Conflict has so many facets, coming from so many directions and personally I won’t make any secret out of the fact that I hate confrontation and will do anything possible to avoid it .Thus it becomes a vicious circle where I end up unhappy and frustrated a lot of times.
How do you solve conflict?
I grew up in a house where conflict was an endangered specie. My parents are one of those couples that you see and hear about. They live in this blissful June and Ward Cleaver world, matching t-shirts, always in agreement, skip into the sunset while violins are playing kind of thing. It works for them; they’ve been married for 40 and some years and seem happy.
When it comes to me however, it’s very obvious that I picked up my dismay of any potential tension from the environment I grew up but for some reason it does not work for me the same way it worked for my parents . I don’t consider myself a “nice” person and I am voluntary admitting that I am the biggest curmudgeon , misanthrope you’ll come across, (different adjectives have been used next to my name but for the sake of keeping this snippet rated G we’ll leave it at that). I have strong opinions about art , music , literature and while it’s clear that I am a product of some superfluous and arrogant old fashion intelligentsia , when it comes to dealing with the slightest conflict I become a babbling baboon and I run for the cover of compromise. I should be able to find my words elegantly and express my dismay for this or that without any problems but the truth is that I can’t. That makes me a coward, no question about it and more often than I care to remember I lost valuable friendships because I did not speak up.
For example : why is it that although it bothers me picking up clothes off the chairs or the floor and reassigning them to the correct spot I never speak up ? I mean it’s really not a huge leap of concentrated effort to separate laundry stuff from clothes that belong in the wardrobe. I end up spending the two seconds it takes me to restore order but end up sulky for the rest of the day. I did this with various people I shared my life at different times and I ended up being ticked off all the time without articulating the issue. Any man on this planet will affirm that asking a visibly aggravated woman “what’s wrong” and hearing “nothing “in return is the most frustrating conversation taking place between two seemingly intelligent adults .
What do people do? How do you find a reasonable balance? How do you vent frustration without using the classic passive aggressive approach? A good battle should be objective and honest - never vicious or cruel, I know that. A good battle should be healthy and constructive, and bring harmony to any relationship but unfortunately it’s also an art that I have not mastered yet. (And the irony here being that I went to school for an art degree).
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My father has been dead for 25 years now and mom is still angry. She's grumpy about everything because she never stood up for herself. To the outside world, my parents were a happy couple and because mom was so good at pretending, now her friends won't even believe her when she tells the truth about their relationship. She dislikes all men because of my dad.
Don't avoid discussion, conflict and even anger. Believe me, it will catch up with you sooner or later.
I hate being the only one to do everything. It's not good for your health to keep things held so deep within that you end up exploding.
Try giving an argument to yourself first, practice listening and telling how you feel. I know that sounds silly but, it will work, trust me.
My background was exactly the opposite of yours; my mother and father fought and argued constantly. I was always the peacemaker, not an enviable position. So I spent a lot of my life just "trying to get along". Doesn't work. If you're a human, you have likes and dislikes, opinions and feelings. You're allowed to express those feelings. I think the key is to express them in a way that's proportionate to the matter at hand. For example, you don't want to nail your spouse to the wall and start screaming, "Pick up your own damned socks or I will kill you!" But letting him know you don't appreciate having to pick up after a grown man is certainly appropriate. It's okay to have strong opinions about things, just don't expect people to necessarily agree with them. As long as you can express yourself and vent how you feel in a civilized way, you'll feel better and get better and better about speaking up without putting people off.
My parents actually really are content with each other, I don’t think they are hiding any resentment….of course that leaves me having to fit pretty big shoes ..
Thanks so much for commenting,
Thanks for the comment makes sense
Most Ward and June couples are actually passive-aggressive. When we feel resentful, but don't voice our feelings, those feelings come out in other ways that can be very hurtful.
Assertiveness is simple honesty without wimping out, acting out, or hurting anyone. It is a very liberating way to live.
use dull knives, carved out of cherrywood.
(am i kidding?
i'm kidding.)
STAND UP.
OR BE WALKED ON.