It's That Time Again...

Last year my kids entered some stuff in the fair. They each won a blue ribbon. Please see this article for more info:

Breaking News: Kids Win Despite Slacker Mom

Of course that means that this year they will fully expect to win blue ribbons and there is a very good chance that they will not and I will have heartbroken kids with crushed self-esteem who grow up to be serial killers. Oh, well. I tried.

The whole having kids enter stuff in the fair was more stressful than it sounds. There's the big, thick handbook with lots and lots of rules about every silly thing you can imagine to digest. I can read tax code published by the IRS and understand it more readily than I can understand some of the rules for fair exhibits.

There's the thousands of possible categories to enter. There's the form to fill out with what division, section, and classes you're entering. It gets confusing. There's a deadline for that form. This year that deadline is tomorrow. So I'm going to skip for now the part about actually getting the projects completed and turned in on time and focus on that form. I need help.

Now that I'm a seasoned pro, having children who entered stuff last year, it should be a piece of cake this year. And it would be if not for my dear mother.

She has decided that the fair will be a family project this year. She has decided that we all must enter projects in the fair. Me. My sister. All of us.

Okay, the deadline for this form is tomorrow. Tomorrow. I will hand deliver the forms because it's too late to mail them. My mother lives 70 miles away. My sister lives in another state. Fortunately, my sister is an adult woman who figured out how to get the handbook off their website and will be submitting her registration form online. Like a grown-up. My mother drove to Springfield and had me print the approximately 100 page handbook. I assume that I have to drive to Joplin today and pick up her form so that I can turn it in. No, I'm not kidding. It's not like I don't have plenty to worry about getting my own kid's forms ready. Or my own.

But I love my mother and I hope she wins a dozen blue ribbons so I'll quit complaining about that now. Besides, it's only going to get worse when it comes time to turn in all the completed projects.

Here's the trouble. I do not know what to enter. I was not previously aware of the fact that I am not good at anything. I only realized it yesterday as I pored over thousands of categories looking for something I'm capable of entering.

My mother is entering hand-crafted greeting cards in every category and a couple of scrapbook pages. My sister is entering scrapbook pages. Both my mom and sister are crafty people. They make stuff. They like making stuff. They have stuff to make stuff with. Their stuff does not look like a pre-schooler made it.

My mother said, "They have a writing section. You can just enter something you've already written."

Well, not really. The classes are poetry, short story, and short story to be read to a child. I don't write poetry. I don't even read poetry. I haven't written fiction since 5th grade. There are two theme essay categories: Life in the Ozarks and America the Beautiful. Neither one of those really sounds like my cup of tea either. There is no humor class. I'm screwn. My mother thinks I can just turn something I've written into fiction. Alrighty, then. Which one should I use? Flirting in the Condom Aisle with a Burning Itch or The Tampon Lady? You see my dilemma.

Moving on now. Let's just bake cookies. I'm good at that. I don't especially want to do it in late July but I'm good at it. But my mother wants us to each enter at least five categories. Let's just bake that chocolate cake that everyone always wants me to bake for their birthdays. I wonder how I'll get all this baking done while making sure the kids get their projects completed and making sure everyone gets their exhibitor tags affixed properly and the projects turned in at the right gate on the right day.

There is the Ozark Empire Fair Cookie Jar class: "Five different kinds of cookies made from a variety of doughs. Four cookies of each kind. Three cookies of each go into the jar, one cookie of each to go on paper plate for judging." That's five batches of cookies to be baked the day they have to be turned in. I don't think I can do that and do the Chocolate Layer Cake class too. Which should choose?

Then there's the What's in Your Crockpot special event. I so wanted to enter the Vomitous Bilge™ just for Ina. But I can't because it has to be completely from scratch and I don't think canned cream of mushroom soup counts as completely from scratch.

Then there's the special contest to develop a cookie recipe using black walnuts. The prize money on that one is really good. I should be able to play with my Russian Teacake recipe substituting black walnuts and upping the sugar a bit since they're a little more bitter than English walnuts. But where do I buy the black walnuts? I guess I could find them at a Farmer's Market. Maybe.

Please tell me what to do. Do I try to write something that I don't normally write? Do I bake?

I should mention that the classes Eric has decided to enter are going to be an absolute nightmare for mom (me) to coordinate. He is going to build a robot. And a model dinosaur. I will have to buy crap for him to do this with. It will be harder than he thinks. There will be tantrums and tears. I will not be able to help him.

Lexie is entering crap she isn't any good at. There will be tears. I suggested she might want to do something she's actually good at but what does Mom know.