How To Get Published: The Cynic's Version

A friend of mine (Ian B., geographer70, nice guy; go get him) asked me how I'd managed to get published (next month: my novel Evan's Castle, via Stonegarden.net Publishing, buy now!).

I dunno.  Luck.  I followed Peter Joseph Swanson over there and hung around until the publisher took me on, probably just to get rid of me!

But here's my more cynical version of the process, as I wrote to Ian: 

Summary of How To Get Published

1) write a manuscript of any caliber: fantastic to craptacular.  (In theory the quality should matter, but if you look at books put out today by the big publishing houses, it obviously doesn't matter that much.)

2) write a cover letter to an agent which, in one page, brilliantly sums up your manuscript as well as your life (emphasizing why you are even permitted to write), strokes the agent's ego, and incidentally also cures cancer, reduces gasoline prices, washes the agent's car, possibly gives the agent a car, and in a truly ideal world, also slips the agent a hundred bucks while simultaneously naming famous people (not necessarily authors) who can recommend you and your work.  (Catch-22: you have to know famous people who can recommend you and your work.)   Be succinct.

3) repeat Step 2 five billion times and then give up

4) hope that a small publisher will take you on without an agent, and accept that you might sell very few copies simply because very small publishers generally have no advertising budget

5) if that fails, self-publish, and accept the stigma that goes with  it, even though you might very well be a darned good writer (and yes, many darned good writers are forced to self-publish).   

Most mainstream publishing houses don't accept unagented work.  But it seems to me that you can't get an agent unless you really don't need one. 

So... did that help 'splain the process? 

I'm lucky to have found Stonegarden.net through Peter.  I wish all you other writers the same kind of luck!