I wrote this piece this morning between 1:30 and 2:00, so I was extremely tired when I wrote it, so I wanted to know what you thought. It's the opening scene. Personally, I think it's a bit too all over the board and I'll end up editing it more as I continue, but I wanted to know what everyone else thought I could fix with it, and if it was actually a good way to open.
Untitled
The belief that every human life has a purpose, a great mening if you will, has been passed down by our forefathers for generations. Everyone lives for a reason. But, let me ask you this: What if that reason for living is really dying? Perhaps, then, we have no purpose in life. Perhaps the purpose we all seek really lies in death.
The lights dimmeed briefly as Bella paused from her writing to glance out the window. Just beyond the pane, Angel's Hair rained from the sky, dancing like silver serpents in the moonlight and laying to rest like cobwebs on the ground.
They say that when it rains Angel's Hair an earthbound spirit has finally broken the binds that have kept them from passing on. But they never say what it was that kept them here to begin with; they never mention the struggle each soul encounters in deciding where they belong. No, they never tell what a soul must go through to make Angel's Hair rain. More important, they never mention the spirit's purpose, and our purpose is what defines us all, is it not?
I have a purpose, too. It has lain dormant through time, as most do, but it wakes tonigh under watch of the moon--inspired by Angel's Hair and encouraged by the strength I summon just to hold this pen. It may not be a grand purpose--not all are--but a purpose can never lie unfulfilled if one expects to rest. And, perhaps, just perhaps, you fulfill your purpose tonight, too, just by reading this and believing the words that may seem so unbelievable. To believe in the impossible, I think, would be a great purpose to have. That way, what I have to say would not seem so unusual. That way, what I have to write would not be brushed aside so easily and with such little thought as if there was nothing to gain from it. That way, my purpose will live forever, and thus so will I even now when time feels so short. Even now, as the Angel's Hair rains, teh lights flicker, the moon cries, and one more purpose is lain to rest.
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Hmm...now that I type it, the ending of the chapter is kind of abrupt, too, I think. What do you think?
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Comments: 35
And I'm assuming the bits in italics is supposed to be what she was writing? You should make that a little more clear, maybe add a sentence in the second paragraph that she turns back to her writing.
Is it supposed to be the whole chapter? If it is, then it's a bit short for a chapter; it might be better as a prologue.
Yeah, I was thinking about that. It's definitely more of a prologue. I try to stray away from prologues, but I think this book really called for it.
The group: We Comment Back
You have asked for a critique, so there are a couple of things that stand out for me:
"...Angel's Hair rained from the sky, dancing like silver serpents in the moonlight and laying to rest like cobwebs on the ground..."
One too many similes here. It would work if there was a link between the two, but there isn't. I'd consider dropping one of them perhaps.
I would drop the "through time" after "It has lain dormant". Unneccesary qualification.
Your last paragraph repeats "purpose" a couple too many times. While I can see the reason behind the repitition, it could be tightened up a little. The para also runs on a little long to sustain interest.
That in itself is not a problem - far easier to edit down than bulk up. I personally always write long and get everything down before going through with a scalpel.
Like I say however, very good. Even more so when you consider it was written at 1.30 in the morning. I have trouble writing better in the light of day.
Well done Sammie.
Thanks for pointing out the others, too! I'll work on editing them. Thanks a ton.
So that might need some clarification or maybe I am the only one who hasn't heard of it. Due to that though, I thought it was taking place on another world. Either way, a very interesting start to something that I would read gladly.
Looking forward to reading more.
Thanks Chris/Amy.
Funny how our mind works at those hours of the days.. :)