An Open Letter to the Telemarketing Industry

There is a reason I am on the Do Not Call list.  I only wish I could register all of my work numbers for the Do Not Call list as well. 

I run a little publishing company part time.  But during the day, I have the proverbial "real job" of being an executive administrative assistant.  That's corporate speak for "Office Mom."  But shoved in among my mostly enjoyable duties is the bane of my existence.  Answering the telephone.

Now it's not that I don't enjoy talking to people.  I'm not anti-social (would I be on Gather so much if I was?).  But what irks me is that half of the calls I get are from telemarketers.  Which in and of itself is not the problem.  Particularly since one of my duties is to control costs, I'm always happy to look for a better deal.  But the problem is that telemarketing companies just insult my intelligence and waste my time.

"Please hold for an important message..."

This is the automated message I hear about a half-dozen times a day.  Guess what, chumpy?  If it is THAT DAMN IMPORTANT, have a human being on the other end when I pick up the phone call.  I have four other lines ringing, do you really expect me to wait on the phone while you connect me to a telemarketer?  Do people actually sit there and WAIT ON YOU to get a human being on the other end?

I'm just increasingly annoyed by the rash of automated messages I get when I answer the phone.

"Hi!  President Bush has..."

I don't know how this message ends, but since it is obviously an automated voice on the other end, I hang up.  Somehow, I think if President Bush is doing anything I need to worry about, it will turn up on my Yahoo! News feed soon enough.  I don't need an automated machine to call me and waste my time.

(Sound of a blowhorn or ship horn) "This is your captain,..."

Again, I don't know HOW the rest of this ends, but the last thing I want to hear when I answer the phone at work is a loud BLOWHORN blowing in my ear. 

"Hi, can I speak to the person that handles..." or "Hi, can I speak to the President or CEO?"

Nothing screams "inept telemarketer making minimum wage" more than this opening line.  I mean, first, how many company presidents or CEOs are sitting around their offices waiting for a telemarketer to call them about office supplies or copier toner?  Second, when they aren't asking for the CEO, they are asking for someone that has no actual purchasing power.  "Can I speak to the person that handles your cleaning products?"  "What?" I reply.  "You want to talk to the janitor?"  Or "Can I speak to the person that handles your roofing repairs?"  I tell them to call the landlord, because we lease the building.

Another variant on this stupidity is when they ask for a position that doesn't exist.  This invariably leads to a drawn out, ridiculous line of questioning just to try to find out exactly what they want. 

"Can I speak with your General Manager?" 

"Well, we don't have anyone with that title.  What do you need so I can help you get to the right person?"

"Well, can I speak to the person that handles your warehouse?"

"Well, there are a few different departments in the warehouse.  What do you need so I can help you?"

"Well, can I speak to the person that handles the paper used in the warehouse?"

"You mean you want to talk about selling paper?  You don't need the warehouse.  I handle the paper orders."

"Oh, then can I speak to your supervisor?"

"regarding?"

"The paper used in your warehouse."

"So...you want to sell us paper?"

"No, we don't sell paper.  We lease printing equipment."

ACK!  I want to scream "THEN WHY ARE YOU ASKING ABOUT WHO HANDLES THE PAPER?"

*Bang head on keyboard.*

Another one that gets me is when they ask for people who no longer work here.  I fully believe that anyone who pretends they just had a conversation with a person who no longer works for me is fair game for my malicious amusement.

"Hello, can I speak to Scott?"

"I'm sorry.  Scott who?"

"Scott Sheppard."

"He's not here.  Can someone else help you?'

"Oh, I was returning his call.  Do you know when he'll be back?"

"WOW, your a bit late.  Scott hasn't worked here in five years."

...click...

The worst, however, are the scam artists. 

"Hi, I'm calling from MetroLogic.  Is your company still planning to move in the next six months?"

I get this call about ONCE A WEEK.  I have told them each time to remove us from their list.  We aren't moving.  We never had plans to move.  There is no plan.  When I ask for a manager, they hang up.  I even had one telemarker say to me "Well, we're just gonna KEEP ON CALLING" after I cursed her out.  I don't even think MetroLogic exists.  I think it is just a made-up name used to cover these idiots.

""Hi, this is Amy (or fill-in other name) from the LaserTech (or some other tech sounding name).  I'm just calling to update our records.  Can you verify the make and model of your copier?"

"I'm sorry, what company are you with?"

...click...

Now some of you may be confused.  Let me explain how this specific scam works.  A telemarketer calls and asks to "verify" the model of the copier.  A lot of people, not thinking, will rattle off Canon Blah-Blah or Konica Blah-Blah or whatever it is.  The telemarketer then says something like "OK, that matches our records, thank you.  And hangs up.

A week or two later, you get another call.  This time, it is someone else.  "Hi, I'm calling about your Canon Blah-Blah.  Just wanted to let you know Canon is raising the price of their toner next month, so we wanted to give our customers the chance to stock up at the current pricing.  You are using the X1234 cartridge and drum kit, right?

Now the trick here is, because the person KNOWS your make and model of the copier, many people assume it is someone from their regular vendor.  Particularly in big companies where employees are accustomed to centralized vendors who do in fact make these kind of calls.  So you say "Oh, sure, that sounds good" and tell them to send you two or three.

But this is NOT your normal vendor.  It's a scam company.  They send you the toner, alright.  And then they send you a bill.  The toner is never discounted.  In fact, it is probably more than you pay from your normal vendor.  Again, this scam depends on the corporate mentality of centralized billing.  The bill comes to the local office, and someone just forwards it down to accounting to pay it.  Since the local office sent the invoice down to be paid, it MUST be a valid invoice, and accounting just pays the bill.

You know what the worst part of the whole thing is?  The sales people who actually treat me with some respect and are honest with me often get our business. 

"Hi, my name is Bill. I'm with (insert name of company).  We handle shrink film and packaging materials.  Who in your company would I talk to about giving you a quote?"

Bill is going to get my help.  Bill is going to be given the names of the right people to talk to.  Maybe I even give Bill some advice on HOW to talk to these people.  Bill is going to be given the information he needs to get on our approved vendor list.  Bill, in short, is going to get his foot in the door instead of a slammed phone in his ear.

This is the thing, if you have a good service at good prices, you don't need to trick me into listening to you.  My job is to do what is in the best interest of my company.  If you can show me your company is in my company's best interest, you get my help.  Don't treat me like an idiot.  Don't play games with me.  Don't resort to gimmicks.  Just tell me who you are and what you want.  It will save us both a lot of time and trouble.