and comes but once,
And only nails the eyes.

There 's grief of want, and grief of cold,-
A sort they call "despair";
There 's banishment from native eyes,
In sight of native air.

And though I may not guess the kind
Correctly, yet to me 30
A piercing comfort it affords
In passing Calvary,

To note the fashions of the cross,
Of those that stand alone,
Still fascinated to presume
That some are like my own.

I have always associated the song below with loss, but also with hope.

In My Life
The Beatles

There are places I'll remember
All my life though some have changed
Some forever not for better
Some have gone and some remain
All these places have their moments
With lovers and friends I still can recall
Some are dead and some are living
In my life I've loved them all

But of all these friends and lovers
There is no one compares with you
And these memories lose their meaning
When I think of love as something new
Though I know I'll never lose affection
For people and things that went before
I know I'll often stop and think about them
In my life I love you more

Though I know I'll never lose affection
For people and things that went before
I know I'll often stop and think about them
In my life I love you more
In my life I love you more