I'm reposting this since it didn't go to any of my groups originally.
My daughter is 14 years old. I got pregnant with her when I was in high school. Once my parents got over the sheer shock, they were very supportive. My "baby's daddy" lived (and still lives) a couple of hours away. While my daughter didn't always see her dad, she saw his family regularly. His family made me feel part of their family.
When I was 19, I met a nice guy and got married. We had a nice life. After six years of living as roommates and not man and wife, I left. I bought a house and we adjusted to life as the two of us. Shortly later, I met the man I knew I was supposed to be with. He moved in with my daughter and I, and we got married the next year.
Two years ago, we experienced some more major change. I happily became pregnant and then tragically the company my husband worked for closed without warning. Without many job choices due to the time of year and Michigan's economy, my husband finally took an entry level position paying less than half of what he used to make. We lost our house. We filed bankruptcy.
Recently, we were given the opportunity to move into a beautiful, large home at a deeply discounted rent rate right next to the restaurants my husband and I work at. We were thrilled, but my daughter not so much, as it meant she will be starting a new school in the fall. Overall, it's been a very positive change. We don't drive at all hardly. We're surrounded by great businesses we can walk to, and my daughter has gotten a job. We're in the town my parents live in. Morgan still goes to the same church, same youth group, etc...
We have always had a great relationship, so I was shocked when she told me she wanted to go live with her dad.
I can understand her nervousness about starting a new school. I remember how I hated my parents at times. But I'm not going to let her move across the state without better reasons than she doesn't want to go to Frankenmuth or she feels like I have a new family now. I'm reminded of how immature she really is when she answers my questions with an "I don't know" and a shrug.
My mom and I both went to college. My brother is a youth pastor. My daughter and I have already begun talking about colleges for her to pursue her nursing careeer. Living here, she is held to a high standard that she may not like now, but she'll appreciate when she's an adult.
I fear that same standard won't be upheld if she lives with her dad. There aren't college graduates in his immediate family. It's a bigger city, with more access to temptation. Her dad doesn't go to church, so she doesn't have any plans to go to church over there. She doesn't know exactly how she'll get to school (here, she walks; it's a small town and we're blocks from the school). Her dad, his girlfriend and the majority of their family smoke; I'm sure if she moves over there, it's only a matter of time before she picks up the habit, and the idea of my girl smoking makes me want to cry. The idea of her with less supervision and ending up pregnant makes me want to cry as well.
I told her, and her dad, that it isn't my job to make her happy at 14; it's to give her the tools, guidance and direction to make her happy at 44. I am sure if I just let her go, she'd come back to me years from now and ask why. The two of them now have to decide if they want to pursue custody, and if so, petition the court.
It's so heartbreaking.
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Comments: 37
Also how far is it to the old school, does she drive and do they have open enrollment? I didn't want to leave my school when my mom moved my senior year. They have open enrollment so I choose to stay at that school and commute the half hour to get there everymorning. If she is old enough to drive let her enroll in old school and drive herself back and forth. it is a compromise option.
But holding on to her too tight may make it get personal.
So, yes, I would take Eclectic's advice. Let her go with conditions. She may get over it. She may not. But just don't ever make her feel like you abandoned her by giving her up, too easily.
I was in the 5th grade (or rather, getting ready to go into the 5th grade) when Jason (Morgan's dad- for those not in the know) and I both decided it would be so much better if we lived with mom for a while. It meant changing schools, and having our lives change drastically.
I won't give you advice specific to this, because I don't know what to say. I will say, though, that when we moved in with Mom, it was great for Jason, and horrible for me. She, having not really been a fully time mom to anyone but Brooke at that point (she'd have been a newborn still), mom really wasn't prepared for a house full of kids- or all that it entails.
My grades suffered horribly, and I developed some nasty work habits due to new friends, and a lack of structure at home. I didn't do my homework, I almost didn't pass 5th grade because of it, I forged signatures, I faked being sick almost 20 times before Christmas- and got away with it.
I think right now, Morgan probably sees living with Jason and Amber the way she views her visits- time when she gets a break from her normal life, and gets to do fun things.
If, after she and you talk about it in depth, and she still wants to do it, I'd recommend having a sit down conversation with Morgan and Jason about it- just the 3 of you. Maybe come up with an agreement that if she seems to be going down hill with her grades, or not attending church, etc, that she come back home.
Or, even do it on a trial basis- give her a set amount of time, and say that at the end, when you both have a better grasp on how she's doing, you'll make a final decision.
Good luck! You know I love you and Morgan both!
Another thing you can do is have her list the benefits of leaving and staying. If need be, let her go live him but let her know she's always welcome back. Sometimes a person needs to see what it is they're missing before they can see their mistakes.
You could let her go for a couple weeks tos ee if she would liek it.. sounds like she probably would not.. BUT then again what if she did.. more than likely it would be becasue she would not have rules like she does with you.. she may take advantage of that...
I would have somone at church that she really respects talk to her and maybe help her through this time! I hope that would help! I sure hope she stays home! Good Luck!!
best of luck!!!
I know she finds my rules and expectations a little restrictive, but there is no way she will ever be going to live with her father. I even have an appointment with a lawyer to set up a trust. All of the kids' inheritance will go in there, including my life insurance, with my parents and husband as trustees. That way, if my parents don't manage to win custody in the event of my death, they and my husband will still have some say in the kids' lives since they will control the money. He can't afford to raise them on his own.
I know if she comes to me in the next 5 years and wants to move in with him, my answer will be no. She won't understand now, but she will respect my decision later. Every time I have to make a hard decision regarding her, I remember that I have called my mom many times to thank her for everything she did when I was a kid, including her unpopular decisions.
Best of luck in whatever you decide.