by Tara W.
Member since:
April 7, 2008

It hurts so much

June 13, 2008 11:39 AM UTC (Updated: June 13, 2008 12:12 PM UTC)
views: 0 | comments: 38

I can't stop thinking of what you did to me, to our family.

Why? Why did you do this? Why couldn't you stop? why couldn't you stay home?

I miss you so much today. I can't stop crying. i can't stop being mad. I will never forgive you.

I think back over the past 14 years and wonder if there were really any good times. I can't think of many. Other then our children.

My heart drops, my throat tightens, I shake all over and I feel sick to my stomach.

My eyes are forever red now. Will this pain ever go away? Will my life ever be "normal"?

I need you to tell me you love me. I need you to hold me and comfort me. I need you to call me to see how I'm doing. Will you though, i don't know.

I can't stay with you. You have betrayed me way to much now. I don't want to lose you though, I love you way to much.

What about our kids, they will just be 2 more to add to the thousands of others with broken families. I can't do that that to them. Were you thinking of them at the time? Don't know.

Are you really sorry? Are you still lieing to me? I hurt so much, I can't handle this anymore. I don't know what to do. I am tired of crying over someone that wasn't thinking of me. Only themselves.

I hate you for this. I HATE YOU!

Comments: 38

t b. Jun 13, 2008, 11:52am UTC
Well Tara, I suppose turnabout is fair play, because now you have made me cry.
I don't know how fresh this is in your lifeline, but mine left 8 years ago after cheating for all 21 yrs of our relationship while I begged and pleaded for more sex.

My lawyer said I would come to a point where all I would feel was indifference.
I did come to that point but I still hate him.
Sure felt good to stop loving him though. That came after 2yrs of crying.

I hope you are feeling better soon.
That hatred is a poison, trust me I know that first hand....
You know how to reach me if you want to talk about it.....t
ʚϊɞ Carol ʚϊɞ Jun 13, 2008, 12:03pm UTC
My heart goes out to you Tara. I wish you peace my friend.
Marilyn M. Jun 13, 2008, 12:04pm UTC
I'm sorry. My sister's husband cheated for 13 years (of 20) that we know about. Now he's mad at the whole family for not being more forgiving.
Tara W. Jun 13, 2008, 12:04pm UTC
just found out about it this last Sept. 21st. He only told me because she had gotten preg. in March and he thought she had lost it, but didn't. He tried talking her into not going after him for support, because he didnt want me knowing. But she pushed it anyway and got so mad at hom for not going back over to her house for more that now she is taking everything we have. I just got a letter in the mail from DFS staing that our youngest lost her medicaid because they found out he had the other 2 kids from her on his insurance. And we just lost our food stamps 2 days ago.
All of this started back in 2003 and went on until last year when she got preg. Which she did on purpose cause she thought that would make him leave me. Then she had the nerve to tell him "Well I don't know why she's pissed."
I know what I SHOULD do, but I don't know what I WANT to do. I am torn in so many pieces.
Tara W. Jun 13, 2008, 12:05pm UTC
Thank you Carol and Marilyn. I could use all the support I can get today. It is unbearable lately.
Tara W. Jun 13, 2008, 12:06pm UTC
I appreciate all of your ladies freindship and support.
Leigh M. Jun 13, 2008, 12:06pm UTC
hope you feel better soon
Samantha C. Jun 13, 2008, 12:09pm UTC
Sometimes ppl do selfish things. Why I don't know but you will find the strength to overcome what horrible things were done to you and your babies.
Tara W. Jun 13, 2008, 12:14pm UTC
Thank you. I don't understand..as far as she goes...how she could do this to another family. She knew he was married. Hell, shes know both of us as long as my husband and I have been married. She knew my oldest is disabiled. She knows I cant work because of my daughters extreme medical needs. Why is she doing this to us?
t b. Jun 13, 2008, 12:16pm UTC
You know, it wasn't so much what went on during the marriage as what I found out after it ended that almost ended ME. Mine led a double and usally triple life. He wasn't a good enough lover for one woman, but ah, everybody wants to "do" the boss. People wonder why I have so many male, and so few female friends. Women can be awful. My ex's girlfrieds treated me like I was the intruder. I was living in denial, and it had a dreadfully strong hold on me.

I am still haunted by what my subconsious puts me through at night, the memories, the putting of pieces together, even now when it really doesn't matter any more.
Please, if you get the chance, at least talk to someone at family services about what you are going through. I sure wish I had!
Tara W. Jun 13, 2008, 12:24pm UTC
what would they do for me? financially...they don't care about my children. They have already taken away everything from us except my oldest daughters insurance because she is on medical assistance for disabiled children. That is the only thing they CANT take away but they have tried to.
Tara W. Jun 13, 2008, 12:26pm UTC
his checks get garnished, and insurnace(even though she still has them on medicaid), we wont get any of our stim check because they say we owe it to her(so she'll get her 1200 plus most of our 1800) when here I am sitting with no car, almost out of food and no insurance my my youngest.
Tara W. Jun 13, 2008, 12:27pm UTC
I agree as far as the gender friends thing goes. Women can be down right evil. At least with me, you know what they want and thats all.
Tara W. Jun 13, 2008, 12:29pm UTC
our local dfs already knows all about it, thats why we have lost it all.
tb, I know I sound snappy..I know you understand what I'm going through. I'm sorry for being bitchy today if thats how I come off as.
ʚϊɞ Carol ʚϊɞ Jun 13, 2008, 12:35pm UTC
Tara, No need to apologize for how you feel. Keep talking. Maybe that will help in some small way. I wish there was something I could do for you and your children.
Valerie Roars Jun 13, 2008, 12:36pm UTC
so sorry, Tara
Tara W. Jun 13, 2008, 12:43pm UTC
Thanks Valerie.
Tara W. Jun 13, 2008, 12:46pm UTC
Carol, Thank you! I think this is what I need for today. It may not and probably wont help the whole situatuation but it will help for today.I dont have many to talk to about this mainly because I dont want my whole family knowing about it and I cant really talk to his family about it, well because its his family and they support anything he does. Which is gfreat that his family supports him but they dont offer me any advise or anything because then they would be going against him. They have all apologized for his bad choices and have all said he shouldnt have done it but then again....that doesnt help me.
Tara W. Jun 13, 2008, 12:48pm UTC
my husband just called me to see how I was doing, unfortuantly he was in a bad spot and didnt have very good reception on his cell so when I told him that our youngest lost her insurance...he replied but I couldnt get all of it cause he was cutting in and out. I asked him to repeat it but he wouldn't. He said he loved me. I dont think he understands how much reassuance I need right now with this. Men dont get it. They dont have all that emotion built up like women. They dont talk about things when they bother them like women. They dont cry at the drop of a hat during things like this like women. How do I get him to understand how I feel and what I need?
Katie H. Jun 13, 2008, 3:18pm UTC
Tara My phone is messed up again on the talking side have to go to the cell company in the morning, I am on messenger if you want to chat.. I love you girl, i am hear for you...
Tara W. Jun 13, 2008, 4:21pm UTC
k, meet you there.
~*~Danyale~*~ N. Jun 13, 2008, 4:24pm UTC
Stopping by to drop you some love to help you out before Triple Points Day is Over.... Happy Triple Points Day! I Love All Your Work, Pics, Vids, Articles... Thanx For Sharing! Sorry this isn't more personal but gotta lot to get done this afternoon with friends.. hope you understand. If You get the chance please help me some plz....
linda t. Jun 13, 2008, 6:34pm UTC
sorry
Tara W. Jun 13, 2008, 7:40pm UTC
Thank you ladies for the support you showed me this morning......tb, thank you the most!
~MotherGrizzly~ M. Jun 13, 2008, 8:37pm UTC
Tara, my heart goes out to you right now. I can relate to how raw and hurt you feel--I spent a long time feeling that way before meeting my husband. You will surprise yourself at how strong you can and will be. In the meantime, give yourself as much leeway as you can to feel whatever you are feeling.
Tara W. Jun 14, 2008, 8:33am UTC
Thank you Mamacat, I am better today.
Chelsea R. Jun 19, 2008, 3:07pm UTC
im sorry for how you are feeling, and i hope you begin to feel better soon! take care Tara! :)
A K. Jun 19, 2008, 3:29pm UTC
my heart goes out to you
Tara W. Jun 23, 2008, 10:14am UTC
Thank you everyone.
Cindy R. Jun 26, 2008, 4:23pm UTC
Don't give up Tara. Be strong for yourself and for the little ones.
Donna S. Jul 20, 2008, 5:21pm UTC
be strong
Kerrell Goolsby Jul 20, 2008, 9:12pm UTC
I agree with Donna.
evelyn jackson Aug 31, 2008, 12:01am UTC
so sorry atra i 'll be praying for you and you kids , God wiil helpyou to go through this he always does it .

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