Re-Potty Training 101

To the ladies of the Gather community and those beyond that are simply Gather voyeurs and won't step up to the plate and create an account, this is directed towards you! Men, you are excluded for the mere fact that you are, in actuality, a lost cause. No amount of teaching . . . correction . . . pleading with you will ever get you to put the seat down so that we might not wake up in the middle of the night and plummet butt first into a cool pool of acidic urine or stop you and your guy friends from playing such childish games as "Fireman," "Battleship," or "Star Wars Light Sabers" with your jet stream. Thus, I cannot address this article to you. However, there is still hope with the women out there!

On a recent excursion to the local movie theatre, I had the misfortune of consuming a large cherry cola. After the viewing, I made the urgent dash to the nearest restroom only to be confronted with 9-10 stalls . . . all of which contained commodes covered in tinkle . . . or worse! This particular incident was unfortunately not my first encounter with the dreaded sprinkles; however, it prompted the necessity of conducting this article! I feel that it is my duty to re-educate everyone of the proper use of a public facility so that everyone might be able to pee in harmony!

First and foremost, your butt is not contagious! Unless you have a lesion on one of your cheeks, you will not catch anything from copping a squat! I have never heard of a plague originating from someone actually sitting on a toilet seat and contracting any sort of butt disease. Granted, if someone happened to rub their bits along the seat and then you happened to follow suit, THEN there is a possibility of catching a disease! However, most viruses cannot survive outside a moist environment (i.e. your body), so you're safe. I can assure you, there is absolutely no need to hover over the toy-boy. In fact, you are more likely to develop a urinary tract infection than a non-hoverer. Hovering does not allow you to relax which reduces the chance that you are going to pass all the urine which then develops bacteria and so on and so forth. If you are still toilet seat phobic, here's a genius idea . . . cover the seat! Most public restrooms, if you scan behind the seat along the wall beforehand, offer seat covers these days just for you! All you have to do is carefully remove one (more than one is just a little excessive) and cover the bowl. There is a circular cutout and a portion that you place within the water. This handy dandy feature was invented for the convenience of flushability. Once the toilet is flushed, the current will grasp this and drag the entire cover down the drain. They are biodegradable too if that may be a concern! In the instance that a butt cover is not readily available, toilet paper constitutes as a valuable substitute. Simply cover the entire seat and enjoy! But please . . . be considerate and flush the contents afterwards!!! Using this method of seat coverage will greatly reduce your risk of contracting the deadly butt virus (if that is still even a concern) and sprinkling your personal waste on the seat for the next visitor!

Next up . . . your monthly visitor. Proper disposal of feminine napkins and tampons does NOT mean throwing them on the floor or . . . .so you think you're funny . . . sticking them to the stall door. Actual people have to clean those restrooms contrary to popular belief. Your goods don't magically disintegrate. Also . . . feminine napkins are NOT flushable! You.Will.Clog.The.Toilet. Tampons yes. Except if you purchase the plastic applicators. The contents of the applicator is flushable, however, the plastic bit is not. Am I confusing you? To be on the safe side, I suggest buying the flushable cardboard kind just to be sure. Feminine napkin users rejoice! Trashcans are just a stone's throw away! Most companies consider proper disposal a key part of running a hygienic facility, thus, they generally install a small unit right in that stall you are using! Disposing of one is simple as well! Simply wrap (a common courtesy in case the can tips and someone has to pick up the contents in the future) the used one in toilet paper or the wrapper of the new one, and throw away. Hard right?! If for some reason, you are cursed with the misfortune of not having one in your particular stall, don't fret. It is perfectly acceptable to dispose of the contents in the trash that might be up at the front of the restroom. Don't be shy. You are in the girl's room after all . . . Everyone's been there and done that. Just wrap it as usual and throw away.

Now we will discuss the usage of the little silver thingy (or in some thrown rooms it might be white or cream) that is on the back of the toilet. It's called a lever. In laymen's terms . . . a flusher. Use it. After the job is done, pull down on the lever and magically the nastiness will go away! Astonishing!

I'm sure it's happened to all of us at least once in our lifetime, the overflow. Instead of ignoring the situation and leaving it for the next visitor to discover and vomit, locating a custodial attendant or manager is the way to go! That way, the mess will be cleaned up and disinfected immediately and the problem will not get worse.

Hygiene . . . Has anyone heard of this concept? Water+Soap+Vigorous Rubbing=CLEAN! I cannot tell you how many times I will be up at the wash basin and see a woman that has just visited the facility, come out and check her makeup in the mirror or fluff her hair, and then walk out . . .  Not only do I have to control my gagging reflexes (cause I know what she was doing in there) but I also feel that it is my civic duty to inform the villagers of this ogre's disgusting behavior! But I digress . . . Washing your hands afterwards is a great way to not spread germs that you might have come in contact with in the process, whether it be from the stall door handle or toy-boy lever. I am also conscientious of not touching the exit door handle as I leave . . . just in case. Using a paper towel (if one is not available a shirt tail will suffice) as I exit. It helps with the germaphobia.

Thank you for humoring this mild rant! And hopefully . . . some woman out there will have learned something today!