If there is a theme with my own gym memberships it can probably be described as "Good Intentions, Bad Follow-Through", but there are other consistencies. Despite the varied demographics in all of these gyms I've attended, the same patterns emerge:
• The Sweaty Yeti. This beefy fellow has been woefully misinformed that tank tops with massive armholes that expose the entirety of his upper body will make him look stronger. Unfortunately, the exploding tufts of back/arm hair do nothing to hide his beer-barrel shape, but worse, the lack of fabric provides no absorption for the buckets of perspiration he's producing. Gross, dude.
• Olfactory Sneak Attack. This person gets on the elliptical next to you, and for a few minutes all is fine . . . until. Insidiously, Olfactory Sneak Attack's body odor forms an evil black cloud that surrounds your face. With every inhale, you're getting a moist jungle whiff of eau de unwashed armpit. You try and breathe through your mouth, but all is lost, and now you're noticing that the person on the other side of you is wrinkling their nose. They think it's YOU. OH MY GOD.
• Grunty McStrainalot. I've never seen a gym without one: a guy who spends his time in the free weight room, heaving and groaning as though he's trying to pass the world's biggest pinecone through his colon. "URRRRRRRRRRRNH," he says, then pants heavily for a bit. "AAARRNGGGH." If Grunty could also position a cartoon bubble above his weight saying THIS IS REAL HEAVY AND I AM VERY STRONG he would surely do so. "HSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSS."
• The Beauty Queen. I don't know if I've ever actually seen the Beauty Queen work out, she seems to mostly be there because of all the big shiny mirrors. Fully made up and sporting an elaborately casual updo, she's wearing Juicy Couture sweats and about fifteen inches of tanned midriff is showing. You get the feeling that she and Grunty would make a good couple.
As for me, I'm the 30-Something With Awkwardly-Pigtail'd-Hair Fighting a Losing Battle With a C-Section Pooch. How about you?
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Comments: 22
Good thing there aren't any hybrid versions of these gym archetypes. Mix the strainer with the sweater and I envision a grunting fellow with buckets of sweat streaming with each strain.
Mix the strainer and the sneak stinker and... well, I'll let you create the visual on your own...
I'd rather exercise outdoors or at home.
I waste plenty of time looking at what others are doing. A few in particular.
"Ewwwww" whaddya mean ewwwww? me and mirrors were made for each other. ;)
I went every other day because I have a bad back, and the workouts help that more than any pill.
For the first year I went after work. Everyone seems to go after work, so it's not only crowded; it took me most of the evening to get a full workout in because I had to wait and wait for the equipment to be available.
I found that going there at 4:30 a.m. is so much better!
First, no one else is on the road when you drive there, so it was a 2-minute ride.
Second, it wasn't crowded.
Third, the same people go at 4:30, so you end up knowing the other people there, and everyone says good morning to each other.
Fourth, I even got friendly with a couple of regulars, and one helped me find a job.
No one is there for anything but a workout; no one acts like they're at a singles club.
Enjoyed your descriptions!
Stinky Breath: sometimes, the smell is not B.O.,it's the onion/garlic-heavy meal your neighbor recently ate and now is expelling in a foul cloud each time he exhales. Request: chew some gum!
the American Idol: how about those who think everyone nearby wants to hear them karaoke their iPod? What's almost worse is the American Idol, the Humming version. Request: STFU!!
The overly-chatty locker room woman: it seems I must look like I CARE how hard your workout was, or how tired you are? because I have often had random strangers launch into chatty monologues on these & related subjects while I am getting changed. Request: don't talk to me! I am changing. I don't know you. I don't want to have to listen to you tell me about your workout while my tits are hanging out & I try to wrestle them into an exercise bra.
The Aggressive Trainers: maybe you are fortunate enough to belong to a gym in which the trainers are not always trying to drum up new clients. I, on the other hand, have been accosted mid-workout on many occasions. Tip for would-be trainers: I can promise you that if you bug me while I am exercising & suggest, by your very presence, that I LOOK like I need your services, I will never, ever, hire you. So leave me alone, please.
GOOD ARTICLE!