“Before bombing we will be careful to evacuate all citizens of voting age.”(With all the commentary streaming 24/7 from political pundits with too much television time on their hands, it seemed appropriate to put a ridiculous spin on an absurd media situation.)
The Iraq War is getting a little long in the tooth. When the average American TV viewer starts pronouncing words like fedayeen correctly and can point to Basra on a map, you just know TV ratings are going to plummet. Bad ratings mean only one thing: we’ve overstayed our welcome.
Maybe it’s time to bomb Peoria.
Ha, just kidding, Illinois. We could just as well bomb Cleveland or Newark or San Francisco south of Market. The point is that it’s “time to bring the war home.” Instead of attacking Iran, which seems to be where Bush and Cheney are heading, we should just attack ourselves.
(Now, now. Move away from that backspace arrow and hear me out.)
America seems best off when at war. We rewarded the group that booted Hitler out of Europe with the title “The Greatest Generation.” War also helps the economy, especially the manufacturing sector. Television sets are no longer made in America and, unless gas prices drop precipitously, we may have to close down the automobile factories as well.
Fortunately, we still have the trailer home business, a growing market now that FEMA is managing our hurricanes. Unfortunately, many of our major factories are already being converted to make TVs, kitchens and sports cars for Barbie and an array of action heroes.
There are so many advantages to attacking ourselves, I am amazed Pentagon planners didn’t pounce on this before.
1. We get to bring the troops home. Sure, they’ll still be fighting, but only during the day. At night they’ll go home to their families and relax. Fighting in America also dramatically reduces the Department of Defense budget because when a soldier is living at home, the military only has to buy him lunch.
2. Attacking America will reduce global warming and possibly stop it all together. We’re consuming huge quantities of fossil fuel transporting war materiel, troops and crack Halliburton accountants to the Middle East. By fighting ourselves, those transportation costs are dramatically reduced because we are already here.
3. There will be minimal collateral damage. This is important to liberal voters who oppose wars often for that very reason. A politician will think twice before bombing a residential area chock full of voters. Done with strategic foresight, internal domestic bombardment could give many cities a much-needed leg-up on languishing renewal projects by leveling blighted urban areas. Before bombing, we will be careful to evacuate all citizens of voting age.
4. Conducting a war at home gives politicians something to do and keeps them from screwing up domestic programs. While most congressmen and senators play with war budgets, guns and tanks, we could have a small elite congressional cadre, specially trained in the arcane skill of “getting things done,” draft and pass legislation that provides affordable national health insurance, simplifies the Internal Revenue Code, designs an eco-friendly national energy policy and funds the fixing of all the potholes over 6” in diameter.
5. If the war is here, the Justice Department can listen in on domestic phone calls. Taxpayers paid for a lot of state-of-the-art wiretapping equipment that is going to waste because law enforcement is hogtied by a set of laws passed some 200-odd years ago (popularly known as the constitution).
6. We deserve it because America has been a bad boy, yet attacking ourselves is a war we can contain. If we accidentally blow up a BBQ stand in North Carolina, no fundamentalist zealot is going to wage a jihad against us for all eternity. OK, maybe bombing BBQ in North Carolina is a bad example, but you know what I mean. No one wants to live under a fatwa, which means in Arabic, “You talkin’ bout my momma?”
Lastly, an important plus in attacking ourselves is that if we have to use tactical nuclear weapons, strong westerly winds will sweep any radiation away quickly and send it in the general direction of France.
###
Note: I am subbing this week for Greg Schiller, Member Editor for Gather Essentials: Writing Humor Monday, who is on vacation and did not approve this message.
I welcome your humor and any other writing submissions to help everyone start this week off with a smile. Thanks.
The Iraq War is getting a little long in the tooth. When the average American TV viewer starts pronouncing words like fedayeen correctly and can point to Basra on a map, you just know TV ratings are going to plummet. Bad ratings mean only one thing: we’ve overstayed our welcome.
Maybe it’s time to bomb Peoria.
Ha, just kidding, Illinois. We could just as well bomb Cleveland or Newark or San Francisco south of Market. The point is that it’s “time to bring the war home.” Instead of attacking Iran, which seems to be where Bush and Cheney are heading, we should just attack ourselves.
(Now, now. Move away from that backspace arrow and hear me out.)
America seems best off when at war. We rewarded the group that booted Hitler out of Europe with the title “The Greatest Generation.” War also helps the economy, especially the manufacturing sector. Television sets are no longer made in America and, unless gas prices drop precipitously, we may have to close down the automobile factories as well.
Fortunately, we still have the trailer home business, a growing market now that FEMA is managing our hurricanes. Unfortunately, many of our major factories are already being converted to make TVs, kitchens and sports cars for Barbie and an array of action heroes.
There are so many advantages to attacking ourselves, I am amazed Pentagon planners didn’t pounce on this before.
1. We get to bring the troops home. Sure, they’ll still be fighting, but only during the day. At night they’ll go home to their families and relax. Fighting in America also dramatically reduces the Department of Defense budget because when a soldier is living at home, the military only has to buy him lunch.
2. Attacking America will reduce global warming and possibly stop it all together. We’re consuming huge quantities of fossil fuel transporting war materiel, troops and crack Halliburton accountants to the Middle East. By fighting ourselves, those transportation costs are dramatically reduced because we are already here.
3. There will be minimal collateral damage. This is important to liberal voters who oppose wars often for that very reason. A politician will think twice before bombing a residential area chock full of voters. Done with strategic foresight, internal domestic bombardment could give many cities a much-needed leg-up on languishing renewal projects by leveling blighted urban areas. Before bombing, we will be careful to evacuate all citizens of voting age.
4. Conducting a war at home gives politicians something to do and keeps them from screwing up domestic programs. While most congressmen and senators play with war budgets, guns and tanks, we could have a small elite congressional cadre, specially trained in the arcane skill of “getting things done,” draft and pass legislation that provides affordable national health insurance, simplifies the Internal Revenue Code, designs an eco-friendly national energy policy and funds the fixing of all the potholes over 6” in diameter.
5. If the war is here, the Justice Department can listen in on domestic phone calls. Taxpayers paid for a lot of state-of-the-art wiretapping equipment that is going to waste because law enforcement is hogtied by a set of laws passed some 200-odd years ago (popularly known as the constitution).
6. We deserve it because America has been a bad boy, yet attacking ourselves is a war we can contain. If we accidentally blow up a BBQ stand in North Carolina, no fundamentalist zealot is going to wage a jihad against us for all eternity. OK, maybe bombing BBQ in North Carolina is a bad example, but you know what I mean. No one wants to live under a fatwa, which means in Arabic, “You talkin’ bout my momma?”
Lastly, an important plus in attacking ourselves is that if we have to use tactical nuclear weapons, strong westerly winds will sweep any radiation away quickly and send it in the general direction of France.
###
Note: I am subbing this week for Greg Schiller, Member Editor for Gather Essentials: Writing Humor Monday, who is on vacation and did not approve this message.
I welcome your humor and any other writing submissions to help everyone start this week off with a smile. Thanks.
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Comments: 200
Biting and humorous, John. Welcome to Monday.
Have a great week.
Nothing personal. I had to pick someplace. Glad they need a spanking.
John -- I believe my favorite line is "trained in the arcane skill of “getting things done,”" and for that you are my hero for the day.
It would be nice to get that arcane skill back some day.
Bombing a BBQ place anywhere in the south will start a war. Hmmmmmmmm Maybe you have something there.
Great article!
For the good of Science.
Nobody'd fool with us then.
But, at least he will still work...
Very funny article by the way John!
:)
Now, all we have to do is bomb..
My back yard, it's full of weeds.
He, he!
How did we miss that entitlement carrot in an election year?
Oh, how the public will love me!
Yes, we should bomb Cleveland, bulldoze the debris and plant apple trees in its stead.
Yes, we labeled my dad's generation correctly. All of you who like the sound of "The Greatest Generation" can thank my dad, through me, for living then.
Florida should be given temporary secession each and every election year and then brought back into the fold to preserve the fact that Disney World represents America at her most seriousness. I always wanted to do a poem of Florida titled, "Land of the Blue Hairs" but I'd probably start a Cuban revolt.
Yes, Halliburton is actually okay with us leaving Iraq, they already know they'll have a no-bid opportunity to rebuild whatever the U.S. bombs next. Except Cleveland, cuz they (Halliburton) are not in the tree-planting business. More trees are cut down to produce Halliburton checks then to make all the textbooks in the free world. Yep, I may be a tad biased on this one.
And lastly, I hope you will read My Latest .
Thanks and goodnight.
Good one John ~
Have a good Monday morning 2U2
I saw we march on Crawford, Texas, take over the ranch, and turn it into a rehab.
Thank you for posting to Make Me Laugh
The only problem with bombing Crawford is the "before" and "after" pictures will look pretty much the same.
Kim, that is always the danger with satire. I'm willing to take the chance if Peoria is.
I think you've got it, Jan. Sometimes even elected officials need to be duped.
I especially love the idea of letting Florida secede during every election.
There's more than enough humor fodder in the news every day.
However, my guess is the idea wouldn't make it out of committee.
I wonder what the chances of that are?
well, maybe it is OK :)
Amen, Atlantis.
Might I add the same holds true with "running the country" and "politicians."
Now, Judi, there you go coming up with a real good idea again. :)
Any objections?
There will be no BBQ bombing on my watch.
For those interested: there is more about BBQ at:
The three B's of summer: Baseball & Barbecue & Beer
Gentlemen, circle your barbecues, the grill girls are coming
and
West beats East in Carolina barbecue wars
Of course, it would make sense to bomb Texas but I just can't see this administration approving that
... unless we could bury in on page 432 of some legislation along with all the other pork barrel amendments.
Hmmm.
I see from the ratings that someone from Peoria has checked in.