I Feel Like I’m Losing My Mind

     I just don’t know where I fit in anymore.  I’m neither
here nor there.  I’m in limbo.  Sometimes I think I’m in ****.  I’ve been diagnosed with Primary Pulmonary Hypertension.  They don’t know how you get it, but I do not smoke, and it’s fairly rare.  I have to be on oxygen 24/7 and I absolutely hate that fact.  I am connected to a machine that is sending oxygen through a 30 ft. hose that goes through my house so that I can walk around it.  It’s aggravating and irritating because I have to carry the excess line and it gets caught in everything even after we put hooks up high.  The line is always in the way.  Anytime that I have to leave my house I have to take a portable unit with me.  
         I’m having a hard time accepting my fate.  I try not to think about it but my only hope for any kind of life is to submit to a heart and lung transplant.  That is a very scary thought.  I have to wait until my condition gets worse then and only then will I be able to see if I can qualify for it.  Right now I am not able to qualify at all because I am too far overweight.  What the doctors diagnose as Morbidly Obese. 
     I had a lap band put in and I’m am definitely eating less but I am not good with the exercise because I’m on all kinds of medicine to slow my heart down.  It’s a classic catch 22.  I’m overweight due to my illness and it keeps me from being able to lose the weight. 
     I have a pacemaker/defibrillator because my heart beats too fast and too slow.  I lost my job because of my health, I lost my health insurance and I’m not sure that I can ever be a good candidate for any kind of job. 
     On top of everything, if I don’t lose the weight then I will not be a good candidate for the heart and lung transplant. 
     I have been in a fight for my life two other times when I had cancer.  I had melanoma and sarcoma.  I was able to beat both of those cancers.  I can’t beat this.  I’ve lost my will to fight and I don’t see how to overcome this insurmountable obstacle, my weight.  Dieting and exercise is not doing it for me.  I don’t know what else to do.
     I went through the hardest three years just trying to find out why I was having such a hard time breathing.   I almost died when they figured out that I had Congestive Heart Failure and the Cardiologist did not want to admit me to the hospital.  My Pulmonary Specialist had to force him to admit me.  Believe me, I changed doctors after that. 
     I’m not in the mood for sympathy or empathy.  I just want to rant and rave because I am angry and I’m tired of fighting.  I am so used to being able to take care of myself and others and now I have to leave that in my family’s hands.  Sometimes I feel like I’m just a super burden on them and want to leave so they can have the lives they were supposed to.  Not have to take care of me.  They would be better off.  What kind of a burden will I be when my condition gets worse?  I can’t take it sometimes and that’s why I feel like I’m going crazy.  Maybe I am in ****. 
     Please don't pay any attention to me.  I am just being really negative today.  I am just venting my anger.  I have my bad days and good days, just like everybody else.  I'm just angry and gripey.