SHUT the Messenger

"There's not one totally good person on earth, not one who is truly pure and sinless. Don't eavesdrop on the conversation of others. What if the gossip's about you and you'd rather not hear it? You've done that a few times, haven't you-said things behind someone's back you wouldn't say to his face?"---Ecclesiastes 7:20-22 (Message)




"It isn't what they say about you, it's what they whisper."---Errol Flynn




"Things are only really bad when they are inconvenient for you."---Della Reese



There's a Spanish Proverb which says, "If they gossip to you, they will gossip about you." If I didn't just hear this word (James 1:22), but actually lived by it, my life would certainly go a lot smoother. Something that I have asked God to give me in this season of my life are safe places. According to Proverbs 3:29, one way to acquire that is to not devise evil against your neighbor (a person or thing that is near another). Certainly gossip would be considered as evil (harmful; injurious) and I Timothy explains one way that women find themselves falling into the trap. Seemingly a lot of gossips have way too much time on their hands:




"And besides they learn to be idle, wandering about from house to house, and not only idle but also gossips and busybodies, saying things which they ought not."---I Timothy 5:13 (NKJV)




Now, I won't even get into how many men I have discovered are gossips as well and how the Bible never really speaks on that (but if you read between the lines, I'm sure you can tell where I am going with that---if anyone should be too busy to spread gossip, it should be a man---Genesis 3:17-19). I also must admit that I, myself have been guilty of not adhering to a "shut up warning" by Frank A. Clark, "Gossip needn't be false to be evil - there's a lot of truth that shouldn't be passed around."




A couple of years ago, a friend of mine and I found ourselves in a "way too long" debate about being "brutally honest". From a godly perspective, I don't really think there is such a thing. Even when you do speak truth, it should be in love (Ephesians 4:15). Otherwise, I'm not sure if it's really "truth" at all. An observation, maybe. An opinion, maybe. Somewhat factual, maybe. But if a truth is meant to set someone free (John 8:32) and due to someone's response to it, their feelings are hurt or offenses are taken (2 Corinthians 6:3), perhaps that is something that should be revisited. (Preaching to the choir here, for sure!)




Now that doesn't mean that we should mistake "offense" with conviction. Galatians 5:23 (Message) says that "a conviction that a basic holiness permeates things and people". Sometimes your card gets pulled and it needs to be. You wouldn't reroute yourself otherwise.




But actually, this message isn't really about the gossiper, so much as the messenger of the gossip (who, for all intense purposes, is also a gossiper) and how the receiver responds to it. Something that I have taken great comfort in, especially the older (and prayerfully wiser) that I get, is that I find less and less of a need to ask anyone in my intimate circle, "Did you say such-and-such about me?" Oh believe me, they (well most of them and I'm weeding out as we speak) will tell me directly before they tell anyone else. For a season, even with as outspoken as I am, this "blessing" was somewhat of a hard pill to swallow. I now realize that because the Word says that perfect love casts out all fear (I John 4:18), if someone can tell you to you about you, for the sake of you, there is love in that. None of my friends are getting paid for telling me that I talk too loud in public, my t-shirts can be too tight or I need to take better care of my car; that is solely for my benefit. (Proverbs 26:7) There is a certain level of arrogance that comes in believing that the only time someone needs to say something to you is if it's complimentary. The Bible is not too keen on flattery, anyway. (Proverbs 20:19)




Anyway, as I'm sifting the wheat from the tare (Matthew 13:24-30), both in my own character and the way I interact with the characters around me, if there's one thing, well two, that I have been warned by the Holy Spirit about, it's these:




Watch it when people say, "Pray for so-and-so, because..." (The Church-goers way of justifying gossip.)




People who are comfortable/reliant/dependent on gossip being brought to them.




You know, we've all heard, and perhaps even used, "Don't shoot the messenger", but sometimes I find myself saying, "If anyone should be shot, it should be him/her! Messengers often cause the most grief!" A couple of weeks ago, I was watching a rap segment on MTV2 called, "The Parker Report". Forgive me for not recalling all of the rappers at the round table, but I do remember T.I sitting there. Anyway, what they were talking about was "beef" (sensationalized drama) between rappers and how oftentimes, rather than going to the person in question directly about an issue, they take a messenger at face value and run with it. Before you know it, the world has been made aware of an issue that, many times, wouldn't be one if it had been discussed between the two parties involved.




Hmm, I know a lot of people (unfortunately) like to throw rappers (all and any) to the wolves, but that actually sounds a lot like scripture:




"If your fellow believer sins against you,go and tell him in private what he did wrong. If he listens to you, you have helped that person to be your brother or sister again. But if he refuses to listen, go to him again and take one or two other people with you. 'Every case may be proved by two or three witnesses.'"---Matthew 18:15-16 (NCV)




As I've thought about the times when I, myself, have been guilty of not heeding to this instruction, I had to be honest and admit that oftentimes, I didn't want to go to the person because King Solomon was right. I would rather play the victim of gossip than admit that I would be somewhat of a hypocrite (Matthew 7:5) for getting mad at someone for doing something that I have done. And to be real with you, I think that is why a lot of mess travels like it does. It's so much easier to be mad for being talked about than be broken for talking about someone else (Isaiah 57:15); to see the domino effect/boomerang of our own words. (Proverbs 26:27) How much more self-comforting it would be to say, "I can't believe he/she said that about me!" than it would be to admit, "Well, it's not like I haven't said something as well." (Often about the very person you are offended by.) Doing that would require a great (and rare) level of humility and maturity. (James 1:26, James 3:6-8) That's why I love the Della Reese quote so much. Seemingly gossip doesn't bother us unless we are the subject of it.




However, as I've been praying about my own safe places and in return being one to those select few, the Holy Spirit led me to a specific word in the lead scripture for today: eavesdrop.




Eavesdrop: to listen secretly to a private conversation; listen without the speaker's knowledge.




My mother used to tell me, "If you have to say, 'Don't repeat this" on the front end of a conversation, that is usually your conscience's way of forewarning you that there's a great chance that the person probably will. I recall hearing Dr. Phil say one time that to be trustworthy, you must be worthy of trust. Sure, it's easy to say, "Well, if it doesn't need to be repeated than it shouldn't be said", but I'm not certain that is always the case. One of my favorite scriptures is Amos 3:7 (NKJV), "Surely the Lord God does nothing, unless He reveals His secret to His servants the prophets" and most of us are familiar with Jeremiah 33:3 (NKJV), "‘Call to Me, and I will answer you, and show you great and mighty things, which you do not know.'"




As it relates to this message, a great definition of "secret" is, "faithful or cautious in keeping confidential matters confidential; close-mouthed; reticent". There are a myriad of reasons why someone may bring a matter to you. It could be to receive wise counsel. (Proverbs 1:5) It could be to vent frustration before things get out of hand (Ephesians 4:26) It could be because they need a fresh perspective (Proverbs 27:17) But for whatever the reason, even if it's not as admirable as these, when you, the messenger, takes it upon yourself to spread it, you are not helping anything. If the initial person was "the match", you can best believe that you are "the gasoline". (Proverbs 11:13) And the thing is, although the motive of the person who told you the information may be unclear (although just asking, "What are you telling me this for?" can nip a lot of that in the bud), if both the giver and the receiver of the information were really paying attention, they would notice that what they should really be concerned about is asking the messenger, WHY ARE YOU REPEATING IT?



Something I had to repent of just a few days ago was being a "Chihuahua" for one of my friends. Someone had said something about him that was untrue and unfounded. I checked the person on it (Proverbs 13:18), but I also told my friend what was said. Really, what good was that going to do? If it made me mad and it wasn't even about me, then how much more upset was it going to make him? (Brings a whole new perspective to "love covers", doesn't it?---Proverbs 10:12) Just look at what the Word says about this very matter:




"He who covers a transgression seeks love, but he who repeats a matter separates friends."---Proverbs 17:9 (NKJV)




If I reallywant to be a friend, I need to protect not just his reputation, but his feelings. If you spend enough time with a person, if you put their need to feel comfortable over your need to be "in the know" (and prove it), you can tell what they should hear and what they shouldn't; what will help them and what won't. You see, what I realized, just today while penning this message, is that when I allow gossip to be brought to me, even when it's about me, I am just as much of a gossip. I don't have to be lurking in the bushes or behind a cubicle to be eavesdropping on a conversation. ANY TIME A PRIVATE CONVERSATION IS REPEATED AND I ENTERTAIN IT, I AM GUILTY OF EAVESDROPPING.




If you look at the new signatures posted below this message, you will notice that one of them is actually mine: "Don't care about what people think, care about what they know." Not too long ago, someone told me that they heard I was pregnant. I didn't even put any energy into it because it was just that ridiculous. As a matter of fact, when I saw the person who supposedly said it, I didn't even bring it up (in word, deed or attitude) because, well, it was just that ridiculous! Oh, but how interesting it is when something is brought to me that has some merit of truth to it: I can be harsh when I talk, I am extreme, I jump to conclusions, I have selective memory, my communication with men can be received as flirting (at times). Oh, I hear about that and now I want to go off? A lot of times, what the "victim" of gossip should do is spend some time asking themselves, "Am I mad because it's not true or because it is true and I've been exposed?" (Luke 12:3)




Now that's not to say that the way you have been exposed is honorable, but when you live in truth, it's easier to not be affected by lies. Sometimes, your response to what has been said about you says more about you than the gossip does. (John 7:24)




Either way, as time goes by, I am getting freer in accepting that the only person that I can control is me. That doesn't just include my actions, but reactions to things. More and more, I am also coming to see that entrusting the messenger of information, even if they claim to be my friend, can be just as unstable as standing on the belief that what they are saying is accurate and that their motive is pure. To bring trash, you have to be around trash and if you're around it long enough to accumulate it and carry it from one destination to the next, I'm already concerned.




On the flip side, if it's truth and you are really a truth-seeker, then you would know that timing, motive and purpose are essential in sharing information (Proverbs 14:22) Sure, you're letting me know, but letting me know...for what? Is it going to make me a better person? Is it going to enlighten me in some way? Is it going to bring about emotions/resolves that are healthy (not necessary "happy", but healthy?---Philippians 4:8) And, because I know that what you sow, you will reap (Galatians 6:7-8), if you are sharing what I'm sure was not supposed to be repeated to me, does that mean you also share what I say in private to you? Why should I assume that you have my back when I'm sure that the other person thought the exact same thing...as I watch you stab theirs?




It's kind of like the wife who catches her husband cheating. Who does she usually take her anger out on? The other woman, right? What about the man who made the covenant with her? He's the one who is supposed to be committed to her. In the same manner, usually a messenger of gossip is the one who is closest to the two parties involved. Usually it is he (or she) who should be loyal and yet rarely catches the blame for being unfaithful to the confidentiality of those he (or she) is in relationship with.




So, how do you handle it all?




Well, if you're sick of being the topic of conversation, first think about what is being discussed. I had to really grow up and stop coming to the resolve that certain things being brought to me simply meant that I needed to hide them from more people. If hearing about certain things has me that upset, then perhaps I need to just stop doing them, period. I hear I'm needy (for instance) and I'm mad...I may not be mad at hearing it so much as knowing its true and being embarrassed that other people do, too. I should focus more energy on correcting the issue than the fact that it had to be brought to my attention that it needed to be corrected. Sometimes when we don't listen to God's whisper, he allows us to hear someone's utters.




Secondly, make the time to reflect on how you would feel if you were the person whose information was being exposed. More and more, I've been asking God to help me treat conversations like the page of someone's diary. Whether it's good, bad or ugly, some things (most things) need to be kept in private. After all, we all would look crazy if "our stuff" (including what we thought about people) got into the wrong ("wrong" meaning people we don't want) hands/hearts/mouths.




And lastly, really do some soul-searching about the messengers in your space. A lot of my friends don't have to tell me what they hear because I am confident enough in their character (through trial and error) that if it's true, they have already called me on it and if it's not so true, they will address it when necessary; they will not feed the monster. As a matter of fact, I am glad that most of my friends carry themselves in a way that says, "Don't bring me anything about Shellie. I ain't interested." (I know because I have witnessed it without some of them knowing it.) There is an Irish Proverb which states, "Who brings a tale takes two away." Truly words to live by.




But more than anything (and again, I am preaching to the choir), if gossip lives in your space, don't overlook the fact that there may be a lesson that you need to learn. Sometimes it's not about what people are doing to you, but for you, whether they realize it or not. According to the Word, idle chatter leads to poverty (Proverbs 14:23); gossips can't keep secrets (Proverbs 11:13---Message) or control themselves (2 Timothy 3:3---Message); fools chatter about stuff they know nothing about (Ecclesiastes 10:14), and the tongue, as little as it is, brags about big things (James 3:5). Don't just look at what is being said, but how, when, why and where. Don't just focus on the words, but the character/lifestyle/fruit of the person bringing them to you. Don't judge the object/topic without asking God to help you discern the motive/purpose of the source. Don't just look at how it makes you feel, but if there's any merit in it being how you are.




Then take some control back by being open to shutting down the messenger, by marking "return to sender" on their little packages of info. In most cases, that immediately closes the matter. One that often wouldn't be one had they kept their messages to themselves in the first place. Discern who is actually the victimizer in these matters. Most times, the victim is not just you and the truth about that fact just may surprise you.




I know it's shocked me---as the (sometimes) giver, receiver and (prayerfully delivered) messenger of unnecessarily-distributed information, myself!




©Shellie R. Warren/2008