listen to the pouring rain

The week held many promises

it was an offer for vacation called

"mothers come first"

meant to boost single mothers self esteem

to uplift, give time out from the daily chores and cares

could i say no ?

the place: Appanzeller land

family farm place newly opened this year

where goats and rabbits cohabited with children and families

The first day there we shared a salate and speghetti evening

there were four kinds of sauces, the salates were delightfully healthy

the children were younger than mine but the army does march upon its belly

and we all enjoyed the meal and friendly atmosphere

an offer of tickets to go bobslading in the grassy hills

came useful the next day as we made our way towards a mountain

called "Kronenberg" where the children fastened themselves to yellow submarine like gadgets who took them all around the mountain very fast..

we spent the day trying to find our way down the mountain

me singing

"The bear went over the mountain"

joyfully and mingling with the friendly cows who did not seem to mind

our intruding upon their grassy hills

we eventually got lost and panic struck us as the children came to realize

that the pizza evening was in jeopardy ..six o'clock was coming soon

what time is it now? my son asked in panic

we have 45 minutes , i announced yet was unsure whether we would make it

i was hoping not to have to spend a night amongst the cows

somehow a farm house appeared in the distance

the farmer was hosting a get together

and slightly drunk gave us directions

we were praying would get us to the pizza on time

pizza PIZZA PIZZA  my son called out crying

first fraustrated then angry then in rage

his feet were moving faster down the mountain while my feet were hurting

and somehow getting tangled up

could be the fact i changed shoes with my growing daughter to a smaller shoe number had been a factor, either way the children were moving fast and faster

and i like miss clavel in the Madeline tales was sensing a disaster..

somehow some flags appeared

i stopped to ask direction at a nursing home

how symbolic i thought as the children disappeared hopefully towards the right direction..

the town spread before me like a dream,

18.30

half an hour after the pizza

i made a new mother record

in the spirit of the olympic year

the children were sitting quietly munching their pizzas in silence along side the other moms and kids as i stormed in

mud sticking to my too small hiking shoes and struggling to catch my breath

my pizza had just arrived , vegeterian

i devoured the pizza and drank apple juice while  some mothers in the table next to me had a foamy beer

we all watched in delight as a family feud took place in the table next to the door

the father of the family banged his beer in anger as the mother and children pretended not to notice ..

we were all past that..

The next day came the time for sharing and caring

i was at the end of the round table talk

i listened carefully as each mother introducted herself

name

age

what place in switzerland she had come from

number of children

number of months or years separated or divorced

profession or lack of

ambitions

I don't know what inspired me to share with the round of swiss single mothers my take of heroism of surviving living in Tel Aviv pregnant and teaching English at the time when terrorism hit Tel Aviv center the hardest, 1995 , and i was living alone making my way to work in buses while buses around me exploded as my ex husband insisted i finish the year teaching while he was living in switzerland separately from me..

then i continued to a description of the wedding and the guests bearing no gifts, then the birth ,

and waiting for the baby alone in the swiss hospital surrounded by sri Lankian villages that showed up to support their mother to be..

the father of my children insisted he had to finish work while i waited for the contractions ..

at this point the leader of the group,Andrea,  stopped me abruptly

like a cold hand upon my shoulder

she reminded me of reality once more and clearly indicted

"this was not the place for that kind of sharing"

Andrea had introducted herself at the beginning

listing her many professional training , graphic design, armotherapy , bach flower medicine, and the list went on and on

i was busy calculating the final bill  of the supermarket list of courses that Andrea had done  and the total came out  to quite a sum

the  leader of the pack  was  50   year old as she      introduced herself as divorced , but added with a twinkle in her eye, with a PARTNER ,a mother of one physicst son she was clearly proud of and who had been raised by his father while she paid him alimony

The following day was to be a day learning to relax while my children went to a pig farm ,

i would have changed places and yes, the children offered but no dice

no deal

i went hugging my copy of Jane Austen's "Sense and sensibility " in solace

as Andrea introduced the women to a mountain of self help books

she chattered like a happy chipmunk happy to share her bounty of nuts

my patience ran out when she mentioned a title "how not to be unhappy " and stopped to share her delight in a small book of witch's rituals for women..

then she went on to share her philosophy

the universe, she claims , gives us what we wish for

and somehow i connected the dots

the woman was trained as a kindergarden teacher and now

i who had insisted on a Jewish preschool for my children would finally get the santa claus tale

yes, virginia, there is a santa claus

whatever we wish for , we get

and so she shared a letter written by a woman who had attended her seminar last week

she wrote how a friend she had disconnected from had suddenly written to her after her divorce, not knowing she was separated and divorced, wishing to reconnect..

"think positive and you can get your wishes

thoughts are energies and positive thoughts bring on positive events"

Perhaps too wrapped up in Philip roth whom i had just finished reading and Yitzhak Beshevis singer whose children stories i insisted on sharing with my children , tales of spirits and death and dark forces that lurk beyond and philip Roth ,men of my tribe, who describes the struggle between body and soul

so well

and then there was Jane

yes, like L.Cohen sings

"Jane came along with a strand of your hair"..in famous blue raincoat

Jane Austen what would she think of this naive philosophy

Jane Austen whose heroines want and wish so much and get at the end something rather different than what they had expected

whose world is complex and yet clearly against the fast food oder as you wish world Andrea was presenting to us..

The words of my therapist, my jewish shrink, came out of my mouth as i raised my hand daintly and spoke.

"I find there is a need for negative as well as positive in life..because life is not that simple, it cant be all positive, life is a process..

you know, ying yang,"i throw in a popular phrase at the end hoping to have reached a receiving ear  with the monolgue i just gave passionately yet what i considered gentle words ...

Andrea simply said

"Out, you are out of the program "and pointed the way out..

i felt like the eternal Jew, and had understood why the Russians had insisted on a separation zone,

they could not stand the stories, the sharing, and caring

it was too much for the Russian Czar , and it was too much for the Swiss relaxation expert

that was it

i finally got the reason why Jews were not welcomed in Europe

they stood in the way of people trying to RELAX

too much emotion, too much passion, too much of everything

i gathered the comfortable clothes i was wearing, my mother's   hand me down track suit and walked gingerly out with my rose colored socks

i made a sort of statement waving Jane Austen though i doubt anyone had noticed me leave or jane Austen's paperback novel as they had their eyes blindly set upon Andrea and her wonderous cures and of course as she was sponsering their ladies nights out and time off kids

the choice had been clearly made

i left the room

sharing my fraustration with the cleaning lady/rabbit and goat keeper who nodded her head in more empathy than Andrea possessed in her entire body ..

Later on Andrea made her way to where we were residing , one vacation apartment next to eachother , which turned out to be the witch's brew..she was stirring some trouble

As i went to reception that evening Andrea marched in telling the lady in reception that some women in the group had complained about my presence, that had upset them

this is no  place for therapy ! she said

a  single blond mom showed up out of nowhere like a scene from "Rosemary's baby "  with a long braid had suddenly showed up, she wrapped her arms around me and said,

you clearly need help, you are not well at all, i know i am a nurse

..This is not the place for you ..

i recalled the words of my nonjewish mother in law

"You need to be with the Jewish community, where you belong"

the help i needed was of course not there but to seek somewhere else

far far away

perhaps the jewish stettel i had guessed however having done my share of therapy that day

i left the room of women and had gone and done what my Jewish mother taught me works best in such cases

when the dog barks, when the bee stings, when i 'm feeling sad

i simply went shopping at the local supermarket

worked wonders..

I was out of the group, the circle of women avoided me except one women who had no choice as i had the only similar age boys in the group she had to stomach my presence as her boy and my boys played billiard

offers of exchanging their massage dates came as the women found out i would be leaving Friday instead of saturday so we could  celebrate shabbat in our little stettel

i had missed out on the women's outing to the smalll pretty town to share and care (but not too much..)

and had gone instead to watch the local farmer milk the cows as the family farm center offered an outing

sunset with the cows proved to be very therapeutic

i had sipped milk pumped  from a cow called "Blumli", and had dragged along my daughter who felt a bit too grown up but joined the other children in caressing a box of new born kittens the pretty young farmer's wife shared with the kids..

i was out of the women's circle but in another cirlce,

i chatted with the friendly farmer

this time not about terrorist attacks on tel Aviv

or giving birth

though i remembered the electronic pump i used to increase milk production in the hospital, that did not seem to bother anyone

i felt akin to the cows

one of the crowd

and no one singled me out or thought me improper

at last i found a club i could belong to¨

the gazing and grazing club

we walked home as the sun set slowly

Germans, Swiss, jews, mothers and fathers and children

united by the common factor: we loved green

taking in the view

the flowers that grew

the children that delighted in new born kittens

and the feeling of green everwhere..