My dear friend, who has a real name but will forever be Uchu to me, especially when I write negative articles about him on Gather, just made his way onto my ship* list. Uchu calls on Sunday mornings to tell me which channel is airing the Sunday morning worship that will most entertain me. In all these years, he never introduced me to Rexella and Jack Van Impe. I have to believe this means he does not love me since they are as entertaining as the bible cleanse guy I turned him on to.
Jack, a fossil billed as the walking bible, has memorized 14,000 bible quotes, which he uses--chapter and verse numbers included--in each sentence he speaks. His Barbie doll wife, born in 1932 and looking all of 12, reads news headlines to their ministry. Today's headlines prompted a chapter/verse reference from Jack that proves God does not think soldiers should have to stay in conditions that are smelly. I was not able to determine if the death threats that forced Jack to wear a bulletproof vest resulted in his annoying, Tourette-syndromish chapter/versing or her difficulty with pronunciation, so I will appreciate an update from anyone who purchases their video of her interviewing him about this difficult time in their lives.
Jack owes his unique spewing talent to his dedicated study (35,000 hours worth) of the bible flashcards his father left behind. Not only has this ability come in handy with his ministry, it assists him with those pesky door-knockers as evidenced in this statement on his website: "Members of cults who come unsuspectingly to his door have found themselves at a loss to cope with his plain presentation of bible truths."
The beauty of Jack's quoting is that, unlike other bible quoters, Jack does not directly quote the bible; he sprinkles relevant chapter/verse numbers in his regular conversations. This is fortunate for him since his other talent - predicting the second coming - has failed him. How could Uchu not think I would find this Sandy-21:7-tears-running-down-my-face hilarious?
Jack and Rexella assured me they are unlike typical rock star television evangelists. They travel coach, built their powerhouse through struggle, and do not waste God's money since the word of God is the only answer. I believe them, Sandy 54:13, since plastic surgeons frequently offer to sand out my wrinkles free of charge too. God save 'em! (Sorry, I heard that line so many times during my initiation that it will take a while to deprogram.)
So you don't think this was all in fun, I will share the important things I learned from the ministry this morning:
- Be not frightened Jesus is coming, Boogyman 66:99, soon. (Of course, this prediction has been made repeatedly and not happened yet, but is bound to someday.)
- Regarding the economy: "Pure" people, Clorox 22:8, see better times ahead. (Guess this explains why some people refuse to admit we are in trouble.)
- "Satan hates the Jew." Barbie doll 76:12
- "Jack feels sorry for these poor people." Rexella 34:26:34
- China says they have treasure bills that could bring America down to a second rate nation. Judgment is coming. White Wright 6:22:08
*I want self-righteous people, and Uchu, to read this so I can't flag it for adult content.
Per Wikipedia: In 2001, Jack Van Impe Ministries "won" the humorous/mock Ig Nobel Prize for astrophysics for its assertion that "black holes fulfill all the technical requirements to be the location of Hell."