by Mike Ellwood
Member since:
November 20, 2006

A Vacant Chamber - Seashell - Poetry Please

July 23, 2008 04:58 AM EDT (Updated: July 23, 2008 12:23 PM EDT)
views: 117 | rating: 10/10 (19 votes) | comments: 46

                A Vacant Chamber

 

He did not tell her the truth.

He let her think the seashell's whisper

Was the song of a windswept ocean,

 

His mouth to her ear the roar

Of waves, his breath

A sigh from the deeps.

 

How she swam in the seashell's seas!

Felt the currents and kicked with them,

Far and further from the shore -

 

An empty sky, a screaming wind,

Racing white-capped waves

And the chill of the infinite

 

Seeping through her heart.

Lost in troughs of swell

She closed her eyes and drowned.

 

                  *

 

Would it have been better

If he had explained to her

How ambient sound

 

Swirls round and round

Disintegrating codelessly

In a vacant chamber?

 

That the white-noise

Is not even the trace

Of hot blood circulating?

 

Would she have crawled from the surf

And collapsed on a shore of sand,

Then later, in the sunshine,

 

Have wept to watch the shattered shell

And silica clutched in her hand

Pour away like childish dreams?

 

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Comments: 46

amy s. Jul 23, 2008, 12:56pm EDT
i think was a very good poem. I liked how it sounded. It reminded me of the seashell that my family had that told the sound of the sea. Congratulations on a great poem
Brian M. Jul 23, 2008, 12:56pm EDT
I like that poem.
Scott K. Jul 23, 2008, 12:56pm EDT
yeah, sounds like a lot of what i saw when i lived in SoCal
Lyn Owen Jul 23, 2008, 12:58pm EDT
Wonderful use of words. Quite a picture.
Sandre M. Jul 23, 2008, 1:10pm EDT
Really nice job!
Sharon B. Jul 23, 2008, 1:12pm EDT
nice job!
Christine H. Jul 23, 2008, 1:30pm EDT
Evokes some great images
Rosa See Ya Jul 23, 2008, 1:34pm EDT
I liked the "white noise" phrase. Good poem.
Barbara T. Jul 23, 2008, 1:44pm EDT
that was a great poem!!!
Sharon P. Jul 23, 2008, 1:53pm EDT
That brought back memories of my childhood. I used to love holding the shell to my ear.

Great poem.
Sarah Honenberger Jul 23, 2008, 2:33pm EDT
The white noise verse is lovely. Not sure you need the drowning set out that explicitly. It loses the possibility of metaphor. You might consider using disappeared instead, and let the reader consider the bigger idea in your conclusion. So it will be a story within a story and resonate more.
Mike Ellwood Jul 23, 2008, 2:55pm EDT
Thanks for the comments. Thanks, Sarah, for your suggestion, very positive and helpful. You may be a step ahead of me, but in my mind the 'drowning' was entirely metaphorical. I like my poems to be readily comprehensible, so I will say that this one is about the dichotomy between illusion, fantasy, delusion, wishful thinking etc on the one hand, and cold, scientific reality on the other. He let her continue to dream of romance or 'love' despite his lack of feeling for her. This is symbolized in her non-scientific belief that she can hear the ocean in a shell. Eventually his unexplained coldness numbed and 'drowned' her. Had he disabused her with the truth she might well have wept at the loss of a dream, but at least she would have been safe in the sunlight (a more optimistic future) on dry land.
Kristen D. Jul 23, 2008, 2:59pm EDT
I like the way it flows.
Mike Ellwood Jul 23, 2008, 3:16pm EDT
Me too, Russell. I don't think poetry should essentially be about how clever we are or are not. I think you are probably very smart!
Patricia M. Jul 23, 2008, 3:21pm EDT
Very good.
Kimber L. Jul 23, 2008, 3:42pm EDT
I like it!
Jennifer R. Jul 23, 2008, 3:42pm EDT
Nicely done but if I had been asked that question forthright I would have said to tell her the truth.
Bethany C. Jul 23, 2008, 6:02pm EDT
Oh, I loved this poem! I even liked the drowning part!

And a word to Russell. The wisest of men are those who understand how little they know.
Scott K. Jul 23, 2008, 6:09pm EDT
Enjoyed it!
Sophiya S. Jul 23, 2008, 6:50pm EDT
great job
RJ H. Jul 23, 2008, 7:36pm EDT
Lovely!
Angela A. Jul 23, 2008, 8:28pm EDT
Lively prose. Very vivid and free.
Teri V. Jul 23, 2008, 8:35pm EDT
very nice. :)
Georgiana S. Jul 23, 2008, 9:47pm EDT
lovely and sad
Sandi S. Jul 23, 2008, 10:53pm EDT
It drew me in. Enchanting!
Michael B. Jul 24, 2008, 12:33am EDT
A beautiful use of words
Carl "Prime Time" Lee Jul 24, 2008, 12:52am EDT
Thank you for using Gather Broadcast, where there is an open line of communication for all and you’re more than a connection.
Kimber F. Jul 24, 2008, 3:29am EDT
A wonderful poem. I really enjoyed the flow of it and the images it creates. Thanks for sharing and peace.
Susan B. Jul 24, 2008, 4:16am EDT
Terrific! Thank you for posting your poem in Poetry Please
Bonnie H. Jul 24, 2008, 7:50pm EDT
Very good!
Sujata (funnily 'Suji' ) S. Jul 24, 2008, 11:23pm EDT
Thank you modern poet to be so practically explain you point of control

yet know to love emoting words beautiful resonating well as dream song !!!
Sveth Aris Jul 25, 2008, 12:11am EDT
An interesting, well written post! Keep 'em coming.

Oh, and BTW, enrich your experience on Gather by joining us at pointmasters.gather.com.
Michelle W. Jul 25, 2008, 2:12pm EDT
Beautifully done. And reading the responses, it never fails to amaze me how a poet can write one thing, and have something in mind, and readers take it in entirely different directions.

This is great, literally, metaphorically, -- really!

be well
jenny D. Jul 26, 2008, 10:40pm EDT
That was beautiful. I loved how you twisted the words around to capture each feelin and emotion. It tugged at something inside me, trying to pull it free....
John Harris Beck Jul 28, 2008, 12:53am EDT
What an elegant poem, Mike. With that inward sweep to the drowning, and the outward return from sterile realism to recovered feeling. You have a wonderful feel for the shaping of poetic rhetoric, as well as fine images to sweep us along.
Esther IS Flesh and Blood S. Jul 28, 2008, 5:24am EDT
This so reminded me of a dream and I can't believe that my interpretation was what you were trying to convey. I'm not very good at interpreting poetry and find myself feeling dumb because I usually interpret it by the way it makes me feel when I read it and what it means to me. But this time, I got the message loud and clear.

This was indeed a very beautiful poem.
Julie S. Jul 29, 2008, 12:33pm EDT
Beautiful. Congratulations.
Susan B. Jul 29, 2008, 2:46pm EDT
Congratulations! Your poem will be featured this week in Poetry Please
amy s. Jul 29, 2008, 5:49pm EDT
congratulations on an awesome poem
Sheila Deeth Jul 29, 2008, 6:21pm EDT
Wow! Congratulations, and I love the poem. I guess I'm with Sarah - wanted the drowning to be metaphorical but wasn't quite sure if it was. I enjoyed your explanation of the poem too.
Andrea (Ms. Conservative) L. Jul 29, 2008, 7:15pm EDT
wonderful - I heard the ocean's waves in the background
Sujata (funnily 'Suji' ) S. Jul 29, 2008, 8:24pm EDT
Congratulations well you mightly do Mike as all ways !!!
Shelbia C. Aug 14, 2008, 3:12am EDT
Wonderfully written.
Sheila Deeth Sep 9, 2008, 9:16pm EDT
Wandering back through your posts. I really love this one.
DrewBerry L. Oct 20, 2008, 10:23am EDT
His mouth to her ear the roar

Of waves, his breath

A sigh from the deeps.

(I love this stanza - oh how those little whispers do roar)
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~


WOW - how passionate! You're writing is AWESOME Mike!

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