"So the last will be first, and the first last. For many are called, but few chosen."---Matthew 20:16(NKJV)
"There are easier things in life than trying to find a nice guy...like nailing jelly to a tree, for example."---Anonymous
So, while I was on vacation, I received an email from one of my aunts that she received from one of her other nieces. A portion of it went like this:
"Are you a nice guy who has always wondered why the cocky guy -- the one who barely appears interested in the girl--is usually the one who gets the girl?
Have you suffered from hearing the words, 'You're a really nice guy, but I only like you as a friend,' from a woman who you would do (or may, in fact, have already done) just about anything and everything for --only to turn around and watch her date (or even chase) a guy who treats her like she's nothing special? And are you stumped wondering why she would date a guy who treats her like that when she could have you who would treat her like a princess and give her everything she wants?
Well, you better brace yourself because I'm going to tell you a couple of secrets that you might not want to hear.
First, 'nice' equates with boring and predictable. Look up 'nice' in the dictionary and
you find: pleasant; agreeable; satisfactory. In other words, average -- not exceptional, not exciting, and not sexy. I'll bet you've never heard a woman say she didn't want to date a guy because he was too confident, too passionate, or too exciting -- have you? But, I'll bet you have heard women say things like, "He's such a nice guy. He's so sweet and he's always there for me, but I only like him as a friend." Or, 'He's such a good guy -- kind, thoughtful, generous, honest, loyal -- but there's no chemistry. He just doesn't turn me on.'
Sadly, I hear it all the time. The fact is, Mr. Nice Guy, you cannot bore a woman
into feeling attracted to you or into wanting to date you. And as obvious as that sounds, if you are one of those guys I described that is exactly what you are trying to do. And it won't work.
Please understand that I am not suggesting that you mistreat women or disrespect them in any way. What I'm suggesting is that you value and respect yourself more.
What I'm suggesting is that you value and respect yourself more.
To illustrate what I mean: The answer to the question, 'Why does the guy who doesn't appear to care as much about the girl get the girl?' is simple: The nice guy cares too much, too soon. He has made the woman too important and too valuable and it shows in everything he says and does. He is too available, too eager to please, too accommodating, and he gives too much -- all without getting anything in return. By doing so, he has made himself appear desperate, insecure, needy of this woman's attention, affection, and approval -- and he has stripped himself of any value in her eyes. After all, if he's already doing and giving everything, without her doing or giving anything - why would she value him?
She won't. She is not going to value him any more than he values himself. What she is going to do is look for someone else, someone who she perceives as being more worthy, more confident, and more valuable."
Unfortunately, I don't know the author of this narrative (I try my best to cite sources when I can), and to be honest with you, I found it humorous that my aunt would ask me to share any spiritual insight that I had on the topic, mostly because I am a "bad boy addict" in the first stages of recovery. But, I have often said that I know I don't write these (I Corinthians 2:14) and since I am a believer that all things work together for the good (Romans 8:28), I am praying that as we research this issue together that God will use some of my past experiences/lessons/revelations and this study to further free me from some of my own emotional baggage...and damage. And, that maybe you can get a little further insight into this matter, too.
The Right Kind of Lovin'
When it comes to matters of the heart, one of my favorite scriptures right now is Philippians 1:9 (Message):
"So this is my prayer: that your love will flourish and that you will not only love much but well. Learn to love appropriately. You need to use your head and test your feelings so that your love is sincere and intelligent, not sentimental gush. Live a lover's life, circumspect and exemplary, a life Jesus will be proud of: bountiful in fruits from the soul, making Jesus Christ attractive to all, getting everyone involved in the glory and praise of God."
If you are single, think back to your last failed relationship. Now be honest. First, did you go into it asking God to lead, and secondly did you ask him to show you how to love appropriately? Shoot, I know I didn't. As a matter of fact, I don't think I ever have. I mean, love is love, right? There doesn't need to be any boundaries on it. After all, God calls us to love our neighbors (James 2:8). Oh, but God didn't just give us a spirit of power and love, but a sound mind. (2 Timothy 1:7). To be "sound" is to investigate...to look further into a matter. Even with love, God gave us the ability to do that.
There are so many ways to love, isn't there? I don't know about you, but I don't love my mom like I love my brother. I don't love my best friend like I love my interceding partner. Sure, with all of my "love buildings", I try to keep the I Corinthians 13 foundation there (patient, kind, not jealous, rejoices in truth, endurance), but based on the purpose of the relationship, the expression of love varies...and it should.
I'm also a huge supporter of Gary Chapman's "Five Love Languages" theory; that there are five basic ways to express love: words of affirmation, physical touch, acts of service, gifts and quality time. For years---many, many years, I spent a lot of time giving people what I wanted rather than what they needed. For instance, I am a "words of affirmation/physical touch" kind of gal and so a Hallmark card and a hug is the equivalent of roses and jewelry to me. There are people in my past life that I would give cards to thinking that they would and/or should be as ecstatic in receiving it as I was giving it. They weren't. They needed love expressed to them differently. Sure, we loved each other, but I wasn't expressing my feelings to them in a way that was emotionally appropriate for them. I was loving them in the way that I thought was best; that would give me the kind of satisfaction I wanted. The Amplified Version of Philippians 2:3 says that we are to do NOTHING from factional motives, but in the true spirit of humility. I wonder how many times we've applied this to how we should love those around us.
Another scripture that I love as it relates to love, especially finding love, is the Amplified Version of James 4:2-3:
"You do not have, because you do not ask. [Or] you do ask [God for them] and yet fail to receive, because you ask with wrong purpose and evil, selfish motives. Your intention is [when you get what you desire] to spend it in sensual pleasures."
Sometimes rejection is God's protection, and this is where I will start delving into the whole "Why do nice guys finish last?" question.
The Wrong Kind of Lovin'
First off all, let me just say that there are also a ton of nice girls who have been asking themselves the exact same thing. That said, a couple of weeks ago, I checked out an indie film, "Loving Jezebel" (Hill Harper). I'm paraphrasing a point that was made, but I hope I get it right enough for you to receive the beauty within the message. The movie was about a "nice guy" who kept falling for crazy women. Towards the end of the film, Hill's character said, "I realize that all of these women were drawn to me because I loved the parts of them that were unlovable. Once they healed, they realized that they didn't need me anymore."
I can relate. As both the "doctor" and the "patient".
Now let me stop right here for a moment. First, mistakes and wisdom have taught me that many things are seasonal and oftentimes relationships do not serve the purpose that we would initially like for them to (Ecclesiastes 3). Sometimes, oftentimes, our example is what points people to Christ, the Master Healer. Proverbs 10:12 tells us that one of the purposes of love is to cover sin and so there are times when you will encounter people who don't need you romantically, but do need you to love on them. The Holy Spirit can help you discern the difference. (Luke 12:12)
With that said, if you are a nice guy (or girl) and you keep finding yourself getting into relationships with people who, according to you, mistreat you, the truth (John 8:32) is that there is not only one victimizer in the relationship. I don't care how "nice" you may consider yourself to be. If there is something within you that is drawn to the kinds of people that would constantly subject you to abuse, well, that makes you not so "nice"---especially to yourself. Two definitions of the word, "nice" are "pleasing" and "agreeable". The fact that you would want to please someone who constantly hurts you means that, for whatever the reason, there is some deep brokenness within you. (Psalm 147:3) As a matter of fact, the Word says something graphically grotesque about people who stay in non-productive cycles:
"As a dog returns to his own vomit, so a fool repeats his folly."---Proverbs 26:11 (NKJV)
Fool: a person who lacks judgment or sense; a person who has been tricked or deceived into appearing or acting silly or stupid; a weak-minded or idiotic person; to trick, deceive, or impose on; to jest; pretend; make believe.
Folly: a foolish action, practice, idea, etc.; a costly and foolish undertaking; unwise investment or expenditure; wickedness; wantonness; a costly undertaking having an absurd or ruinous outcome; lewdness; lasciviousness.
Folly Synonyms: absurdity, asininity, craziness, desipience, fatuity, foolery, foolishness, frivolity, idiocy, imprudence, inanity, indiscretion, indulgence, infatuation, levity, lunacy, madness, mistake, nonsense, revue, silliness, unwisdom, wantonness, whim.
(Ooo, I feel some shackles breaking even as I type this!)
Ouch! I know that hurts, but as my mother often says, "Surgery hurts, but it cures". I know as I find myself in various stages of recovery from various things, if there is one thing that God has brought me to, it's the realization and revelation that I can only control me. I must take accountability for me. And, I can't blame anyone else for the outcome of things if I don't want to, one, listen to/follow God as he leads (Ecclesiastes 2:26) and two, adhere to not only loving my neighbor, but loving them in a way that should reflect the love that I already have for myself (Mark 12:30-31).
Self-Deception
The Bible tells us that as a man thinks in his heart, so is he. (Proverbs 23:17) The Bible also says that the heart is deceitful. (Jeremiah 17:9) Something that I had to be really honest with myself about is that my relationships often were, and in many ways still are, a mirror reflection of what I thought/think about myself. If I was in relationships with people who took advantage of me, it was because somewhere inside of me, I thought I deserved it. If I was in relationships with people I had to chase and grovel to keep in my life, it was because somewhere inside of me, I thought I couldn't get anyone otherwise. If I was in relationships with people with people who treated me second rate, it was because somewhere inside of me, if I was bold enough to admit it, I thought of myself as second-best.
Far too often, rather than listening to what God, my father, thinks about me---that I am fearfully and wonderfully made (Psalm 139:14); that before the womb, I was called for greatness (Jeremiah 1:5), that he loves me with an everlasting love and draws me to him with lovingkindness (Jeremiah 31:3)---I would look to man to define me (sometimes it's still tempting---Galatians 5:17). The Bible tells us that foolishness of a man twists his way (Proverbs 19:3) and a man in his natural state cannot spiritually discern things in a way that is beneficial to him (I Corinthians 2:14). So, to enlist some man, over God, to edify me, that's not only counterproductive, but it's foolishness. And, when you're caught up in foolishness you tend to subject yourself to delusional circumstances.
The Message Version of Ecclesiastes 7:18 tells us that a man who fears God deals responsibly with ALL of reality; he looks on both sides of a matter. One definition of a "fool" is someone who gets caught up in make believe or taking on situations that will bring about an absurd (contrary to all reason or common sense) outcome. (Proverbs 3:21---Message) The Bible also tells us not to be unequally yoked with non-believers (2 Corinthians 6:14). I know that, unfortunately, far too often, we think of this in the terms of church affiliation and/or religion, but I believe that if you get into a relationship with someone who doesn't think of you as the father does, as a person who is fearfully and wonderfully made; as a person who is destined for greatness, as a person who is deserving of a healthy (healthy is key, ya'll) and everlasting kind of love, then you are "unequally yoked" because you are linking yourself up to someone who is not equal to the value that God sees in you. If you do, that's not their fault, that's yours. When you know who you are in Christ, you should know better than to do such a thing.
How Good Can She Be?
My female take on what the "nice guy author" said about women who are drawn to the cocky dude is that it's not so much because the nice guy is boring. It's because many women have a distorted sense of self worth. Many of us believe that if we can turn an arrogant man's head then we are in some way affirmed; that we are of value. Never mind that one of the seven things that God hates is arrogance (Proverbs 6:16). Never mind that according to the Message Version of Proverbs 13:10, arrogance stirs up (external and internal) discord. Never mind that "arrogant" is defined as "marked by or arising from a feeling or assumption of one's superiority toward others" (which sounds a lot like, uh, LUCIFER---Ezekiel 28) and that the Bible says that this kind of "wisdom" is earthly, sensual and demonic. (James 3:14-16). When you are not led by the Spirit but by the flesh it's only a matter of time before flesh will lead you to sin and sin will lead you to death (James 1:15). It doesn't just have to be an "afterlife" kind of death. Christ came to give us abundant life (John 10:10) on this earth right now and when you know to do good---to God, others and self---and don't do it, according to James 4:17, you can consider that a sin and sin eventually leads to death (extinction; destruction).
Good: morally excellent; virtuous; righteous; pious; right; proper; fit; genuine; not counterfeit; healthful; beneficial; free of distress or pain; comfortable.
Now, be real. When's the last time you ever thought of chasing after situations that are counterfeit, unhealthy or stressful as sinning? When's the last time you considered not treating yourself well as a sin? Look back over the scriptures. When you put yourself in a circumstance that causes you to question your own worthiness, you have committed a sin against your creator as well as yourself. A sin is a "transgression of divine law". Again, one of the greatest laws is to love your neighbor as yourself. (Mark 12:30-31)
So, one would have to question the fact that any time a woman puts herself in the position of not being esteemed as a "good thing" but a "bad guy", just how good can she really be? How right can she be? How genuine can she be? How healthy can she be? How righteous can she be? HOW BENEFICIAL (TO YOU) CAN SHE BE? And fellas, if you find yourself drawn to these kinds of women, how good can you be as well?
Nice is Not the Point
That's why I don't really fall for the whole "nice guys finish last" pity party. Just like society has gotten us to use the term "gay" in the place of homosexual so much that we have forgotten its original meaning (happy, merry, lively), I believe we have done the exact same thing with "nice". For many of us, we have substituted it with "punk", "weakling" or "doormat". And, you're right. NO WOMAN WANTS A PUNK (something or someone worthless or unimportant) and I don't believe God wants any woman to have one. But, I also don't find it to be the least bit coincidental that "nice" isn't a word that's abundantly used in the Bible in the first place. As a matter of fact, in the versions where I did find the word, it was used in reference to things more than people.
My point? Well, if you're a "nice guy" looking for a "good woman", why don't you spend some time looking for words that actually are in the Bible like virtuous woman (Proverbs 31) and "husband"? A husband is affectionate (I Corinthians 7:3). A husband is the head of his wife (Ephesians 5:23). A husband is to love his wife as Christ loved the Church AND GAVE HIS LIFE FOR IT (Ephesians 5:25). A husband is to love his wife as he loves his own body (Ephesians 5:28). A husband is not bitter towards his wife. (Colossians 3:19). And, a husband is to be understanding and give honor to his wife (I Peter 3:7).
If you're a "nice guy" in preparation for a wife, why don't you spend some time looking at how Jacob (Genesis 29) and Boaz (Ruth 2 &3) courted their wives? Any woman that doesn't find a man who will work for years to claim her heart or a man who will praise her in the city gates just for being who she is as a good man...trust me, she is someone you need to stay far, far away from. She is someone whose discernment is severely lacking. You can consult Solomon on how life with those kinds of women is like (I Kings 11).
Finishing Last
But more than anything, if you are a nice guy (or gal), if you are someone who truly is "virtuous and respectable", "kind and delightful", "of good character with a good reputation" (hmm, we may use that word too loosely after all), and you are wondering when you're queen (or king) will arrive, take the lead scripture today to heart.
You know, many times I have heard (and quoted) that many are called while few are chosen. When someone is "called", they are summoned; they are asked to do a particular activity or work. Oh, but when someone is "chosen", they are preferred, wanted and desired; they are "singled out in preference". (Love that!) I think sometimes we are so focused on being first that we assume that it is best.
Really? Adam was the FIRST man, but it was the LAST Adam that gave us life (I Corinthians 15:45). Even the lead scripture for today implies that coming in last can actually be a really great thing. When you are last you are "occurring or coming after all others, as in time, order, or place"; you are "most recent"; you are "being the only one remaining"; you are "final", "ultimate", and "definitive". When it comes to who God chooses for you, don't you want to be the last? Don't you want to be chosen? Don't you want someone who knows the difference between an arrogant man (or woman) of flesh and a godly man (or woman) of purpose?
See, the thing that I loved about the movie "Loving Jezebel", more than anything else, is the title. The screenwriter didn't say "Loving Women" in general, but a particular kind of woman. In the Bible, Jezebel was the wife of King Ahab (I Kings 18) and let's just say that she was a ride (and a reckless one at that). So much so that today, when a woman is called a "Jezebel", it is automatically assumed that she's evil, wicked, manipulative, opportunistic and shameless. A nice guy, a good guy, a respectable, kind, "of good character" kind of guy, he may initially find certain Jezebels physically attractive, but if he understands his worth, if he's pure in his motives, if he has committed to get a wife and not a "lay activity", she doesn't hold his attention; she doesn't break him. He won't subject himself to her abuse. He won't throw his strength her direction (Proverbs 5).
So with that said, what has all of this taught me? A truly nice guy finds it a privilege to finish last because while, to the world, it may appear to be a losing position (I Corinthians 3:19), he knows better.
He knows that he has purpose.
He knows that the right woman will see his worth and value.
He knows that he won't have to compete with anyone else for her affection.
He knows that last is the same as final.
And he knows that when God's involved, "final" is forever (Ecclesiastes 3:14).
Just as real love, the kind of love a truly nice guy deserves, should be.
So you're a nice guy? Good for you! Congratulations! Haste makes waste, so in the race to the love finish line, move out of the way so the jerks can pass you by. Pace yourself and remember that good things come to those who wait (I Corinthians 13:4). When you're good nothing worthwhile is withheld from you (Psalm 84:11)---even if it takes a little longer for you than others. Delay is not denial. Patience is preparation. Keep your eye on the prize.
Even if that means coming in last---and best.
©Shellie R. Warren/2008
rate
email
print
link to this page
