Humor For Today

A Department of Water representative stopped at a ranch in Texas and talked with an old rancher.  He told the rancher, 'I need to inspect your ranch for your water allocation.'
 
The old rancher said, 'Okay, but don't go in that field over there.'
 
The Water representative said, 'Sir, I have the authority of the Federal Government with me.  See this card? The card means I am allowed to go WHEREVER I WISH on any agricultural land.  No questions asked or answered.
Have I made myself clear? Do you understand?'
 
The old rancher nodded politely and went about his chores. 
 
Later, the old rancher heard loud screams and saw the Water Rep running for the fence and close behind was the rancher's bull. The bull was gaining on the Water Rep with every step. The Rep was clearlyterrified, so the old rancher immediately threw down his tools, ran to the fence and shouted
out...
 
'Your card!  Show him your card!

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Intelligent" Life

It was a celebratory mood with the boys at NASA; they had just made the scientific achievement of a lifetime.

As they were uncorking a bottle of champagne, Dr. Lowenstein, the head scientist at NASA, asked everyone to be quiet as he had received a congratulatory phone call from the President of the United States.

He picked up a special red phone, and spoke into it.

"Mr. President," said Dr. Lowenstein, grinning broadly, "after 12 years of hard research and billions of dollars spent, we have finally found intelligent life on Mars."

 

He listened for a second, and his smile gradually disappeared, replaced by a frown.

He said, "But that's impossible.. . ...we could never do it... ...yes sir, Mr. President," and hung up the phone. He addressed the crowd of scientists staring at him curiously.

"I have some bad news," he said, "the President said that now that we've found intelligent life on Mars... ...he wants us to try to find it in Congress."

 

A woman came home, screeching her car into the driveway, and ran into the house. She slammed the door and shouted at the top of her lungs, 'Honey, pack your bags. I won the l lottery!' The husband said , 'Oh my God! What should I pack,  beach stuff or mountain stuff?'   'Doesn't matter,' she said. 'Just get out.'