Got Geese? (short story)

First draft - feedback is welcome.

Well. What a mystery! The police came to my house today, can you imagine? Two of them. A nice looking young man - well, he would have been nice looking if he hadn't had his hair shaved so close to his head. But still, nice cheekbones, and dark blue eyes that reminded me of my Johnny's eyes. Johnny, he was my youngest, you know. Such a rascal. I don't know where he got that streak of mischief from. Always into something. Why, one time... oh well, never mind that. I was telling you about the policemen. The young one, he was so polite. Seemed like such a nice young man. And then there was the older one. A big man, that one. I can't imagine him ever catching anyone, if he had to chase a criminal, I mean. He would probably drop dead of a heart attack if it ever came to that. So serious, that one was. The young one, you could just tell he thought the whole thing was just hilarious. The other one, he was so serious about it you'd have thought someone was dead. A person, I mean, instead of a goose. And not even a real goose. I mean, come on! They were only decoys, after all.

It was about ten in the morning. I had slept in some, so I really hadn't got much done by that point. Finished my breakfast and was sitting out on the deck with my coffee. Watching the birds, you know. There are terns this year. They look like gulls only pointier. When they dive into the lake after a fish, they make a huge splash. Why, it sounds like a big ol' fish splashing out there, the way they used to before the water went down. Used to be so many carp out there you could sit out and see them. Johnny, he used to ask how many fish I wanted for dinner and away he'd go with his rod, out to the end of the dock and before long he'd be back with the fish. Not carp though; it was bass or pike he'd catch. Take next to no time at all. So, I'm watching the terns and the robins on the lawn and the red winged blackbirds that fly around in the bushes down at the water's edge and just enjoying my coffee and all of a sudden there is this big knock on the door. Not a friendly knock like someone's coming to visit and just didn't notice the doorbell. A firm knock, if you know what I mean. Someone that means business.

Charlie, he starts barking his fool head off, of course. He's not the brightest dog in the world, that one. Barking like nobody's business at the screen door, wanting me to let him into the house so that he can run through to the other door and see who is there. Wouldn't even occur to him that he's already outside and could just run around the other way. Good thing, anyway. I don't think they would have been too intimidated by him; he really is a wuss - but you just never know, do you. So anyway, I go and answer the door and there's this Mr. Big Cop looking oh so serious and Blue Eyes trying to look serious but there's a twinkle in his eye and just a hint of a dimple and you just knew he was going to burst out laughing any time.

"Mrs. Crane? There has been an incident in the area and we wondered if we might speak with you about it" Big Cop says. So serious! My goodness!

"An incident?" says I. "I don't know what I can tell you. I haven't seen or heard of anything out of the ordinary. What has happened? Is that why that yellow tape was up next door? Was someone hurt?"

"No, ma'am. Everyone is fine. But apparently persons unknown snuck into your neighbours' yard after dark and left decapitated geese."

"Geese?!" I asked. "Oh my goodness! How horrible! I mean, the geese are surely a pest, and I know they are constantly annoyed by them on their lawn over there. But who would do that to a poor defenseless goose?"

"Please don't be upset, Mrs. Crane," Big Cop said. "They weren't real geese. No real geese were harmed."

Poor Blue Eyes. He looked to be about ready to lose it. In fact, at about that point he made that noise - you know - the one you make when you are trying so hard not to laugh. Hmmmk! He had his hand over his mouth, and tried to make it look like he was just coughing. But I knew.  I offered them coffee; they didn't want any, but they did take a bottle of water each, and we went outside and sat on the deck. Well, Blue Eyes and I sat; the other guy didn't want the chair I brought out from the screened porch for him. Leaned on the railing instead, the fool. I was worried it would give way any minute, but it held. Thank goodness!

 I sit out on the deck in the evenings when the mosquitoes get bad. It's too bad that there are so many mosquitoes this year; I do so much prefer sitting outside - and the view of the sunsets is ever so much better without the plexiglass. I do have screens that fit but it is such a pain to change it all over that - oh never mind that....we were talking about the policemen and the geese.

So we were out on the deck and the big guy explained that someone had snuck over during the night and put a couple of decapitated geese covered with splashes of red paint in the neighbours' yard and made it look like a crime scene. So I asked if the yellow tape was part of that then, because I'd seen it there for several days now.

"No," says Big Cop...so serious. "They put the tape up themselves to try to keep the geese from coming onto their lawn. That was on Monday of this week. Then today, Thursday, they woke up to find the decapitated geese. Do you have a problem with geese, Mrs. Crane?"

"Me? Of course not!" I told him. The only ones around here that seem to have a problem with geese are the citiots."

Blue Eyes made that noise again. Obviously he knows the term; it seemed to be new to Big Cop. "Citiots?"

"You know, the people that come up here because it's beautiful. Of course, it's a beautiful area because of the trees and the flowers and the lake - and soon as they get here, they go nuts with their toys. Cut down all the trees, mow their lawns right down to the water.  Those two next door mow right into the water! He's got one of those whatever you call them - an ATV - that can go into the lake. Imagine what THAT does for the environment. I don't care how long they've lived here, they're citiots to be sure. Cutting right down to the water is the worst thing you can do for the lake. I don't cut mine below the deck. Didn't expect, when I started leaving the buffer zone, that it would ever get so big. The water in this bay used to come right up to that lower deck, believe it or not. Now it's so low, the buffer is as big as my lot, almost."

I'd have gone on and on - about how bad it is for the lake to have no buffer between the houses and the water, and how you can look at the shoreline and see that the cleared lots are eroding away and - well, all of that stuff. But Big Cop interrupted my rant with "The geese, Mrs. Crane?"

"Right. Well, the geese don't bother me at all. They don't like tall grass and so on - so my waterfront doesn't suit them. They swim by it on their way over to the golf course lawns, that's all. Well, except for nesting; they might nest in among the tall grass along the edge, I don't know. They do love mowed lawns, though. Just the right habitat for them. Even if I was silly enough to want to do all that extra work of mowing and so on, I wouldn't bother. Last thing I need is a lawn covered in goose poop. That's all they do, you know. Eat and poop. Right where they are. They don't take the poop with them when they leave, you know. Disgusting. Imagine that's why she goes out there with her broom chasing them away all the time. Citiot!"

"It sounds as though you don't much care for them, Mrs. Crane," Blue Eyes says.

"Feeling's mutual, I'm sure," says I. "It's a small town. Word travels. I know the lies she tells about poor Charlie here. Vicious, she says. My goodness! Her little dust-bunny - that's what my George calls those yappy little dogs; we neither of us care for them -  ran over here and attacked my Charlie who was on his leash at the time, even! And suddenly my dog is vicious and she's calling the bylaw officer at every turn. Imagine the nerve. She's even threatened to kill my dog. Of course, she didn't say it like that. She swore at me - the f-word, you know! After that, she and George got into it a few times. But that was years ago now. We've had nothing to do with each other since and - well, of course we still don't care for them. But I certainly hope you don't think that I would have anything at all to do with decapitating geese! I can't imagine anyone that would do such a thing!"

Neither of them said anything right away. Big Cop just watched me with that stern look of his, and Blue Eyes sort of smiled at me, so I went on. I do talk too much sometimes, I know. Anyway, I asked them what they wanted from me. "You don't think ...." Says I. "Oh - did she suggest that I would have done it? That silly old ..." Well, I won't say it, but you can probably guess what I'd liked to have called her. "Off her rocker, now," says I "Of course, I had nothing to do with it. Can't you just see me creeping down there in the middle of the night with only the fireflies for light? Eighty-four years old! By the time you get to this age, you leave the gallivanting in the wee hours to the young ones, you know. Like this guy here - he looks like the sort to get up to mischief of this sort, don't you think?"

"Hey!" says he. "Don't look at me! I'm innocent."

"Well, so am I." says I. "Honestly, when I saw the yellow tape go up I wondered what they were up to now. But it certainly never crossed my mind that it had anything at all to do with the geese. Why, they didn't ever pay it any mind at all, anyway. The geese, I mean. There was a great big flock of them making a mess there just yesterday afternoon. I'd liked to have taken a picture of them - could get right up close shots when they're up there, maybe - but I didn't even try because she was out there with her weed whacker. That's all they do on Wednesdays over there. Mow, and whack and run the sprinkler. Makes no never mind whether it's an odd or an even day; watering bans don't apply to those sort, of course. By-law officer is her niece or some such family relation, I heard - never comes around here unless it's to harass me and my Charlie.  Anyway, I'm curious now. Is it a crime to decapitate fake geese?" says I.

"Well, that's not really the part that's a crime," says Big Cop. "Someone going down there in the middle of the night and setting it up to look like a crime scene could be considered trespassing though. Or mischief."

"Yes, I suppose I can see how it might be considered mischief," says I. "But they rather started it by roping the whole waterfront off like a crime scene, don't you think? I don't know that I'd blame whoever did it a whit. The more I think about them finding decapitated geese down there all spread out like, the funnier it seems. I almost wish I had been the one to come up with it!"

"Do you have any idea who might have come up with such mischief?" Blue Eyes asked me.

"Not a clue," says I.

He winked at me when they left.

And I winked back.