Note: This is an entry in the Writing Wombat Slushpile Simulator Contest. I am posting it to maintain the author's anonymity. All rights to this content remain the author's as does all responsibility for the content.
Yeah yeah. We'll get to the Jar Jar Binks stuff! Can't you see I'm choking! Yeah, you! The reader. Who else do you think I would be talking to? Get over here and give me the Heimlich or whatever they call it! Spots growing in front of my eyes! Can't get a breath! Brain cells dying! Help me! This isn't New York. People don't stand around and let other people choke to death!
Oh thanks! Let me get my breath. What took you so--- No. No. Gratitude. You saved my life. Thank you! Okay Give me a couple of minutes. Okay. Glad you were hear. Not too often that you pick up a story and get to save the author's life. That would have been so humiliating. Choking to death on a goldfish. And not even a real goldfish, just one of those goldfish-shaped sort-of potato chips. What a way to go.
Could you get me a glass of water? I've got that kind of bile taste in my mouth. Thanks. You're not a bad reader, in spite of the fact that you almost let me choke to death. No. No. Gratitude. You saved my life. Thanks for the water. This tastes like real Evian. A lot of people refill those bottles with tap water after they empty them. I do.
So. What were we talking about. Oh yeah. Jar Jar Binks. Well back when the fictional worlds started leaking into the real one I realized that Jar Jar Binks was going to become real. When a character hits a certain level of recognition he can break out of the fictional world and into the real one. Of course we all know about Darth Vader. I can't believe they elected him governor of California. Of course Santa Claus and Tarzan were no-brainers. I here Tarzan is going to be a spokesman for the World Wildlife Fund. Look for ToysRUs to latch onto Santa. First tier characters like that had already become real. I knew that second-tier characters like Jar Jar and Benito Mussolini would be coming next.
I decided then and there that there wasn't enough room in this world for Jar Jar Binks and me. One of us was going to have to go, and me doing the figuring I figured he should do the going. I was here first, after all.
You want to pull up a chair? Where are my manners? Someone saves my life, even if they did take their own sweet time about it---No. No. Gratitude. Thank you again. Yeah. Pull up a chair. No. Not the green one. You don't want to know why, but don't sit in that one. Get one from the table? There. Isn't that more comfortable? Would you like a drink? A goldfish? Nah. Just kidding about the goldfish. I'm going to pitch them. There's cold pop in the refrigerator.
All settled? A little more comfortable? Okay. Well anyway, I'm committed to my little act of character assassination. Yes. Pun intended. Yes. You can groan. You did save my life after all—after standing around and almost letting me die—No. No. Gratitude. Feel free to groan.
So anyway, I waited and plotted his demise. I waited and I laid the groundwork. I hung around the clubs where the science fiction characters went. I got to be buds with Spock. I dated that hot chick from the first Star Wars movie. You know, the queen who dated the young Darth Vader even though he was like nine. Anyway she came across twenty-something and hot. That got me into a fistfight with Darth, but Spock came through for me in the pinch. Pinch. Get it? Yeah, you can groan again. You did save my life, too late to save a brain cell or two—No. Gratitude. Feel free to groan.
That was when Leonard Nimoy met Spock. Instant hatred.
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Comments: 18
I suspect these are planted errors.. all the same it behooves me to point them out.
'Glad you were hear' here?
'I here Tarzan is going to be a spokesman for the World Wildlife Fund.' hear?
Different, no idea what's going on or where this is headed, but it's all good. :-)
(The whole "gratitude" thing made me lmao..)
Im going to do. Right, nothing. HA!
This was great.
I am obviously the odd man out here, so rejoice in the fact that the rest of your commenters really like this.
Now here's the thing though. This is fun but it isn't something you could actually sell. The editor would laugh his butt off. Then he would say, "We'd have to get rights from half a dozen people or we'd risk getting sued or getting it thrown up in our faces if we have to sue somebody about using one of our author's characters. Not worth the effort. Next.
Wendy caught the errrors, but it's not too bad. The puns (the lowest form of humor on the earth) cracked me up. The premise is entertaining. Too bad Ben is probably right, because I'd love to read the whole thing! This is great!
Interesting premise.
Would like to know, however, how you intend to tell this story in second person. Unless you change POV somewhere, this would end up all telling and no showing, a simple recitation of events or the narrator's thoughts and feelings. I know it can be done and kudos to you if you carry it off. A truly ambitious undertaking.
I can only tell you that this wouldn't appeal to me if the entire book is written in this style and format.
I do rather like the idea of fictional characters walking around in real life.
I definitely yukked it up about Darth Vader becoming Governor of California. Perhaps a wee bit of social commentary here? Nicely done.
Good luck.
Liked the title, the POV doesn't work for me. Puns are funny, but I was tired of being yelled at with all the exclamation points, so I'd read maybe this much before I passed on it if I were an ed/agt. It is a clever idea - maybe if you change the POV, though I get you were going for Jar Jar's narration. But Jar Jar got old real quick in the movie. Points for imagination!
No. No. Gratitude. Is this a mental statement? If so then it needs to be italicized or something to distinguish itself from the spoken content.
Bizarre premise, but definitely interesting. This book could either be a cult favorite or die an unsavory death. The question is which one is it? Runaway or self-imploding disaster? I'd read on a bit more to see where it was going and the identity of the author