How to be cool

There is a formula to popularity, particularly in elementary school. I learned this a long time ago in third grade. You see, my friend Kaylee took it upon herself to give me cool lessons because I was vastly less popular than she was and she didn't want to have to stop hanging out with me. I was such a charity case.

The first step to being popular was what you wore. Now, Kaylee was into brand names before most kids were old enough to know why you should care about brand names. The thing back then was to get everything at The Limited Too. Kaylee told me that quite often. Mostly, though, I remembering being jealous of a pair of white shorts she has with butterflies all over them.

Step two was also easy, you had to sit with the popular kids whenever you could. This meant that I spent all of recess standing around watching the boys play kickball and talking about how cute they were with Kaylee's other friends. I didn't think the boys were cute. I just wanted to run around and have some fun. Kaylee frowned on that. Such a spoil-sport.

I was happy that I wasn't in the same class as Kaylee or I would have spent all day with her in my ear talking about everything from how to hold my pencil to why or why not to raise my hand in class. I didn't really see her until lunch.

Lunch was the only other time that the classes would mingle together at Gwin Oaks Elementary. Kaylee walked straight up to me and pulled me ahead in line cutting in front of a lot of people. They didn't mind her doing it, but they were pretty upset that I came along with her. I'm all for having a good lunch but Kaylee had it down to a science. Chocolate mild, hamburger with ketchup and mustard, mixed vegetables, and a nutty buddy.

We sat with Kaylee's friends again, along with her boyfriend and his twin. I always wanted to ask her how she could tell them apart but I never did. Seems a shame I didn't, though, it probably would have scandalized her friends. Kaylee told me how to eat lunch and in what order. She told me not to eat the vegetables, but I did anyway. I liked them. I didn't care if that made me uncool.

The last step to being popular was actually two-fold. First, I had to get a boyfriend. Second, I had to have him do all of my homework for me always. I could get a boy to do my homework. That was easy. My friend Colton used to do my work in class for me. Kaylee told me he was the wrong person because he wasn't cool. I needed a COOL boyfriend.

Cool lessons only lasted for one day. I ignored every last bit of advice she gave me that day.

I'm pretty damn sure I did the right thing.