One of the best things about having a granddaughter who is still young enough to feel big when she stands on a chair to wash dishes is that while she feels big, she also talks big. Hannah Montana and I had it first give way to more important matters, whether she knows that or not, making the extra work of mopping up the river and secretly arranging the dishes so I'll know which to pull back out later for a second wash worth the effort.
During a recent dishwashing conversation, the dramatic chair-stander complained. "We use the dishwasher at our house so I can't have dishes for my chore. I just have baby chores." She reeled off her list of childish duties, shaking her head like her little heart might break.
I tried, unsuccessfully, to convince her that taking on responsibility is grown-up, and I was proud of her, even if she thought her chores were insignificant. In a tone that assured me that my opinion could not have been more unwelcome, she named the better chores assigned to her brother and sister. I knew it was not a good time to bring up pesky little facts, like they are older, and she is an accident waiting to happen so it's best that her chores don't involve breakables or taking more than three steps. Nor did I mention that I would bet my last dollar that she insisted she needed help with her jobs when it was time to do them.
Thinking I might encourage her to prove her worth by helping out with unassigned tasks, I started down my job list.
"Who cleans the bathroom?" I asked.
"Mommy and Daddy."
"How about dusting?"
"Mommy and Daddy."
"Laundry?"
"Mommy and Daddy."
"Cooks? Mows?"
"Mommy and Daddy."
This continued for some time before she changed her answer. "Daddy irons because he wears all of the wrinkly clothes and he irons better than Mommy."
Her daddy also braids hair and does pedicures. He attends their ballgames and practices; watches their karate and gymnastics classes; plays video, board, and yard games with them; drives them to visit friends, and helps with homework. Long after she stopped talking, I kept remembering.
I loved her daddy years before that day, and have always thought he was a great dad, but this took my appreciation for him over the top. After forgiving myself for not consciously understanding what this means to his family before, I realized nothing could please me more than knowing that my grandchildren live in an equal world without stereotypical gender roles, and that my daughter has a role other than housekeeper, cook, and caretaker in their home.
Once again, it is a gift-giving occasion and I have nothing to give that compares to what I have received. Happy Father's Day, Daughter's Husband, and thank you for being a gift to me.
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Comments: 45
(The son-in-law should know what a great mother-in-law he has. I tell him often.)
Regards,
Doyle I <~~~~~
You are both very lucky.
JP
I want everyone to know that I think this is the way it should be in every household. Just recently, I heard a girl say she would have to ask her husband if he would babysit before she could commit to something and realized it isn't. It disappoints me to hear a woman say that instead of, "I'll have to check to see if he has plans," assuming that it would be his responsibility to take care of his children if he didn't. And I still hear women complain all the time that they are 'expected' to do all of the housework, even if they work outside the home. I think most of the time they are the ones who expect it of themselves, though, and the men wouldn't care if it never got done. I'm just glad to see that my grandchildren aren't hearing these arguments.
I can also say that in the eighteen years they have been together, my daughter has never complained to me about her husband. I'm sure they have had disagreements, but none so big that she cried to me about them.
My husband does the hair-braiding around here too. I'm all thumbs when it comes to that. I'm sure there are many more things he does but your hair-braiding line jumped out at me.
My dh is the only one who irons here, and for the same reason your granddaughter names: he wears all the wrinkly clothes. The rest of us don't wear things that need to be ironed, and I intend to keep it that way.
My kids don't yet appreciate what a special father they have in Lee. Even though Lee's young, he had the kind of father who thought providing a paycheck and punishments "as required" was all that was required for fatherhood.
Fortunately, Lee is smarter than his father was.
As for Dads, my late great Dad made the best pancakes and biscuits I ever ate. He always washed his hands when he came in from the barn, but he didn't bother washing the potatoes. Instead, he shoveled a bunch out of the bin and shoveled them into the oven to bake in the wood stove. So we got our vitamins and then some.
Did you read the latest research about this? A study focused on gay couples to avoid the inherent gender bias, and found that sharing such work equally is one of the keys to a good domestic partnership. It appears that your son-in-law already knew this, however.
It also made me reflect on what a wonderful mother-in-law I have. I look forward to visiting her for our long literary, political and religion conversations. We don't agree on everything, or even most things political and religious, but she's willing to hear me out, and understands my positions without judging me by them. At 87, she's quite a lady.
Melissa, I spoke with my younger daughter a few minutes ago and told her how it made me sad when I saw the article requesting the best advice our fathers had given us. Her father died when she was six. The only thing she remembers learning from him was how to ride a bike. In some cases, we have to be the father we want our children to have. I wish I could send Brock a dose of my son-in-law, or the father figure he deserves, but trust that you can give him much of what you think he might be missing.
I really hope he reads this. It's got me choked up, and like Melissa, I raised our Dave (now Mark's and mine) for those first few years and my friend sent me a Father's Day card on Father's Day and a Mother's Day card on Mother's Day. I also had good friends that helped me, both male and female - and your famly sounds wonderful, but then, you are so how could they not be?
I want to borrow your grandaughter!
What a great friend, Marilyn. That's so sweet.
I sent him a link, and am hoping he has read this.
And just imagine how your granddaughter will remember those special dishwashing moments with her grandmother- it's the little things like that which remain so precious to us.
Sheryl, I think this one might remember cleaning the dining room chairs more than she will remember dishes. She loves to clean the rungs on the chairs, and I just love for her to do it because it's one of those jobs that might never get done if she didn't.
I think I understand the point Joseph is making. It takes both, the loving moments and the hard work to be a father, so why show the guy doing the easy part. I think I might also understand why they chose that image. Everyone ooohs and aaahhhhs over the image of a big strong man and a fragile child - think of all the hand-in-hand photos, so this is a sure attention getter. The fact that the size/strength difference draws this reaction sort of gives men an unfair advantage for something that they have no control over, so it's something worth thinking about. Thanks, Joseph. I wouldn't have thought about it if you hadn't left this comment.
My daughter (in law, tho we don't use that phrase in the family--just to OUTsiders) calls me every father's day to wish me happy, and to tell me thanks for my son. This year, she is preggers with my (future) grandson. My heart rips and flips over this. Life, sometimes, is so sweet it almost hurts.
My daughter married a man that I had adopted (as a boy) 10 years earlier. (Sounds like a Springer story, but it is not.) I love him, naturally, like one of my own. (There is a lot of, "Of course!" in my life.
Blessings, dear heart. This was a beaut write, and an all round lovely story. I'm glad you shared it with us.
Wilka
I sat at the ballpark tonight surrounded by fathers who are there for their children and thought the same thing, Pat. And they were not drinking beer, yelling insults at children, fighting with one another, or cussing the umpires like so many did when I was young.
Wilka, I love this: " Life, sometimes, is so sweet it almost hurts." How nice to hear someone say something like this. I'm glad you are happy with life and your family.