Outsource America Instead of Jobs

"The very best thing we could do is to outsource our government."


    The trend of exporting jobs during a time of considerable unemployment is a hot campaign issue. This is called "outsourcing," which is an economic term meaning "send the work somewhere with no unions, no OSHA, and no medical insurance." As usual, politicians in both parties have it wrong. Outsourcing per se is not a bad thing, except we're going about it the wrong way. We're exporting high paying jobs instead of America.

     You can't stop outsourcing; that would be like saying "stop growing" to a three-year old. Companies have a biological need to outsource, just as they have a biological need to beat up their competition and rip off customers. If we have to export work, why not chose jobs we don't want such as stressful ones. It's selfish to keep all the this-will-give-you-a heart-attack jobs to ourselves. America shouldn't have a lock on stress, we should spread it around. Several countries come to mind. I don't want to mention names but one of them loves snails and wine.

     We should also outsource jobs which can do the heavy lifting of selling democracy, that carry our culture to the rest of the world, work inculcated with American values: the spirit of liberty, the openness of freedom and the faking of sick days — a kind of guerrilla diplomacy. Why not? Regular diplomacy isn't working.

     The way to export democracy to the rest of the world is not to beat up totalitarian regimes and then make them have free elections. We tried this approach in Greece after WWII. The Allies (color them American), having liberated the home of Alexander and Aristotle, insisted there be a plebiscite; that Greece, which had a king before the war, should have a democracy after the war. The Greeks, good listeners to guys with guns, held the requested elections and 85% voted for the communists. The Allies reinstalled the monarchy and Secretary of State John Foster Dulles said he was amazed so many people could be misled.

     The jobs we're sending offshore right now are the ones we're good at: engineering, computer programming and making adult films. We should be outsourcing jobs we're not good at such as running our country.

A FUTURE SCENARIO: The entire working population of the United States is comprised of CEOs because it's the only job we haven't outsourced. A conversation ensues between a CEO and his attorney, currently a resident of Qatar.

CEO: "Companies don't mutiny!"

LAWYER: "Yeah, tell that to your 32,000 Pakistani employees who just burned the company logo and self-incorporated. Hell, they didn't even use a lawyer."

But the very best thing we could do is outsource our government.

     What are we protecting? Currently we have:

1) A process where the last two presidential elections fell off a truck just north of Palm Beach.

2) Politicians who leave office in midstream for their same-sex lovers, switch sides during political conventions and mispronounce 56% of known English words, all resulting in:

3) A terrified, paranoid populace, a budget in a very leaky bucket and a lot of GIs liberating a country and being thanked with mortars and car bombs.

     We can do better than ex-peanut farmers from Georgia, ex-oil men from Texas, and ex-wrestlers from Minnesota. Look at California; we outsourced the Governor's job to an Austrian action figure and are doing just fine, thank you.

     The mechanisms for appointing qualified foreigners are in place. I'm referring to the box on the ballot titled "Write-In." All we need is someone to set up a web site and list all the people we might vote for besides Democrats or Republicans. I'd use the software from one of the computer dating services like (I'm not making these names up): Pink Meets Blue, Silly Yak Allergy Dating, Koopid or, the name I think fits both politics and romance … NoMoreFrogs.com.

     Under this candidate matching strategy, we enter the characteristics that are important to us like intelligence, charisma, a loud voice, and good hair. Whrrrr goes the computer and a list of qualified candidates appears. We select one and write that person's name on the ballot. The only hard part of this process will be spelling names like Karonominsky, Abdullah eq-Waeri, and Bjrrgrrds.

     One minor detail: some states have laws about citizenship and residency requirements for political candidates. As our foreign diplomacy is achieving butkis, we could use our foreign embassies to set up "State" rooms — considered the sovereign soil of a particular state and rented out to political candidates to live there for 60 days preceding an election — similar to what Hillary Clinton did in New York.
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(For another take on outsourcing, read: Outsourcing non-work - another solution for the economy )

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