by Holly G.
Member since:
December 18, 2006

Need Advice

June 18, 2008 10:26 AM UTC
views: 0 | comments: 43

Alright, I am leaving my boyfriend. I am planning on moving back to Illinois. My boyfriend is a jackass, he's not a nice person, and we have been together four years, and it's been dragging on for awhile now.

I am afraid tha he will destroy all my belongings, and probably try to hurt me. We live together, and I have A LOT of things that need to be packed. There's no way I can do it while he's at work. I tried leaving before, and he told me tat I wasn't taking my stuff if I left.

The cops around here are jerks. I was talking to friends and family, and they say, just call the cops. I really don't think the cops are going to hang around while I am packing my things. It's going to take a few days. The house is owned by HIS parents.

Any ideas, suggestions, anyone have to do this before? I am worried, he gets crazy.

Comments: 43

Beth J. Jun 18, 2008, 10:28am UTC
Holly..I will be praying that things go smooth for you with the move.
Holly G. Jun 18, 2008, 10:32am UTC
Thank you Beth!
Elizabeth H. Jun 18, 2008, 10:38am UTC
Holly, it's just stuff. Take what is most important and leave the rest. Leave what can be replaced. Been there, done that. Most men just talk big to scare you. But get away from him safely.
Rainbo O. Jun 18, 2008, 10:39am UTC
What is more important you or your stuff?
Holly G. Jun 18, 2008, 10:43am UTC
yeah, you guys are right...There are only a few things that I really need, bed, my kid, my dog, and some clothing. Tamara, I will look into the domestic violence shelter, good idea. I am sure they would help. My brother is coming to help me as well. I just talked to him.
Erin P. Jun 18, 2008, 11:00am UTC
First: talk to an attorney, preferably one that handles domestic disputes, and let them know what is happening (retain one, if need be). Someone needs to be on your side if you don't have any family there.

Second: Become more comfortable with the fact that stuff is just stuff and that you won't be taking all of it. Decide in your mind what you can get out of there in a matter of hours and what you can leave. Again, stuff is just stuff ... it's unimportant in comparison to your well-being.

Third: If you can't fit it in your car, then make arrangements to get a moving van or rent a minivan. As soon as he leaves for work, load it up and pull out of there. Leave no trace of where you'll be going. Tell your friends that you'll call them when you get to your destination to keep them safe from him. The only ones that need to know where you are and where you're going are family members taht don't live within an easy distance of his abuse.
Donna Hammett-Tooker Jun 18, 2008, 11:04am UTC
Do you have funds for renting a storage space? Could you pack a box or two a day and take it there? Do you have a friend he won't hassle to see what you have taken if you take a box or two a day there? Pick out what you absolutely have to have and pack it, put it in a locker at the bus station or somewhere you can rent for a time. And you should let the police know what you are doing, if the question comes up that something is missing from the house that he and his parents feel are an integral part of the house - window coverings, lamps, rugs, wall hangings, pictures on walls, bookshelves, etc. unless you can prove you brought them in and they are yours by right. It will not be easy or nice - breaking up even when it is over never is.
Priscilla (wishing I was in Costa Rica) ~. Jun 18, 2008, 11:07am UTC
I would just rent a Uhaul, or whatever you can rent...maybe a pull-behind or something & load up what you can, with a friend or two that you can truly trust, and load up what you can while he is at work. Everything else, just leave itl
Mary McCartt Jun 18, 2008, 11:13am UTC
Good for you for looking for a better life. Your brother being there is good as well as the advice the others gave you. I will be thinking of you. Keep well.
Karen W. Jun 18, 2008, 11:28am UTC
Stuff is stuff. Grab what you can and leave the rest.
You will be happier with out him any way.
Getting a restraining order would only be a pain in the a$@
Good luck to you and please be safe.
Rose Hill Jun 18, 2008, 12:02pm UTC
Be smart and organized, make a list of what you want and need. Get everything ready to go or if possible, place in storage or at a friends house.
Wait for your brother to arrive and pack as quicly as you can, stay calm, be prepared to call the police if you have to.

Don't worry about your things that might be left behind, it is all replaceable. Your kid and you leaving and living a good life again is all that matters.

Only you know how dangerous this guy really is, some are puffed up jerks and can be easily diffused, others can and will kill you - so keep your child out of harms way - regardless!
If you think you need help, talk to the domestic abuse people and find out, what if any help and suggestions you can get from them.

By all means, if there might be a problem with him following you, make good plans ahead of time and don't involve your family any more than you have to - it could be dangerous.

Get a P.O. box for your mail and do what you can to keep this from escalating any further.
**AngelEyez** a. Jun 18, 2008, 12:40pm UTC
those are all material items,I myself went through what your going through and when I had went to get my stuff I grabbed it with a friend and his sister,while he was not home,I took what I could and never went back.. now a few months later we talked and things were ok,but he was very abusive to me and mean,, so I knew after 4 years of this I had to get out before I didnt make it out.. you can also have the cops there if your scared then ask them ahead of time,it dont hurt to ask most cops will do it..


Good luck and stay safe
Jerri H. Jun 18, 2008, 1:17pm UTC
Holly, I would go to the courthouse and file a restraining order and ask for protection while you remove your valuables. All the advice above is great...best thing to do is keep a level head and get help from friends and family...you would be amazed how many would come out of the woodwork to help you escape and it can be done pretty quickly when there is a bunch of help. Good luck and Godspeed~
amy s. Jun 18, 2008, 1:49pm UTC
if he really is that abusive and will not let you leave than with all means before you get hurt call hawc (help for abuse woman and children) they will help you gather your stuff and help you move to safety away from him. I would look up the number through the phone book and if you do not see it there than call the local homeless shelter if they still can not help you than call 911. It is the only sure fire way to be sure that you will be safe and secure from his fighting
Kimber L. Jun 18, 2008, 2:50pm UTC
Holly, I too have experienced a terrible situation such as this one. I ended up going to a battered women's shelter. I took virtually nothing with me! They got an advocate who helped me get a restraining order and the judge ordered him off the property during the times I was retrieving my stuff WITH a police escort. I still didn't take everything but with my famillies help i got a lot of it!

My suggestion to you is maybe find people who can help you for one day, rent a nearby storage unit and have them help you transport your stuff there until you are ready to move it. If the police are being jerks call a local battered women's shelter or the national hotline, and request an advocate or someone to be there with you. Good luck to yoU!
Adelaide M. Jun 18, 2008, 4:39pm UTC
First of all, congratulations on deciding on leaving, that's the first step. The rest is just belongings. I would pack things he won't notice first, like winter clothes and things that mean a lot to you that you can't leave behind. I like the previous person's idea, is there anyone around that can help you? Even for just a day? I would also ask the battered womens shelter if there is any place they can give you to put your stuff, while you get it out slowly so you can get as much out as possible.
Whatever you do, keep in mind you are more valuable than your stuff. Get yourself out safely first. Good luck!
Beverly P. Jun 18, 2008, 4:59pm UTC
I agree, take only what you need. Call the police anyways and tell them that he is abusive and you are leaving but will need a sheriff's escort. Call any women's shelter around and see if they will help. If all else fails, don't put yourself and your daughter in jeopardy for things that can be replaced with time. If you can pack up most of what you need while he's gone, do that. Take pics before hand of all of your things and get any receipts you possibly can for them. Then if it comes down to it you can take him to court for any damages he causes. One outburst at court and he'll be in cuffs, giving you plenty of time to go back to the house and take the rest later! You're in my prayers.
Quirky Jessi Jun 18, 2008, 5:10pm UTC
If you have friends nearby, get a couple of them to come over to help you speed-pack/move. Pack up things that aren't noticeable and have them ready to go. Then when he leaves for work, you and your friends can grab the most important stuff first and get out as much as you can in case it comes down to him destroying everything else.
suey v. Jun 18, 2008, 6:41pm UTC
Take what is most important to you and go....It is just stuff!
Trudy P. Jun 18, 2008, 6:53pm UTC
Take what's important and leave the rest! Your safety is most important, just get the heck out of there! You can replace things.
Sharon P. Jun 18, 2008, 7:40pm UTC
Whatever else, you are what is important. It may be hard to leave things behind, but you yourself are what is important. Getting out in one piece is what you need to do.
Jan S. Jun 19, 2008, 12:50am UTC
I can't think of anything more, but please do take the good advice offered above and keep yourself safe!!
CRYSTAL C. Jun 19, 2008, 7:35am UTC
Holly, Ive been there before, The Best thing to do is pack up and leave while he is at work. That way there is no confrontation. Just take what you need and can't replace it's just stuff!! do it quick, faster the better, and don't tell to many people. sometimes the person you think you can trust is the one that will tell your boyfriend your leaving.
BEST OF LUCK! and you've got a friend here when you get to IL!
((huggs)) -cc
Holly G. Jun 19, 2008, 9:21am UTC
Thanks so much everyone. All the advice here is wonderful, and I am planning carefully my next moves! I have already taken to my mom's house things that can't be replaced, photos, things like that...things he would never notice. So far, so good.
A N. Jun 19, 2008, 12:18pm UTC
Has he changed? Smileycons!
Risa G. Jun 19, 2008, 4:44pm UTC
Leave what isn't important and get the heck out of dodge!
Mary Moss Jun 19, 2008, 7:42pm UTC
You've received some great advice here. I really don't anything to add. You will be in my prayers for safety and peace of mind.

Good for you for deciding to make such a bold move.
Cindy V. Jun 19, 2008, 8:44pm UTC
Save some money and hire a moving company to get your stuff when he is at work. They are really fast. The only other advice would be take what is really important to you and leave the rest. You are so far from home. I wish I could help.
Cindy V. Jun 19, 2008, 8:47pm UTC
If he's very abusive--be ready and leave as soon as he leaves for work. Start packing some small boxes and send them ahead to family.
Austin Cushing Jun 19, 2008, 10:59pm UTC
This comment is to let you know that this content has reached at least ten comments, and as such has been removed from Comment Speedway! Congratulations!
jeni e. Jul 2, 2008, 9:00am UTC
You say you have friends? Can these friends not help you pack? Pack a few things at a time and keep them at your friends house. There are things that you will have to leave behind and leaving with your life is the most important thing. You sound like you have no respect for the law...in time of need, these jerks may very well be what saves you. There are many hot lines to call and 911 goes a long way. If he is violent in any way, why have you not left him before? Staying is the easy thing to do, leaving is the hardest. He has no right to touch you in an agressive manner at all. Move in with a friend if you have too, if they are truly friends they will help you. In this difficult time it is hard for any family to take in another mouth but you cannot allow yourself to live like this. Life is too rewarding, and be afraid is not any way to live. Good luck my dear. I wish I could help you.
Selene N. Jul 5, 2008, 3:19pm UTC
I am so sorry to hear this. I don't have any good suggestions.
Selene N. Jul 5, 2008, 3:19pm UTC
I wish you the best.
I would take the most important things out a couple of boxes at a time in advance ...paperwork, photographs, "back of the closet" type of things he won't notice right off. A friend of mine in a similar situation actually packed all that type of stuff up over a period of a week and UPSed it to her mother in another state. Her husband never noticed.

Then I would plan to pack up whatever else I could in one day while he was at work and just drive away. (Knowing that I can't take everything.) If you have any cash available, you could hire a moving company to clear the place out in one day before he gets home.
Holly G. Jul 6, 2008, 11:39pm UTC
I am in the process of sending boxes up north now.
Richard Owl Mirror Jul 7, 2008, 5:46pm UTC
Hello Holly, I went through a similar situation so I can understand the stress you are under. My advice is to visit in person your local police department and speak with an officer besides those who wear uniforms. A detective who deals in domestic violence would be more than willing to send a squad car to oversee your taking your possessions. I've been there !
All you need to do is convince them your safety would be in question without an escort.

http://www.sarasotagov.com

861-7683
951-5100
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Donald Hawley Jul 7, 2008, 6:47pm UTC
There is some good advice for you above. But, for heaven's sake, does it take four years for you to find out that your boy friend is a "jerk?" And what is this business of "living with him?" Are you nuts... or just like every other idiotic juvenile mind that can't see their own nose in front of their face? Try growing up or you will just get yourself into the same predicament in the future. Any guy who will want to "live with you" without commitment is by definition a "jerk." But then, so are you, if you tolerate this b... s....!
spirit script Jul 9, 2008, 12:37am UTC
Hi Holly!
If you knew all the things I've had to leave behind from 2 failed marriages, you would cry. LOL But seriously, you're a smart cookie because you said you already removed things that can't be replaced. You're thinking clearly. All the other stuff can be replaced. As soon as you have all the things that can't be replaced out, there's only one irreplacable thing to take out: You! And yes, I understand about the cops. They don't help!

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