Alot of people when they talk about their coming out stories one of the biggest things they were afraid of doing was telling their parents. It was up there on my list i assure you but it wasn't my biggest concern. I knew they would take it kindly because my sister and my uncle are both gay and so it wouldn't have been that big of a shock to them. I wasn't worried about being thrown out on the street, condemned, or even being put through orientation councelling. My biggest concern and fear was telling one of my best friends.
I had come out to most of my friends when i was a sophmore in highschool. Many of them had had their notions and ideas that i might have been but never confronted me about it, and even if they had i would have probably lied to them up until that point because i was still trying to deny i was, telling myself it was a phase or that i was bi and that i liked girls more than i did guys. but in the end i knew i was lying to myself and finally accepted it. The first person i ever told full out that i was gay was my best friend Kara who took it was a shock at first and then grew to accept it and now we are closer then we ever were. Through out sophomore and junior year only a few of my close friends knew until finally i got over the fear of fully coming out and finally said it loud and proud. That was when i told brandon, my oldest and closest friend.
Brandon had moved about 2 hours away when we were in the beginning of 8th grade. Me and him had still talked through out the years and for the first few summers we were gone we were constantly going from his house to my house and back again all during the summer. There were times when we would lose touch for half a year to almost a full year but we always ended up finding each other again. We've always been close and i consider him apart of my family, which is why i was so scared to tell him about the one thing i thought would tear us apart. I didn't want to lose one of my best friends, a family member.
Brandon had introduced me to one of his friends, Danee who i still talk to and love hanging out with whenever we get the chance (she too lives 2 hous away). We were talking and she had finally convinced me to tell him but i was too scared to so she gave me a little nudge. Brandon, Danee, and I were talking on Yahoo IM in a Conference room with just the three of us about random stuff and having a good time. The conversation starts to turn serious and slowly she starts bugging me, at first subtly and then full on tellin me to him, about me being gay.
Brandon, god bless his heart, was completely dense about whta we were talking about, even tho i gave him hint after hint after hint over the years and especially while she was doing her whole, "tell him jeremy, tell him" routine. I figured if i didnt' actually say it that would make it easier, but in my head i knew that no matter what the outcome would be the same. He would either accept me for the way i am and still be my friend and brother or he would abandon me and end out nTH year friendship.
I finally got up the courage to say it outloud to him (technically it wasn't outloud since i was IM'ing but anyway) and for the longest time he never said anything. I was on edge, biting my nails, holding my breathe and prayer that he was going to say that he didn't care and that we were still friends. I saw the little icon on the bottom blinking saying that "brandon is typing a message" and my heart skipped a beat i was so nervous. It popped on the screen and i could barely read the message i was so tense.
He said that i was stupid for thikning that he would end the friendship over something so small (something so small he said, he had no idea how much it had weighed on me not telling him). He was actually a little peeved that he wasn't the first person that i had told an reprimanded me for it which made me smile so big that i looked like it was going to get stuck that way.
THe hardest thing for me to do when i was coming out wasn't telling my family or trying to cope with it myself. I wasn't scared of being thrown out into the streets or condemned because of who i was but of being abandoned by the closest friend i had ever known and he had accepted me. Coming out to him was the hardest thing i've ever had to do and i will never forget it for as long as i live. I will never forget how happy i was that he shrugged it off and yelled at me for not telling him sooner. I love him as a brother and always will. That was the hardest thing about coming out for me.
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Comments: 42
I hope things have gotten easier over time and that you have founds your path in life. All the best to you Jeremy and may you have nothing but happyness.
Friends like that you do not let go. The same goes for your friend. They are so hard to come by and when you find them (im speechless now and teary eyed). You never want to let go. The thought of losing them alone, is enough pain.
I am so glad that you are out and are happy about it. I know sometimes things seem so big that one doesn't want to share for fear of rejection but I have seen so many things being discussed here on Gather and for the most part everyone has been so accepting. I just wish all of the world was as it is here in our little world called Gather.
Peace be with you!
much love and peace be with you as well !
There has been more than one time where I have been the best friend in that situation... I simply cannot understand why someone would drop you as a friend for something like that, but it happens quite often, and that's sad.
Glad he stuck by you! :)
My problem never was coming out but having to go into the closeted world when my family decided they wanted my children after my Partner died.Being of the Country Club elite in Florida in 1971 I would have lost.
I called a great friend whom was gay he came don we got married and the case was null and void. for many years I beat myself up for what i had done to be the perfect pta etc mom Jerry had his run and fun but in my mind I had to be alone while they were alive fear is a terrible thing.
Later on after ny parents had passed My Children's reaction ws real bad
Not because I was a lesbian but because I had taught them so well to be yourself no mater what and that a lie of omission is still a lie.
My activism from14 to 22 restarted in my fortieth year and will be ongoing though my children and grandchildren long after I am gone. Still I sometimes wonder just what I could have accomplished if I hadn't hidden for that period of time.
Most today, the coming out process is easier, and I am glad for that. Things were much more difficult, during the time when I came out,which was, at the begining of the aids crisis, and the gay community was being blamed. It was twice as hard for me, as I had two children, and was divorced (yes I lived for a short while as a straight person, till I could no longer deny, once I had an explanation for my feelings). My fear of rejection, or being beatup, was not my biggest concern, it was my children I worried about. Peers can be cruel. There was also a safety concern for them as well. But, those whom I had friendships with during that time, were understanding, and valued my friendship. They had come to know me, and realized, I was a good person, and thats what mattered.
My children are grown now, and have since they found out (before I told them even. Guess kids are smarter, than we give them credit for) been supportive in everyway. I consider myself blessed.
i am so glad things worked out for you dee, and peers can be very cruel but luckily i have never had to deal with those issues and hopefully will never have to. Bless you and yours and i hope your doing well.
Thank you all for your comments
Your article is great. I'm glad your friends are true to you. I wished my family was ok with me, but that is their wish. Oh well. Bless you.
Now I'm glad we can have our wedding and invite whoever we want without worrying about who knows. And if it bothers a few of them (which we're sure it'll bother some great aunts on Tara's side who are Bible thumpers), then they can just not attend. That's their preference, and also their loss to miss out on a joyous occasion.
Thanks for sharing your story.
This is one of the most difficult things about being gay. I still experience severe anxiety over coming out to a stranger. I'd much rather get to know someone first (unless I know they're supportive) and come out to them later, after they've gotten a chance to know me. If they consider it to be a problem to our friendship/work relationship/etc. then they're probably not someone I'd want in my life anyway. But at least I've given them a chance to get to know me first, beforehand.
If I'm asked, however, I'm always truthful about the matter.
I'm glad your story had a happy ending. I went through all of the worries over coming out, w/ respect to my family, and also had a slightly similar experience when i came out to my best friend. But that's a story for another day....
Peter, I hope you don't have to say very many good-byes as a result....you are a wonderful, caring person.
Once high school was over, we left and went our separate ways to college. We kept in frequent contact for awhile...but eventually lost touch. I did come to discover that all 3 of them eventually came out of the closet and was happy to hear that they did. I wish they had felt free to do that with me, but understand their reasons at the time.
I'm so happy your friend took your news well...because that is what any true friend would do....:)
And my thoughts are.
what ever makes YOU happy makes me happy, I would love to have grandbabies someday however if thats not what they want, than no pressure from mom:)
I have No problems with it.
Great story. You'd be surprised how many people accept it these days. Your true friends won't have a problem with it at all. It's not like it's harmful to people in any way, and a lot of us can see that. I'm glad you came out, and let people know the truth. Be yourself. That's all you gotta do. :]
When I did finally come out because I met a boy I really liked, they all were happy for me, albeit shocked...my one friend even asked a bunch of questions while my other friends were thinking deeply at how many time they must have offended me over the years. I told them not to bother, and I am the same guy, with the same sense of humor....next thing you know they all wanted to know the me that was hiding from them for so long....and I can say Jeremy, I felt that smile. Thank you very much for sharing that, and bringing the smile back.
Pat
One of the friends, and to this day, he still calls us Mom and Dad and we do love him just like another son... called up, middle of the night, Easter was the next day and I was actually up, cooking as I do the cooking for all of the holidays. He got very serious and told me he had something he had to tell me... very nervous about it too. He finally blurted out, "I think I'm gay!" (in tears -- I was amazed, not that he was gay, we'd already figured that out, but that he was afraid to tell me!)
I came back at him with, "About time you told us!" Silence. Dead silence. He asked me if I'd known, I said sure, but we love you for you. He timidly asked me if "Dad knew - Yep, if our son knew, Yep, then, well, who ELSE knows?
I told him only a few that I knew of, and he went, OMG, POP? (My Dad)... then (GRAM?) my Mom), Yep and Yep. Uhhh, not Aunt Leona!? (our Aunt) Yep....
Then it came, "How come nobody's ever said anything and they don't treat me differently?"
Because you're not different, you're the same person you've always been and we love you for being you. We both cried and I wish I could say the same of his parents when he told them, but that was a horror story, and he again, came to live with us.
We (my husband Mark and I) met his first boyfriend, what a nice guy he was!, and felt honored to be chosen to meet him. His own parents, I think, missed out on a heck of a lot of the good things, how can a parent or true friend reject who one is? That's not right, it'll never be right and I do think we're on the right track to changing it - but we still have a ways to go.
What you did took a lot of courage and I'm really proud of you for doing it. I know it did with our "other" son and even when we moved to FL for over four years, besides our son who came down a lot, he also came down a few times too, to see Mom and Dad.
Love doesn't change like that or sure shouldn't. Good for you...
Marilyn
I am not trying to condemn you Jeremy. Just let you know that God had something different in mind for you when you came into this world.
Do what you want with your life, because it is your life. I just wanted to share with you a different view of what you think is the direction you whould be headed in. God lbess! :)