by Rob Appell
Member since:
June 9, 2006

Putting My Best (And Only) Foot Forward

May 19, 2008 10:46 AM EDT
views: 215 | comments: 148
      Sometimes, progress goes only so far and you don't think there's any more in sight.  What do you do then?  You take a step back, or in my case, a hop, and reassess the situation.  Since my release from the hospital some six weeks ago after losing my right leg, I've been working my hardest trying to get back on my feet...err, foot...to the place I was at before this life-changing event took place.  I've shared my attempts, failures and successes on the long, hard road to recovery.  Since I can't do things the same way I used to; I've been alone, for the most part, in my struggle to overcome adversity.  Many here on Gather have expressed encouragement towards my plight.  Your words have given me strength to go on...and go on I must in order to survive.
      Such a life-altering event may be viewed as a tragedy by some.  I wasn't too pleased when I found out the surgeons were going to take a hacksaw to my lower limb.  Initially, there was hope they may be able to save my leg, but after a week and a couple initial surgeries; I was told there was nothing that could be done.  I had but two choices.  They couldn't do anything further.  If the situation remained as it was, my life would come to an end within a few months.  The gangrene would continue to spread and the infection would attack my internal organs literally eating me alive from the inside.  The only alternative would be to take my leg.  I might not be able to function as I once did and my life would go on, however, it would be much different than it used to be.  With me being here today; it's quite obvious I chose the latter and gave the doctors permission to hack away.
      Upon my release from the hospital while sitting home alone, the shock set in on what was I going to do.  I'm alone...no help...no hope.  My own little, personal, pity party started.  I was not only the guest of honor; I was also the only one in attendance.  Out of the blue, an invisble hand reached out to me...and smacked me right upside my head.  Was I to become a hermit and just sit there only to waste away within weeks...or was I going to stand up like a man and fight back?  I grabbed my crutches and the battle was on!  There are those who have it much worse off than I do and they've managed to go on.  I wasn't about to let them show me up.  Not only that, but it would also give me something to write about, otherwise, my posts would consist of, "I woke up, sat around and watched television all day, ate and went back to bed."  How tired would everyone have been reading that day after day until I was no longer around at all?
      That first step was the hardest...and I failed.  I retreated to my apartment in fear; scared to death that I wasn't going to be able to do this.  After a couple of days, I looked into the mirror and said to myself, "You wuss!"  Was I going to let life pass me by and miss out on all there's still left to experience?  Truth be told, I had to go on because I was afraid I might miss a trick.  I decided to just go for it and see what happened...and I was succesful on my next attempt.  That inspired me to go further.  I wanted to push myself to the limits to see what I could accomplish.  I walked; I devised ways to get things done around my home; I went on.  I've shared what I've been able to do and you've responded with congratulations.  I've continued until I hit what seemed like a stone wall.  I wanted things all too fast, but that's not the way it works.  It's not easy and you don't make it to the end of the line until the struggle is over...and it's far from over for me.
      Time to reassess the situation and discover what more can be done.  There are a few things I simply can't do alone.  Since there's no one here to lend me a hand; forget about those tasks and try to improve the ones at hand.  My personal hygiene was taking me a good hour or more.  Sure, I have nothing but time to kill, but I didn't want to spend that much of my day hanging out in a bathroom...sitting on the edge of the bathtub craning my neck to shave, sitting on the toilet to give myself a sponge bath, lowering my head into the sink to wash my hair.  Standing in front of the mirror staring, I noticed my boney butt; not that it was boney, but that it was at just the prefect level with the vanity.  I hoisted myself up onto the sink counter and there I sat.  I was at the right height to shave effortlessly with the running water right in front of me.  Maybe I could also wash up sitting there as well.  Then my gaze drifted off to the tub.  I sooooooo wanted a shower; something I hadn't been able to do in almost three months.  With only one leg and as slippery as bathtubs get when they're wet; I didn't want to fall and crack my head open.  I have an old fashioned claw footed tub with a shower and I wanted to feel that water cascading down over my body.  I decided to go for it.  I sat on the edge, swung my leg over the side and even though you don't notice any muscular definition in my arms; I was strong enough to place both hands on either side of the tub and lower myself down into it.  Between sitting and 'standing' on one knee; that water felt so good flowing down upon me...and I took a shower!  Mission accomplished and now, I had a new way to clean up.
      I know I've had a hard time accepting what's happened to me, but I've gotten over it.  This is the way things are and I just have to accept it.  With others; it hasn't been as easy.  Two acquaintances from back home came up to see how I was doing when I got back home from the hospital.  Even though I'm still the same person I was before my amputation, they had a hard time handling the fact that I look different on the outside.  Everyone comes around in their own time and it's a struggle for them as I haven't seen them again since their initial visit.  I feel bad they're having a difficult time dealing with it.  Maybe I'll see them again; maybe I won't.  I survived before they came into my life.  I'll survive if they're no longer there.  What bothered me the most was the fact that my best friend hadn't been over to see me in a month since he stopped by when I first arrived back home.  We still spoke daily by telephone or through computer messengers.  Seeing how he lives only half a dozen blocks away and knowing I was on my own; I figured he'd be around all the time.  That wasn't the case.  One day while we were talking, he mentioned how lonely he was with his partner just into his first day of being away for over a week.  I told Scott now he knows what I feel like being all by myself day after day with no one coming around.  That struck a cord with him and he asked if I wanted to go 'do coffee' down the street from where I live.  I jumped at the offer and he walked down to accompany me from my house as we strolled to the cafe.  From there, we dropped by a couple of the neighborhood stores to do a little shopping.  He was simply amazed at how well I was getting around and how much I had accomplished...on my own.  Upon parting, I told him not to be a stranger.  I was expecting to see him again soon.  The next night, after he had gone tanning, he dropped by my house and brought me a couple slices of pizza, as he knew I wasn't able to get groceries other than a few items at the convenience store across the street from where I live and was tired of eating the same things I had in the house all the time.  He assured me our friendship hadn't suffered and he accepts me just the way I am.  As a matter of fact, he noticed the different attitude I had.  I had a more positive outlook...and he liked that.  I seemed more vibrant and full of life.  Sometimes, it take a rude awakening to snap a person out of their rut.
      From that first time I succesfully made it out of my apartment building and went for a walk; I've been making it a point to go out every day; sometime two, even three times a day.  Today marks 40 days in a row I've gone out for a stroll...and the exercise has made my remaining leg even stronger, too.  It's added stamina and allowed me to push on and go further; go faster.  On that very first trip out, I walked across the street to the store to pick up a load of bread.  The round trip took me half an hour to complete from the time I left my apartment to the time I stepped back inside.  I'd walk a little and sit down to rest before I could continue on...walk a little more and take another break.  After 30 days, it now takes me only 15 minutes to complete that trip.  I've cut my travel time in half in just one month.  I'm able to make my way down the stairs from the third floor, cross the street, do my shopping and return home to go back up those flights of stairs...without taking a single break.
      Those stairs...those damn stairs...they're a killer.  I was able to get down them using my crutches, but going back up was what frightened me.  With my balance being off due to my missing leg; I used the 'butt method' to go back up.  I'd sit down and raise myself, step by step, sitting on my butt.  It didn't dawn on me how ridiculous I looked until someone saw my technique one day.  Did I want to end up with callused cheeks?  I wanted my butt to be hard, but not by means like that.  I decided to go for it and attempted to actually 'walk' up the stairs.  I put my foot on one step and lifted my crutches up to meet it...foot on the next step; lift my crutches to meet it.  One at a time, I cleared the first landing...16 steps in all.  Around the corner I went to the next flight and began to tackle that.  All the while I climbed, I kept telling myself to lean forward; I could do it counting the steps off as I ascended.  Nearing the top, I felt myself begin to wobble and had to let go of one crutch to grab the railing and steady myself...but I didn't fall.  All I could see was me tumbling backwards and landing at the bottom breaking my damn fool neck.  I did it, though.  I made it to the top...and that's where I lost my balance lurching forward and slamming into the wall, but I didn't fall.  I stood there laughing out loud as the girl whose outside wall I had fallen into came out to see if I was alright after she heard the noise of me hitting...and the swearing that came out of my mouth when I hit.  I'm okay...I just stumbled a little.  Now, I walk down AND back up those stairs.  No more butt bouncing for me.
      In the time I've been out of commission, my hair had gotten quite long, as I hadn't had it cut in over 6 months since I first arrived in my new city.  No offense meant, but I was starting to look like a lesbian with a mullet...not a good thing for a gay man.  I made an appointment with the salon I go to on the next block and off I went to get shorn like a sheep.  When my beautician saw me; she inquired about what had happened.  To make a long story short and save a long, down-out explanation to those I'm not close to; I fib and just tell them I was in a car accident.  It's easier that way.  Interspersed into our conversation while she clipped, I used some of my 'missing leg jokes' I've already shared here.  I had her and the other employees and customers in stitches with some of my stupidity.  I had them all rolling on the floor about to pee their pants when I came up with a new one.  If I were to get a pedicure there; would I be able to get it at half price since I only have one foot?  Beauty salon humor.  They thought that was an absolute hoot. 
      Another major accomplishment came when I was looking through the sale flier of the grocery store I go to.  Being unable to push a cart, as the wheels make it too risky for it getting away from me while on crutches and leaving me flat on my face on the floor...and because I can only carry a few items and not an entire trip's worth of groceries...I haven't been able to stock up on food since returning home.  I could no longer resist at least attempting to pick up a few things not available at the little store across the street from me.  Strawberries were on sale - one pound for $1.50.  No way was I passing my favorite fruit by...even if I was only able to pick up a few berries.  I had to have them.  I decided to hop on the bus with a stop right out in front of my building and head to the supermarket.  I was dropped off around the corner from the store's main entrance and headed straight to the produce aisle.  I picked up two pounds and figured I'd look around to see what else I could carry...things I had run out of and needed to restock:  sugar-free gelatin, sugar-free powdered soft drink mixes, spicy brown mustard and some corned beef for a few sandwiches.  It was a little heavy with the added weight on one side carrying the bag throwing my balance off a bit.  I can't use a backpack as that pulls me backwards with the weight.  I had to feel things out and learn my limitations when shopping.  After going through the check out line; I left to catch the bus back home.  I may end up having to run back and forth to the store several times a week, but the one good thing about losing a leg is that I get to ride for half fare now.  I get the round trip for one dollar and it's 'door-to-door' service with stops at my building and the market.
      It's a difficult thing to overcome what I'm going through, but I'm beginning to realize I can do it.  Maybe not everything, but many things.  What seemed like the end of the world has actually marked the beginning of a new life for me...an 'adventure' I never dreamed I would be on.  It's also made me stronger; physically, mentally and emotionally.  I'll continue to take those of you who want to accompany me on my trip down that road to when I get a new leg sometime in the not so distant future.  If I can do it; anyone who is facing obstacles can do it, too.  If something is in your way, I say run it down and keep right on going.  Life is too short and precious to let anything stop you from accomplishing your goals...no matter what they are!
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Comments: 148

Sue * May 19, 2008, 10:55am EDT
"he noticed the different attitude I had. I had a more positive outlook...and he liked that. I seemed more vibrant and full of life."

Told you so!

Maybe people will visit more often now that you can take a shower! You know I just sit here and smile at all you are doing...the bus will offer all sorts of freedom. Any word on the new leg?
Deborah McEnery May 19, 2008, 10:56am EDT
Way to go Rob! You are the bravest person I know. Do you still have your cat?
Matt O. May 19, 2008, 11:08am EDT
way to go rob... you're progess and + attitude has been inspirational. You're my new hero! My wife and I did the bridge walk here in San Diego yesterday. One of the participants was a man who had a prosthetic left leg. As he ran past us - I got to wondering how it was going for you. Thanks for the positive update... way to go !
John S. (arizona) May 19, 2008, 11:09am EDT
Sounds like you are doing pretty good Rob, glad to hear it. I was wondering if you had heard of a "shower chair" at all while reading and picturing you breaking your neck, ha. They should be available at any/some medical supply store, though you may find something else that works. It may make things easier/safer there, and we had gotten one for my mother that hated baths and wanted to shower still when she couldn't stand anymore. Rust proof, light but stable, adjustable height, etc. Just a thought.
I bet those stairs were a bit scary; third floor.... quite a workout no doubt!
Well, take care and thanks.
Ellie !. May 19, 2008, 11:14am EDT
You amaze me...I think I would still be the only guest at the pity party. It may not seem like it, but you have what it takes to be a success...no matter how many legs you use to get around. And, I say...INSIST on a half-price pedicure.
JoAnne D. May 19, 2008, 11:25am EDT
That is so very not nice of them to just leave you there all alone. At least you should qualify for a home health aide once a week. You have made some good progress though and I admire you for not giving up. I hope you will be doing more and more "normal" things that most of us take for granted and keep your chin up.
Rob Appell May 19, 2008, 11:27am EDT
Sue - Brat...on your shower comment. :-P I haven't been able to get to any of my doctors, including the prosthetic specialist, so the new leg is just as far off as it was when I left the hospital. Some of the doctors are not on bus lines and a bit too far away for me to walk even if I took a bus to their general area. I'm trying to arrange transportation through an agency here so I can get to appointments...and help with getting groceries, doing laundry and taking out the trash. It's such a pain. These groups are supposed to help out those in need, but the red tape makes it such a long, drawn-out process to get approved. In the meantime, I try to do what I can on my own.
Donald M. May 19, 2008, 11:27am EDT
I love your attitude. I had your address and was going to send a card but never got around to it. Just like your friend didnt come over until he got lonesome. I am truly sorry that you have had to spend so much time alone. I know what it feels like. I spend a lot of time alone too. No neighbors or store across the street.
Rob Appell May 19, 2008, 11:29am EDT
Deborah - I had to find my F.N. Kat a new home when I relocated. The building I moved into doesn't allow pets. I had to make that sacrifice to be able to get on with my life, but he has a good home with an elderly lady who was alone and wanted companionship and a kitty to cuddle, so I know he's doing fine. I miss him, especially now when he'd be my only company...and someone to comfort me on those days I'm feeling down.
Audrey F. May 19, 2008, 11:30am EDT
Rob, you are AMAZING!!! I've had different issues and obstacles along the way in my life, but I know that stone wall all too well. You blasted right through it with your sitting shower! There was a time some years ago when I had a lot of physical pain and took my showers sitting in the tub, too. I found them more satisfying than standing up in the shower because I could relax completely and just let that water cascade over me as if I were standing under a waterfall. I loved reading this article and seeing the clever ways you overcame each obstacle that came your way.
If you wore the backpack on the front of you, would it have the same destabilizing effect?
I am sorry you are still so alone with all this, but glad Scott and you finally talked a bit and he visited with you. I only wish I lived those few blocks away. I'm the type to come over to offer help on a daily basis. But you know there's something to be said for the experience you are having and the way you are negotiating it. Not that I want you to be alone all the time, but the way you are having to figure so many things out on your own is making you stronger and wiser. One day during a karate lesson, my Sensei said to me, "You have to look at things from all angles. You will discover many new possibilties that you hadn't seen before." You are doing exactly that. A problem comes up, you meditate on it, a solution comes to you and you implement it. You inspire me, Rob, and I'm sure I'm not the only one inspired and uplifted by your story.
Lots of love. :)
Donald M. May 19, 2008, 11:31am EDT
there isnt any home health services that can come help you with simple chores and shopping? In Texas they are unreliable but it does help to get the floors moped now and then plus some laundry taken care of.
This is Norma, of [donaldandnorma.gather] Donald is a big help, but cant be here 24/7 he has a big responsibility with the four acres to mow and keep up. He isnt well either.
Vivian P. May 19, 2008, 11:31am EDT
wonderful article and sounds like you are headed in the right direction.
my favorite saying is
Either lead, follow of get the hell out of the way
sounds like your a leading
Paula T. May 19, 2008, 11:32am EDT
What a string of victories! I bet those strawberries were some of the best you ever had. Your adaptations sound like such triumphs...I'm really proud of you, Rob. Get your non-slip strips for the bottom of the tub, and also for the floor near the vanity if that is tile. The shower chair might not be workable in your clawfoot tub. Some are just too curved at the bottom. See if any of your local grocery stores have ride-a-carts...my friend who had always been a Nordstrom kind of gal began to love Wal-Mart for the sense of freedom those carts gave her when she could no longer stand for long periods. Only problem then is buying more than you can tote and needing to cab it once in a while. Sending you good thoughts!
Rob Appell May 19, 2008, 11:32am EDT
Matt - People like the man that passed you inspire me, too. I may not ever run a marathon, but I know with a new leg, I'll be able to walk without crutches again some day. I recently saw a man with a prosthetic leg compete on American Gladiators. He didn't win, but he completed the Eliminator round...and the crowd cheered more for him than the guy who won. Also, just last week, the Olympic committee ruled a man with two prosthetic legs could compete in track events. There's always hope...and I'm going for it all the way.
Donald M. May 19, 2008, 11:35am EDT
Right now Donald had to go get food for us and the animals. plus oxygen for me to have on my trip to doctor tomorrow. We have to take two cartridges of it. Because we use four hours of it on the way to and fro, then the other two hours sitting in the lobby. We are out of air for me. By the time we get through and back to the country we have to stop by the medical supply store and get more cylinders for the next doctors visit. Believe me they are many.
Rob Appell May 19, 2008, 11:36am EDT
John - I'm aware of the shower chair...one of the things I'm hoping a support agency can help me with securing. Not being able to work and being on disability now, I don't have a lot of money to go out and buy one myself; not to mention there's no way I could manage to get something like that up to may apartment. In the meantime, I guess I'll just have to continue showering the way I've figured out until something better comes along. You got it right about those stairs, too. Even though I've managed to start climbing them now, every time I do so, I'm still shaking in my 'shoe'.
Rob Appell May 19, 2008, 11:39am EDT
Ellie - I think one of the main reasons I had to call off my pity party...I have no idea what one serves at them. And because of my little pedicure joke at the salon, my beautician said if I ever do want one; the first would be on the house. (Hope I can manage to get up on the roof for that freebie.)
Judith S. May 19, 2008, 11:41am EDT
Good to hear you are getting the basics, even if on a daily basis. Try taking the backpack with one can in it then increasing the weight until you get use to it. You will find you adapt quickly and will be able to haul a full one sooner than you think.
Good luck, I am pulling for you.
penni d. May 19, 2008, 11:41am EDT
I got a shower chair at a yard sale for 5 bucks, Rob...It weighs practicly nothing. have someone look around for you...(((PS>...your one foot looks delicious!! has anyone sucked your toes yet?)) :)
Rob Appell May 19, 2008, 11:42am EDT
JoAnne - I do have a nurse stop to check on me once a week...blood pressure, blood sugar levels, heart...but my nub is healing nicely and I really don't need her for much else. As I mentioned...all that red tape you've got to cut through is what's stopping assistance in other areas. As for 'friends' leaving me alone; I guess they really weren't good friends to begin with. I realize others have a hard time coping with me being different now and that's okay. In due time, they may come back around. the most important thing is that I didn't lose my best friend. He's the one that matters to me the most and I want him in my life forever no matter what.
Rob Appell May 19, 2008, 11:47am EDT
Donald - Thanks for thinking of me...it's the thought that counts. It kind of sucks having to spend so much time alone, but it does give me a chance to sit and think...of new and better ways to do things and how I can improve myself. Maybe this is just a small price I have to pay to become the best Rob I can be. Sorry you have to spend time alone, too, but I've learned through the many good people here; you never have to be alone on Gather. With all the kind words I've received from people like you, it lifts my spirits in knowing there are others out there who care...even if we've never met face to face.
Rob Appell May 19, 2008, 11:49am EDT
Vivian - I like your saying. I don't know if I'm all that much of a leader. Maybe I'm just leading to stay ahead of the pack so I don't get trampled on. And you don't know how many times I've wanted to tell someone to get the hell out of my way. The old Rob might have just come right out and said it. The new Rob simply steps aside, goes around them and keeps moving forward.
flit . May 19, 2008, 11:50am EDT
Ew! Toe sucking... definitely not my thing.

Glad for the update...and that you're doing so well... pays to be a stubborn not so old coot :)
flit . May 19, 2008, 11:50am EDT
Couldn't the nurse help in terms of getting things like a shower chair? They do that here.
David Rochester May 19, 2008, 11:54am EDT
Rob, you're a hero.
Rob Appell May 19, 2008, 11:59am EDT
Paula - I have to admit, I haven't won every battle, but I do have a track record where the victories far outnumber the defeats. (Oh, in my case, with only one leg, would that be 'defoot'?) I have a couple pair of socks (of which I only have to wear one at a time) from the hospital with those non-skid strips right on the bottom of them so I don't slide on my tile kitchen and bathroom floors. Also, the grocery store I go to doesn't have those motorized carts. Buying too many groceries not only poses the problem of how do I get everything home...a taxi will work...but how do I get everything upstairs to the third floor since I can only carry one small bag at a time. Multiple trips up and down will surely wear me out and I don't want anyone helping themselves while I'm in transition going up and down. (I also have a flight of stairs to climb just to get into the building and would have to leave everything outside.)
Lesli B. May 19, 2008, 12:01pm EDT
Congratulations on the stairs!!!! My daughter recently had an accident that put her on crutches. She was scared to death to go up our stairs. I told her all about you and your butt method. She quickly took to butting her way up the stairs. She is now also following your progress. As she gets ready to head off to college you are encouraging her to keep on keepin on.

Glad to hear Scott is coming around. Each person adjusts in their own time.

Bless your spirit and attitude!

Hugs!
Kimberly Ripley May 19, 2008, 12:04pm EDT
You continue to amaze and inspire me. I complain about stupid things, but I'm amply blessed with decent health and most of my faculties still intact. I should remind myself of that more often.

I'm not in the least bit prejudiced but must say I'm glad you visited the salon, because a lesbian with a mullet is not pretty........in the least!
Rob Appell May 19, 2008, 12:04pm EDT
Audrey - I'm sure I could handle walking with a backpack on my front. It's just climbing those blasted stairs. In having to lean forward (so I don't fall backwards) I'm afraid I'd end up splat on my face on the stairs from the weight in front. (I can't win for losing on some things.) And being alone has its benefits as well as its drawbacks. At least I can say I accomplished this on my own and didn't have to rely on anyone to hold and hand or do it for me. That gives me a sense of pride in itself. Loads of love right back atcha! :)
Vicky P. May 19, 2008, 12:06pm EDT
Oh Rob, I'm so glad to hear you are out and about. It gave my heart joy to read your post. Life has given you a curve ball, but you have managed to hit a home run. I sure hope the red tape gets unstuck for you soon. All my best to you.
Rob Appell May 19, 2008, 12:11pm EDT
Norma (of DonaldandNorma) - There is a volunteer agency here that will help out with some chores around the house...and even helping me shop and carry the food up to my apartment. Again, there's red tape to go through...not to mention finding a volunteer willing to help me. The agency has already told me they have no one for my neighborhood and they're trying to recruit someone. They thought they had found one to at least help me with my shopping, but that was almost two weeks ago...and she hasn't contacted me yet. That was the reason I had to try a trip to the store on my own. I may have to make multiple trips over the course of the week, but that's just one more thing I won't need anyone's assistance with. I feel like a little, old lady with my walker at home, too, but I have been able to sweep, mop and vacuum my own floors. (What I really need is someone to dust for me. No matter how many legs i have, that will always be my least favorite chore. I figure if I never move anything, no one will ever see the dust rings.)
C A. May 19, 2008, 12:12pm EDT
Rob - it is SO heartwarming to hear of each bit of progress you make. This may have been asked, and you may have answered already so forgive me, but are you going to be fitted with a prosthetic leg at some point in time?

God Bless, hon.
Cheryl W. May 19, 2008, 12:14pm EDT
I love reading your articles, Rob! Your approach to a difficult situation with both humor, reality, and grace is an inspiration to me always. I'm so happy you're getting out....:)
Rob Appell May 19, 2008, 12:15pm EDT
Judith - I worked with a backpack in physical therapy before I left the hospital. I agree, I can handle a couple items in it, but the heavier it became; the more it pulled me backwards and made me lose my balance. If I just had one level to walk on; it wouldn't be that far of a fall to the floor and I probably wouldn't get hurt if I toppled over. It's just those damn stairs. I don't look forward to taking a header and falling all the way to the bottom. Of course, just my luck, that wouldn't happen until I got one step away from the top. It's not the fall that bothers me as much as having to climb them all over again...LOL!
Rob Appell May 19, 2008, 12:20pm EDT
Penni - Being new to a new city still (having lived here only a few months before I was hospitalized), I only have one friend here...my best friend. Between commuting to his job and working, that takes up sometimes 14 hours of his day...not to mention his chores around his apartment and shopping for himself. He doesn't have a car and depends on public transportation, too. If I had an emergency, I know he'd be right there for me, but I can't expect him to put his life on hold to babysit me. (Though I've never had anyone suck on my toes for me, I have had a couple of offers. Too bad they don't live here and are hundreds of miles away. One good suck deserves another.)
Jack D. May 19, 2008, 12:21pm EDT
No, Rob. The proper term is "defoots" or "semi-unhoofed"!! LOL When I got my first chair, I had to start using muscles that I had already started to develop through weightlifting, but it developed, then superdeveloped a whole new set of muscles.

When I first stood back up into 'nosebleed country" I soon found out I had to REdevelop muscles that had atrophied during my 27 years being "bum-bound". I learned wall-walking, with a stout cane and a wall. Like you, stairs were a real challenge, and trusting two pieces of wood or metal and a handrail presented still another challenge. Once I beat that, I was off.

Now, I'm actually running again! But that's a whole 'nother story for a different time...
Rob Appell May 19, 2008, 12:26pm EDT
Flit - I just turned 40 a couple of weekends ago. In my 'social circles', that qualifies me as nursing home material. Once you hit 30, they consider you over the hill. 40...it's 'home' time. 50 - pick out a plot and a tombstone. I do have a drug store across the street I'm sure the nurse would go over to and pick up a shower chair. The main thing is funding out of my pocket and I know they don't come cheap. Again, red tape having something like that covered. Luckily, the head physical therapist called in a favor from a medical supply store she deals with all the time and they donated a walker and crutches to me ($275 worth of equipment), otherwise, I'd still be without them. Heck, with my insurance coverage; it took over a month to get things straightened out just so I could get the medications I needed...and I went all that time without being able to take anything.
Rob Appell May 19, 2008, 12:29pm EDT
David - I have to admire a man who has the same name as the city I live in. I'm a hero? Well, then where's my cape and superpowers? I pick flying, so I don't have to use these crutches any more...and I can just fly my groceries in through a window. LOL! I don't consider myself to be anything more than a guy just trying to get by doing the best I can.
Rob Appell May 19, 2008, 12:35pm EDT
Rev. - There by the grace of God go I. He's testing me to make me an even better person. I just hope I can live up to His standards. I tried to remain strong when things initially transpired, but finally fell apart once I got home and there was no one around. Believe me, the tears flowed and I didn't know how I was going on. Just sitting and thinking made me realize, once again, like in the hospital having to decide to keep the leg and die or lose it and live, I had to go on in order to stay alive. When you're backed into a corner with a decision like that to make; you'd be surprised how much strength you can conjure up.
Alison H. May 19, 2008, 12:42pm EDT
Thanks for sharing your inspiring story, Rob. You're a fighter, all right, and I love your sense of humor! Being a little bit cracked (or a lot) does get us through the tough moments.

In my community there are a few organizations that help out with medical equipment. You might check around, ask the fraternal organizations, if there's something you need that you can't afford.
Rob Appell May 19, 2008, 12:42pm EDT
Lesli - I'm so glad my story...and 'butt method' helped your daughter. It is what it is and does the trick until she's ready to try 'walking' up those stairs. The main thing when trying to 'walk' those stairs is be patient and don't try to go too fast. That last step will still be there whether it takes one minute or five...and the accomplishment she'll feel when she's finally standing on top will make her feel like she's standing on top of the world. Like the little train that could, have her just keep repeating to herself, "I know I can! I know I can!" Self-encouragement works...the first step has been taken and done. I'm halfway there. Only a couple more to go. I can do it. I'm there! This theory will also help her in college with her studies. Anything is possible.
Rob Appell May 19, 2008, 12:48pm EDT
Kimberly - I think we all complain and whine when things aren't going our way or we're up against something. I did myself, too, before I was faced with my current situation. Now, it makes everything in the past seem so minor and I have to call myself a big weenie for being a whiner. And if you think a lesbian with a mullet isn't a pretty sight; let me tell you, a guy who looks like a lesbian with a mullet is way less pretty. It was hideous on me! Now, it's all short and spiked and I look like I'm more modern and with the times.
Rob Appell May 19, 2008, 12:52pm EDT
Vicky - You know that old saying about lemons. I've kind of made my own version of it. When life gives you lemons, cut it up into wedges and use it as a garnish for your cocktails. Life may have thrown me a curve ball, but I threw a knuckle ball back. I'm rounding first base and heading towards second...and not only looking forward into turning this a home run, but a grand slam!
Rob Appell May 19, 2008, 12:58pm EDT
C.A. - As I've mentioned, there's lots of red tape to cut through in the way of insurance coverage...and that goes for coverage for me to get a prosthetic leg, too. There are plans for me to get one sometime in the future...at least that's what I want. I have started wearing a 'shrinker' that will form my nub smaller so it will fit down into the top of an artificial leg. I have a little more healing to go through, too, before I can even be fitted. I just need to get that coverage in place so I can pay for the prosthetic and all the therapy that will be involved to teach me how to walk with it. I think, in His own way, God has already blessed me. Now, I can free Him up to bless you and everyone else.
Donald M. May 19, 2008, 12:58pm EDT
Everyone on gather was rooting for you. I am sure your buddie Paula was, She is a fun gal. I really need to learn from you. Rather than sitting here most days having a pity party, all by myself. I have watched your comments and so sorry not to have talked to you before.
Rob Appell May 19, 2008, 1:00pm EDT
Cheryl - No matter what happens, if we can't laugh at ourself; somebody else will end up laughing at us...and I hate missing out on a good joke. I'm happy you're happy about me being happy.
Shelbia C. May 19, 2008, 1:02pm EDT
You are amazing. You seem to have a good handle on things. I am glad you are doing so well.
Rob Appell May 19, 2008, 1:08pm EDT
Jack - This is all new to me. I've never been one to exercise in my entire life other than lifting weights...12 ounces at a time. I'm finding muscles I never knew existed in the human body...and boy, do they hurt sometimes. Walking was about the only thing strenuous I ever did. I can't say some of those muscles ever atrophied because they had never been used before and weren't even developed. I, too, use walls a bit; not to walk with, but to steady myself when I feel as if I'm about to tip over...and not from drinking those twelve ouncers. I haven't had a cocktail in months now and it should prove to be interesting when I finally do. (I'll probably need a wheelchair when that does happen. I'll be a cheap date...one drink will do me in.) Congrats on your success, especially after so many years. No way could I ever run like you do. It would suck to go through all this work and drop dead of a heart attack I'll just sit back and cheer you on.
Mariana T. May 19, 2008, 1:11pm EDT
I admire you so much Rob. Salud.
Rob Appell May 19, 2008, 1:12pm EDT
Alison - Not only am I cracked; I'm also whacked and smacked. Being somewhat new to the city, I don't know of any of those organizations that help others out. It seems like all the ones I've run across so far are driven by money...something I don't have a lot of now with not being able to work. Even the volunteer organizations highly recommend you make a 'donation'...and then give you a price guideline they'd like you to follow.
t b. May 19, 2008, 1:12pm EDT
Another fine article Rob.
I am a big fan of baby steps.
And when things are really tough, two steps forward and one step back is STILL progress.
I am so proud of you for being brave enough to walk the stairs up.
I am not sure I could have found the courage!
Jennifer- Very lucky mommy S. May 19, 2008, 1:15pm EDT
very goo articel rob thanks for sharing
Mariana T. May 19, 2008, 1:16pm EDT
I wanted to be number 50 - hope I made it!! Rob, loved everything you wrote here and no one who has never lost a leg including me can understand what you are going through. I am proud of you for finding new innovative ways to shave, shower - etc. You really have made me think about things that I take for granted and I'm sure it's caused you to slow down quite a bit - which is not a bad thing - sometimes we all need to slow down and relax and move slower and be in the now instead of the tomorrow of our days. I would love to wheel you to a bar and have two cocktails with you - I'm buying and I'd love to see you relaxed and slightly anebriated - I can imagine how funny you would be - anyway, my friend, stay wonderful - nothing has changed - you just have one less foot to put in your mouth - ok ok sorry - hope you know I admire you very much and enjoy reading your stuff always. thinking of you. Salud.
Rob Appell May 19, 2008, 1:18pm EDT
Donald...or Norma...or both of you - I was absolutely astounded by the response I got from the good people of Gather...cards, letters, E-mails, care packages...lots of well wishes...even from complete strangers who I wasn't connected with and had never heard of before. The people from here are what kept me going some days. Paula was just one of many. I wish I could mention them all by name. that list would be quite lengthy and filled with literally hundreds of names. I got so much response while I was hospitalized, it even overpowered the hospital computer system and forced it to shut down on two separate occasions. And you wouldn't be learning anything from me you didn't already know yourself. All I might be is a simple catalyst that helped prod you to uncover your own strength you already possessed within.
necee t. May 19, 2008, 1:19pm EDT
hey Rob... you are an inspiration to many of us... i'm sooo glad you are making the best out of all this... God bless you my friend.... thanks for your comments...

love,

Glitter Graphics

Hello Glitter
Rob Appell May 19, 2008, 1:21pm EDT
Shelbia - I'm not really amazing. I'm just plain, old Rob doing what I have to do. I am doing much better than I was and will continue to try and keep my hand on that handle.
Rob Appell May 19, 2008, 1:25pm EDT
Monkey - You're not so evil...I can see through your facade. You're really one of those good monkeys hiding in my closet...and I wish you'd quit leaving dresses in there. People are going to start talking, especially since pink is soooooo not my color. (Would you happen to have something in black?) If I can do what I'm doing; anyone can do it. I was nothing more than an 'average person' before this happened to me...and I'm still nothing more than an 'average person'. Alright, let me take that back. I was far from 'average'. I was already abnormal. Now, I'm just trying to get back to the center of things.
Donald M. May 19, 2008, 1:26pm EDT
Oh Rob, I do like your attitude. The home health system here in Texas is paid for by the state. Not volunteer, but the pay isnt good enough to even furnish the providers as they are called with gasoline to get here. Unless I lived next door. But like you said, paid or not the companies get their money and about once a month, instead of once daily they send someone to not lose their liscense. Yep it stinks here too, the system.
Rob Appell May 19, 2008, 1:27pm EDT
Mariana - Admiring me from afar...LOL! I also admire you and the things you do, too...like helping out and loving that little, old lady next door. Don't think I haven't noticed your goodness, too, lady!
vickey w May 19, 2008, 1:29pm EDT
I am so glad that you are giving us an update on how you are doing... I am glad that you chose to overcome this and move on with your life...You are an example for all of us...there is inspiration in your articles... So thanks Rob, but be careful on those stairs...
Donald M. May 19, 2008, 1:31pm EDT
Actually the doctor has to order the kind of help I have. But at 63 I am also kinda under the aging and disability. I wil quit aggrivating you and get on with my emails. Just wanted to introduce myself. I need to go post my cafe.
Rob Appell May 19, 2008, 1:34pm EDT
T.B. - I agree with those baby steps. You have to learn how to crawl before you can walk, but I'd look pretty funny in diapers down on all threes (no fours with me anymore). I keep trying to take two steps forward and have been lucky enough not to have too many steps back. And you'd be surprised how much courage a person can muster up when they have to find the strength and have no other alternative.
Rob Appell May 19, 2008, 1:35pm EDT
Jennifer - Thanks for stopping by and sharing by reading and leaving a comment.
Rob Appell May 19, 2008, 1:41pm EDT
Mariana - This is something I never thought would happen to me, but then, no one does. There's no way I could possibly understand what others who have traveled the same road as I am now could possibly be going through. I still don't understand some of it...and I'm in the process of living it. I'm forced to slow down a bit, but that's a good thing. It's giving me the opportunity to experience some of what I missed before and allows me to stop and linger even long as I smell the flowers. I'd be honored to have cocktails with you and raise a little hell. Just make sure you keep me off the bar when I've had too much...and by all means, don't let me start taking off my clothes. I'm not sure if this world is quite ready for a male, amputee stripperLOL! By the way, I love the foot in mouth comment. I may have to steal that and use it myself sometime.
Janet H. May 19, 2008, 1:43pm EDT
You are a great inspiration to me Rob. I have diabetes and seeing what happend to you makes me want to keep my blood sugar under good control. I got a shower chair for $1 at a garage sale and I have seen them on freecycle free before. Goodwill and Salvation Army often have them cheap. Maybe you could get your friend to check around and find you one cheap and take it up the stairs to your apartment. I go to grocery stores that have the ride on carts. They sure are handy! Are there any young people in your neighborhood who would carry groceries up to your apartment for a small tip? My son used to do that for an older lady once or twice a week. Call a church and ask if there are any teens there who would like to do some community service, or try a scout troop. Once when I needed some help around the house, I called a high school and asked them to put a notice on their bulletin board for help wanted. I found a girl with her own car who was such a hard and fast worker that she got so much done that she worked herself right out of a job! She did child care, dishes, cleaning, laundry, and even ironing. She worked for very low pay too. She was a miracle worker and very dependable. Are you eligible for meals on wheels? My sister used to get that and they brought the food right to her door each day during the week and gave her frozen food to heat up on the weekends. Their meals are nutritious and taste pretty good. Call a resurce center and see what help is available in your area and then apply for anything that will help you. I'm sure there is help available if you look for it.
Mariana T. May 19, 2008, 1:43pm EDT
Hey sweet - I know that if I did live closer, I'd try to help more - you know we can only do what we can do. I was trying to figure out how I can help my poor cousin who is still in her early 40's and whose husband is dying from cancer. She says at least I'm here for her if she needs to vent - I can only imagine how hard it is - I feel helpless when I can help folks - I just wish that everyone would help those they can in whatever little ways - As I said, people who are older or who can't get around well need help with so many little things - even screwing in a light bulb can't be easy - so when I'm here in the middle of nowhere, I'm doing some stuff which will in turn help this little town - down on the bayous, I'm trying to get cats (still from Hurricane) and paint mama's house - anyway, yes, I admire you and not from afar - when you're on Gather - you are right here as close as the screen!!! Hugs from Eureka, Nevada...keep in touch and see you soon. Salud.
Mariana T. May 19, 2008, 1:45pm EDT
Oh I'm so glad you're not mad about foot in mouth - after I wrote it I thought oh you dumb brunette - the man doesn't need your wise cracks but then knowing your crazy personality you probably loved it - I know I'm always putting both my feet in my mouth sometimes at once...ok I'll shut up now...just so happy I could finally get on line - it's not easy up here in middle of nowhere...Ok I'm waiting on Foot in Mouth article - lol..Salud
Mariana T. May 19, 2008, 1:47pm EDT
Janet - I love your idea - and will need some help down on the bayous with some stuff and can pay but not that much and some kids will still work for minimum wage for the experience. Salud.
Rob Appell May 19, 2008, 1:49pm EDT
Melinda - I bow to you on your accomplishments! So fantastic you did a 5K on crutches. That's absolutely awesome! And it gives me hope that I might be able to walk more than a few blocks with these sticks stuck under my arms. I'm not looking to become as athletic as you are. How about if I man one of the water stations along the race route? Seeing how I don't own the building I live in, I don't know if the owners would allow me to install hand rails. I'll just have to keep showering the way I've devised for myself, especially since I've still got a few months left on my lease. Even then, I'll probably end up staying here because of its location...not to mention, those stairs are giving me one heck of workout. I'll probably be stronger than an ox by the time my lease is up for renewal anyway. Again, I bow to you (but not too far or I'll tip over) on your accomplishment completing that 5K race!!!
Robyn F. May 19, 2008, 1:51pm EDT
You are still such an inspiration and so strong Rob.
Rob Appell May 19, 2008, 1:51pm EDT
Necee - I don't have any choice but to make the most out of this. Glad you stopped by. And thanks for posting your teddy bears on parade so I could make little comments as cute as those bears. God bless you back.
Vikki M. May 19, 2008, 1:55pm EDT
You are nothing short of amazing. You continue to be such an inspiration with your positive attitude and will to press upward and onward. I think everyone can take something from your articles and learn to see life and its obstacles as a challenge to be met head on rather than avoided.
I'm so glad you're writing here on gather and keeping us all up to date on the goings on in your life and experiences.
Rob Appell May 19, 2008, 1:57pm EDT
Vickey - With so many caring people on Gather, as evident by the response I received once people found out what happened, I felt compelled to keep everyone up to date on my progress. I took a little break last week because I felt people may be getting sick of hearing how things are going. With the response I'm getting today, I guess that's not the case...but I'm glad so many enjoyed my two photo essays on our Lilac Festival here in Rochester, too. If I didn't keep everyone abreast, I'm afraid too many would show up at my doorstep wanting to know what was going on. *Smacks self in the head* Now I think of that. I could have had people helping me do those things around the house I can't do. And you'd better believe I'll be careful on those stairs. I'd rather walk on egg shells and risk break them rather than me getting broken.
Steph-in-NE ..... May 19, 2008, 1:58pm EDT
keep it up my friend,, there is a little guy from Iowa who lost his leg friday due to a lawnmower accident,, he told the reporter it was fine to lose a leg,, as long as I have my mind,, I am happy he is only 8 yrs old,,,
Steph-in-NE ..... May 19, 2008, 1:58pm EDT
sound like you might need another pick me up card just make more smile,, them seem to help
Rob Appell May 19, 2008, 2:08pm EDT
Janet - Thanks for your suggestions. I hadn't even thought of some of the things you mentioned. I know there are a couple of churches here in my neighborhood, though I'm not a member of either, nor am I of their denomination. They may also have scout troops they sponsor. As for neighbors, I really don't know any of them other than a quick greeting in passing...I don't even know their names. Everyone here seems to keep to themselves in not wanting to bother others. I am pretty much able to do most things...it's just the three big ones I can't manage; carrying groceries upstairs, taking the trash downstairs and hauling laundry up and down (we have facilities right in the basement of the building). I did check into Meals on Wheels, but I think they're a little too expensive...$7 a day. I think of all the groceries I could buy for over $200 and make my own feasts. Before my amputation, I was only spending $100 - $125 on groceries, so it would be cheaper to buy my own food. I also cook and bake, so that's no problem preparing meals for myself. Again, thanks for the ideas. i'll have to see about checking some of them out.
Jean, just the teensiest bit odd, F. May 19, 2008, 2:10pm EDT
Rob, I think you're handling this situation so much better than 90% of us would... Slow and steady wins the race (Aesop?)... I can only think that you were meant to acquire this additional "depth" to your personality... to learn to value those things which are truly OF value in this life instead of being "hung up" on outward trappings (and what is the physical body but so much "outward trappings"?) as so many of us are... You continue to inspire the hell out of us...
**AngelEyez** a. May 19, 2008, 2:14pm EDT
so glad to here of such pleasure in your life now,and that your best-friend has come around.Your doing great Rob keep it up!!!!!
Rob Appell May 19, 2008, 2:14pm EDT
Mariana - I know what you mean about some of those little thing, but if I sit and think, I can usually come up with a way to accomplish what needs to be done...like opening and closing a front window. I have to clear half of my computer desk off, then scootch my hynie up onto the desk and tug and pull...but I get that window opened and closed. I did have to have help removing the tension bar from my door so it wouldn't close on me and opened a bit easier. I would have tried myself, but I didn't want to be standing on a chair with one leg and lose my balance only to flip off onto the floor. Trust me, with my sense of humor, I wasn't mad in the least bit at you over that 'foot in mouth' comment. I was mad at myself for not thinking of it first...LOL!
Rob Appell May 19, 2008, 2:15pm EDT
Robyn - Yep...that's me...strong like bull. Or in my case, full of bull.
Rob Appell May 19, 2008, 2:20pm EDT
Vikki - As I've said before, I don't consider myself to be anything all that great. My words don't contain something everyone doesn't already possess inside themselves. Life is already a blessing in itself. It's just up to all of us as to how we see it and live accordingly. Where there's a will; there's a way. It's the way we make our will work that spells success.
Rob you really are wonderful. You have just the right attitude to get you where you want to go. I admire you greatly.
Rob Appell May 19, 2008, 2:26pm EDT
Steph-in-NE - Isn't it amazing how smart youngsters are? Even at his tender, young age of 8, that little boy knows it isn't the end of the world to lose a leg. He knew immediately, whereas, it took me a little longer to realize that very same thing. He's got lots of time to adjust and I'll bet that's one young man you'll end up see going far in life; very well adjusted and able to accomplish any goal he sets for himself. And your most recent 'farm card' sits right here on top as my most recent addition to the collection. Thanks!
sheila ~the hapless housewife~ j. May 19, 2008, 2:26pm EDT
You're doing great!
Rob Appell May 19, 2008, 2:31pm EDT
Jessica - I look at it this way, things can only get better because I'm not going to let them get any worse. I have the medications I need to keep my health up and soon, I'm sure I'll be able to get the proper foods to keep my diet in check. I know I'm not the only one going through some of these problems and I'm also learning from them. Maybe someday, with the right foods and exercise, I can get things in check and not even have to worry about medications any more. I see your hug and raise you two. Everything will end up being alright all the way around.
Rob Appell May 19, 2008, 2:33pm EDT
Melinda - No, quitting is not an option. There's still way too much life to live to give up yet. I've still got things I want to accomplish and see before my final day comes...and they only way I can do that is by continuing to go on; no matter how difficult it may be at times.
Jennifer F. May 19, 2008, 2:36pm EDT
I love reading your stories. Keep up all the great work! It's so absolutely inspiring.