The Tail of Bessie: Part 3 (Preparing the Escape)

So much had happened and Bessie was progressing well. She had even learned the art of jumping sideways off the trail Wilma affectionately called, ‘Beautiful Bovine Avenue' and had billboards along the trail of past cowstars. Russell M., smitten with Bessie because of her long *eyelashes, knew that Bessie might be on his **table in a month, if he did not act soon. Wilma trusted him because he made fences that looked conservative, but were strong enough to sit on. Russell wasn't sitting on any fence now. He had been listening to the Greatest Hits CD of Rev. Wright and this had inspired him to get off the fence and come up with a liberal plan to save Bessie.

(*keeping things above the neck so this article isn't flagged).

(** No, this is not Freudian).

Marge had been contacted by Wilma and told that Bessie was going to be a star. Marge had insisted Bessie be sent home immediately, but Wilma said, 'Okay, but I'll need Bessie's passport because the train might go into Canada on the way back.' Marge sadly told Wilma why Bessie had no passport and Wilma said, 'This is serious. The USDA might decide to deport Bessie to Japan and you know what they do to cows there. They make them drink beer and it's not from Milwaukee.' Marge sadly said, 'What should I do?' and Wilma said. 'Don't worry. I'll take good care of Bessie. She'll be top choice in a couple of months and I'll send you a package..., er, I mean a postcard of Bessie on the Beautiful Bovine Avenue.'

‘At least Bessie is in good hands,' Marge thought as she hung up the phone and then suddenly a rush of ***Limbaugh cheese filled the air and Marge knew something was rotten in Tacoma and she felt blue.

*** (Limbaugh cheese is considered to stink much more than Limburger cheese).

Russell looked at the schedule and saw that Bessie would be the Flying Cow star for the next Saturday matinee performance. He had to act fast and needed help. He needed thousands of Popsicle sticks, but the only person he knew that had so many was Marge's husband Russ. Should he contact Russ? He knew Marge was unaware of Bessie's fate and thought it best not to tell her. Another problem was that Russ had put down a sand beach in what used to be his backyard and had plans to build a pier out of Popsicle sticks for his new hydroplane. He called Russ and told him the situation. Russ, of course, said he would do all he could to help and agreed to donate his Popsicle sticks. He said, 'I'll just put the rope to hold the hydroplane on one of our dogs collars.' Russell M thanked Russ for the Popsicle sticks and then called PETA and told them about Russ, his dogs and the hydroplane.

Russell now had one part of his plan in place, but he needed a diversionary tactic and someone crafty enough to pull it off. As he was thinking of this and polishing his alligator boots, he suddenly jumped up and said, 'Necee and her Teddy Bears, not to mention her mooning.' He was glad there was no voting for Flying Cow jumps, since Necee is from Florida. It was the middle of the day, so he knew it would be useless to telephone Necee, since she would be out snapping photographs of sunsets. He called her in the early evening and upon hearing the gist of this tail, she said she and her Teddy Bears would be delighted to help out in anyway they could. Necee said, 'Would it be okay if I got a few friends to help out with the mooning part.' Russell said, ‘Yes, I think my eyes can take this and I like it that it has a moo in it.' So the pieces of the puzzle were starting to fall together, but there was no certainty that even the best laid plans would work. Russell knew this, but he also knew he must try to save Bessie at all costs.