"You will Always be My Little Girl" she Said...and so I ask of you, those with or without Mothers

You are missing who she was before all these difficulties. My late fil had a stroke and he changed dramatically. He was completely different afterwards. I felt like we mourned his death twice...once when he had the major stroke and the second time when he passed away in 2003.

I understand what you are going through with your Mother. Mine had ra and alzheimers and a heart condition. My Mother had been bitter and in a lot of pain during her life. She had a disorder where she would have psychotic episode. I really didn't have a very good relationship with here until she progressed with the alzheimers. Then she told me she loved me, but she did not know which one of us was the mother. She was delighted to find out she was the mother. I got very close to her while taking care of her. All the bad was forgiven and saying she loved me so much made me realize the core person loved me. That was a wonderful gift I was given for helping my parents.

I do miss her. I always loved her. I guess I cope with both my parents being gone with the belief that they are in a better place now

As you read my article, "The Girl with Plaited Braids"...I'm sure you identified completely with me. Alzheimer's takes away the person they were...of course you grieve for the person you knew. I find it difficult when my Mom asks if I ever married or if I have kids....and I wonder where have her memories gone. It pains me when I have to tell her several times in one visit why I only have 2 sons instead of three and what happened to the third. Alzheimer's is a heinous disease...sometimes I wish that she had died before she went into this "limbo land"... for this is like witnessing a long, drawn out death.

Elizabeth - My mother isn't in terrible shape mentally. It is just the reality of mortality and an elderly parent, I think, that had me a bit down. Your article was totally moving to me, very heart-wrenching to read.

I am glad that your Mom still has her mind. Enjoy her. For those of us who have had a long and loving relationship with our Moms, we are blessed...but then it is that much harder to let them go. My Mom was a strong and independent woman...a real role model to follow. Imagine, she worked full time as a reporter till she was 87....I find that incredibly wonderful. She always said that she wanted to die sitting at her desk...sometimes I wish that she had.

As I sit here writing this with tears streaming down my face, I am more or less faced with the same dilemna. My Mom has lupus and has for almost 20 years now. They say it is a terminal illness and that once she has the big one she will surely die. Everytime she goes weeks upon weeks in bed without the strength to even feed herself, I become more and more destitute. My Mom and I have always been more best friends than daughter/mother. My Psychotherapist once told me that we were attached at the hip.

When she is able to do so we try to continue our rituals of going for our manicures, pedicures, our massages and our special lunch together every three weeks. Of late, that has been impossible to do. The longer that she lies there and can't seem to get out of bed with her pain and suffering; I am always prepared or unprepared to see the end.

In speaking to her night before last, I told her that I was so tired of her being sick. It obviously wasn't said in a cruel manner, more said out of frustration and my inability to do anything to help her. She said to me "Maybe I've just quit trying." That statement alone broke my heart. I could no longer find a word to say and rather than say something that would accelerate a bad situation, I opted to talk to her later.

What can someone actually say to their Mother who says this to you? My heart is still broken about it. I called her back and told her that I needed her in my life and that my Father needs her in his life. My Parents aren't getting any younger as my Mom is now 66 and my Dad will be 76 on the 26th of this month.

I honestly do not know what to do. I have offered to take her to a new Rheumatologist and every time that I mention it she tells me that all they're going to do for her is to put her back on steroids. She doesn't want to get back on the steroids you see as she has always been slim and trim and the last time she gained so much weight that she was miserable. My siblings and I have told her that we would rather have a chubby Mom than no Mom but that apparently must be reiterated to her fresh so that maybe it will serve to wake her up and give her that strength or push that she needs so desperately.

I am so sorry about your Mother and her Alzheimers. I honestly do not know what I would do were that to happen to either of my Parents. I find it difficult to deal with both of my Parents health problems as it is. My father has diabetis, has RA, and has knee and feet problems. And then his life experiences have left him more shattered than together.

I know that it will become more difficult as they age more, but I am prepared to take this on all of the way. I will find a way to bring them to my home and care for them. I feel that this would be the only option for me as I know what happens to those who are put in "those homes." Luckily they are fully insured with not one but two health insurance thanks to my Father's years of military service so we have more options as opposed to none. I can get home health hospice care and that would certainly help me. I work out of my home a lot so I wouldn't have to leave them uncared for. I do have three other siblings that live in the same city and doubt that they have even thought of the consequences and the repercussions of said illnesses. I am left to do everything for them.

What do I do is the question? I know not what the answers are either but can say that if this truly is the end; that I will try to love them and care for them will all of my heart and with all of my might lest they ever doubt what they mean to me.

Good luck and God bless you Jo!

I had a biological mother. I was 10 when I no longer lived with her and took 30 years to reconnect. One day she sat down in the chair to watch TV, had a stoke and died. We had become friends over a span of about 10 years. It's always hard to see a friend go.
I had a foster mother. She was wonderful to me. Far better than I deserved as I left her and went south with an aunt, but when I needed her again, she welcomed me with open arms. She was what I remember a mother being. I had trouble dealing with the loss of a mother I had learned to trust and love as my own. I miss her still today after a period of 10 years. They say time heals all wounds, I won't live long enough for that one to heal. I keep busy and try to do the things she taught me over the years. I have given some of my time to others as that is what she would do. When you read Proverbs 31 you will find out what my mother was like.

Jo------

That second paragraph of your article really hit home with me.
It's been ten years since my father died and I think about my Mom every day.
She is still getting around pretty good, but time won't let it stay that way.
I know all too well exactly what you feel and what you are talking about.
Thank you so much for writing this.................

yes - I missed my mother for a couple of years before she died of a sudden heart attack on my 44th birthday. She also had alzheimers. She thought I was her best friend. She didn't remember me as her daughter. She was buried on her 66th birthday.

My mom died 19 years ago, and it seems like I miss her more as the time goes on. I regret that she didn't live to see her wonderful grandhildren as they grew. I wish I had spent more time with her toward the end. Don't dwell on what may happen, just concentrate on enjoying the time you still have together! Then you will have some wonderful memories to keep you going.

My mother and I never got along... She was always dictatorial, sarcastic, impatient and quick to judge... In my lifetime, she did a lot of pretty hurtful things to me... Now, she is in the position of depending upon me completely for transportation and to help her around the yard and with groceries and stuff... Sometimes I catch her looking at me and, shaking her head, she says "You are so much kinder of a person than I am..." In other words, if I had done the things to her that she did to me over the years, I would be finding someone ELSE to lean on... I do what I have to do because there is no one else... My father is dead and I'm an only child... If not for having to take care of her, I would've moved to Mexico a LONG time ago... I can't help you with the answers you're seeking from experience but, yes, I feel that you definitely CAN "miss" someone who's still here but in a very different mind-set than that which you're used to for that person...

My mother is still alive, but it is difficult to watch her age.

That's how it is. Circle of life and all that.

My mother has passed, she really wasn't always kind - give and take away was pretty much it until I decided no more. So really, I don't miss her.

But, my aunt who raised me. I see her starting, very slowly, to lose her memory, not a lot but a little at a time. She's 83 and doing very well physically.

I drive her to the doctors or anywhere else that's outside of our little suburb. She can drive herself to the grocery store and the drugstore and that's it. I hate the idea of her driving - 15 miles an hour down a main street, but she isn't on it long.

If I'm still here when she goes, I know I will be bereft. Words cannot express the love I feel for her.

When the time comes I'll just have to go through it, but I don't want to.

I am so sorry you are going through this. I know it must be very difficult. Thankfully my mother is still alive and well, but I know the day will come for me to go through this as well. We are going through a lot with my husbands grandmother right now, my husbands mother died about 5 years ago, so my husband and his siblings are dealing with the care of their grandmother, which on some days is daunting. I know it is hard but try to relish every moment you have with your mother right now. Take care.

I had a hard time watching my mother's health fail. She had smoked all her life and she ended up with asthma, emphysema, and recurring bouts of pneumonia that would put her into the hospital and rehab for months at a time. We were always close, but now her diminished lung capacity robbed both of us of the opportunity to go out and do things we once enjoyed doing together. She died unexpectedly in her sleep two years ago, and I still miss her. The first Mother's Day without her was heart wrenching and I walked out of church crying after only five minutes. Mother's Day is still hard, especially since all the ads start the day after Easter, bombarding you with ideas of what to buy her. I wish she were still here so I could take her out and pamper her on Mother's Day.

My mom is 79, and still in great shape with the exception of a couple bad knees. I do worry, but I try to just enjoy the fact that she is here now and how grateful I am to have her. I really can't imagine life without her, as we talk several times every day. I just sort of block the thought most of the time, I get too sad if I think of it.

one day at a time..................it was so difficult with my Mom's passing,i think i blocked out much of the greiving because i dont remember a lot of it. dont remember the wake, or the funeral.
my Dad was so sick before he passed, that YES, he was alive but i missed my 'daddy', the strong tough man that i once knew. But he was so tough, he fought till the very end......my thoughts are with you sweetie.....

I am trying to savor each day with my mom who has Alzheimer's and is going blind, as well. Thank you for this post, Jo.

My Mom and I moved in together so I can help her. She is 92, fragile and fighting some senility. I moved into her apt building, 2 doors away on the same floor about 7 yrs ago as she was beginning to need much help. It's funny, we moved in together in Jan. She is still bright ... watches CNN all the time and talks about current things. She know all my sisters but from the day we moved together she hasn't know who I am. She can't understand why judy (me) didn't move in with her as they planned. She keeps telling me I am a lot like judy. She is very senile when it comes to me. She told our doctor last week that she had around 7 ladies that helped her and they were all named judy. She'd never heard such a thing :) I hate her to think I abandoned her but it upsets her when I try to tell her who I am. If I just skip it we get along like a Mom & daughter that loves each other and has fun.
The only time I cried was the other day; I also take care of a older sister that (70) was hit by a car at 26 and is brain damaged. It is harder since I can't leave Mom much. I mentioned to Mom that I was going to have to start helping sister pay her rent (I moved her into a little more expensive apt to be nearer to me. BUT NOT TOO NEAR :)
She's a case and a half :) Mom got angry and blurted out 'No you won't! I don't want you butting into our family affairs. Me and my people will take care of that.' It caught me off guard. Maybe feeling a little sorry for myself since no one has seen her for years and years except me. & Mom once or twice a year.) I got over it :) Actually, all in all, I'm loving my life. Just a few bumps in the road.
I'm very sorry Jo. And all the others that have responded. I didn't realize there was so much pain out there regarding the slow loss of parents.

Is there such a thing as missing your mother while she is still here?

Yes, of course.

I say that because I missed my grandmother who had Alzheimer's for many years while she was still alive. She wasn't the grandma I knew any more.

I missed my other grandma while she was still here too. She lost her voice because of throat cancer and was silent the last several years. She had always been a talker.

My mother passed from a sudden heart attack (in her sleep) 10/2001 and, I guess, it depends on the day. Somedays, it's easier than others to "deal" with her not being here. That first year of her being gone was difficult. Now, it's just the days like her birthday, her "anniversary", and Mother's Day that are hard. Actually, it was much harder losing Mom than when I lost my father (09/1980) - and I was a total tomboy who ALWAYS hung out with Dad. Go figure, huh?

I think that phrase is quite true. You miss the person she once was and realize you may not have a lot of time to understand the person she has become. My MIL and I were close. She lived with us for six years. By the time she passed it was definitely sad to lose her, but we were still grieving the person she used to be.

Jo, I completely understand. My grandfathers health is okay but just seeing him not be able to do the things he used to do or even thinks he can still do break my heart. I want to go visit, but then again I don't. I know I have to see him and just remember in my heart what it used to be. My grandmother (his wife) died just a couple of days before my birthday about 10 years ago. She was more like a mother to me than a grandmother. It absolutely killed me inside to see her go through the throat cancer. Some of the things that I saw will never leave my mind. I loved her so much that when she died I honestly didn't think I could go on. But I am here still, missing her every day. I wish she were here to see what I've done with my life, see her great grandchildren grow up, and for me to have that chance just one more time to tell her how much I really love her. She was physically fine until her last couple of weeks of radiation. It was so scary. She tried to be strong for us. Not for herself. She told me one day that she just couldn't give up, because of all of the people around her that loved her. I will never forget that. She didn't actually say it because she could not speak, but she wrote it down. I wish I still had that piece of paper. I miss her so much. I wish you all the luck in the world and be sure to keep all of those wonderful memories close to your heart.

I lost my mom to Alzheimers 2 years ago. In fact, she was buried on Mother's Day. I had been missing her long before she left this earth. It is such a cruel disease. She became a shell of who she once was. At first, remembering was so hard. Now, I remember and smile. She is with me in the kitchen when I cook, at family gatherings in my daughter's laugh, in my son's eyes, and in my heart always. Mother's are so much a part of us, and we never truly lose them. God bless.

My mother died two and a half years ago. Right before she died my sister made her go live at her house - mama went down very fast because there was no reason for her not to be at her house esp with me there. I still stayed with her most of the day...I remember thinking that when mama dies - I will die as well...and I almost did - of a broken heart. We still have the house and I sit and burn candles where mama and I used to burn them - we often talked about things in the afterlife - it's a long long story but mama could see people after they died - it's something that ran in her family...anyway, enjoy each moment with your mother - no matter how sick she is or in what mental state - be there...hold her close - Many blessings...Salud.

The answers here have been a true blessing and comfort, can't express how much :)

My mother comes from a background of serious, stoic farmers, and she has never been demonstrative with any of her kids. The most we ever got when we went off to camp or on the first day of school was a stern "Behave!" I missed having the kind of mom who makes jokes, gives hugs and says "I love you"--so I've tried to be that mom to my own kids.

I worry about my mom--she's still pretty healthy, but she says some kind of strange things sometimes. But I live far away from my parents; when I see Mom it always surprises me that she's not quite as strong as I remember her.

My Mother was my best friend, we used to listen to the radio
when I got home from school and dance to Chubby Checker
or Chuck Berry, the Big Bopper, Elvis Presley I could list many
more. My other siblings would join in now and then to sing an
dance. Mother was a loving person, we were very poor back
then and she would go without eating so we could have what
little bit she ate. She wore the same penny loafers year after
year would sew the seams back together with carpet thread.
Then for the soles she would take the leather tongue from an
old work boot put it in the shoe, fit it so's it wouldn't slip out. I
know she wore the same winter coat my oldest sister did cause
whrn sister was in school Mother had to stay home. But that all
came to an end when my cousin James came home on leave. He
asked Mother to go out to lunch she said no I can't I don't have
a winter coat to wear. She was like a Mother to James and tears
rolled down his cheeks and he hugged her said he'd be back. He
wnet to the clothing store and saw a lady Mother's size asked if
she would try the coat on then he hugged her, said thank you he
bought that coat back home for Mother. She cryed when she did
we all cryed seven of us. My Mother was one of a kind and I miss
her so much but I know I will see her in the next life. I don't know
if this helped you I only hope that it did.
Huggers4U
Just Me
Barbie

Sorry for all those mispelt words my friend.
But one can't edit a comment. *smiles*

I had to stop writing because it was so emotional and now I find
I can't write now because I am tired and getting things all mixed
up I will try to get back the first thing on the morrow, sorry.

Such a generous outpouring of responses, so heartening and comforting. I'm speechless and very moved, hard to put it into words :)

There is nothing that can really cure the loss of someone you love, and a mother is possibly the most special from a child's viewpoint. When my mother died, I mourned the loving relationship we never had. Perhaps this was the saddest of all my losses. Good luck and blessings and grace to deal with your Mom's decline. I hope it is gentle.

Sorry for you loss of the person your Mother once was. Absolutely it's possible to grieve someone while they are still here. It must be very difficult to have her their in body but not in the same mind she once was. HUGS TO YOU. No one can ever take away the memories you have of your mother.
I have a plaque that I keep on my night stand. It reads, "God help me to remember that NOTHING is going to happen today that YOU and I TOGETHER can't handle. It is a difficult time, but you can get through it. I wish you many blessing as you are going through this difficult time with your Mother. She may not remember right now about her previous life, but YOU CAN. What a blessing you are to be there for her and help her remember when her memory fails on her. You are a wonderful daughter for her to have. HUGS TO YOU TODAY!

Joe, I do feel for you. Right now, my mom is sick but she is still with us mentally and physically. I try to spend as much time with her as I can, knowing that at any moment she could be gone.

I do have many friends who choose not to celebrate mother's day, even though they are mothers. One even stays away from the mall and the mother's day displays beginning right after Easter. Others plan special events and activities the days before and after. They may get through mother's day, but the pain is always there. It may hit them in July, on a day that has nothing to do with their mom (not a birthday or anything). They end up calling in sick at work and staying home all day crying.

"You will always be my little girl" is a beautiful sentence when you think of everything it means. I hope time will turn the pain you feel now with these words into comfort and support for you.

Jo, I am overwhelmed by the pain and grief I've read in these responses. My mom lives in Germany and she would never concede to come here to live with me.

My mom will be 80 this August and I know she is on a slow downhill descent, her body is getting weaker and she is not handling it well. I often wonder when and when I see birthday and family celebrations involving my friends mothers, I am jealous and it hurts to be so far away from my mom.
Her mind is still active, but I do think she has been hiding it those days when she is fuzzy. I will feel some relief to have an accurate assessment of my own when I see her.

When the time comes there will be nothing I can do and I might not find out until after.

I try not to think about it, but sometimes I wish I could just see her for an afternoon. I am afraid what I will find after a whole year and I am afraid to leave her and I feel guilty for not spending every minute with her when I visit - not that she wants me too and not that I want to, it's just that we both know time is running out.

Her personality is slowly changing, but I think most of that is actually due to having had a life where it was impossible for her to show any kind of weakness. Now that she can, the floodgates have opened. She is actually working on, talking about and dealing with issues that were family secrets including some harsh truths in her life.

I never realized that many old people are just plain depressed and that she had some of those issues, because things were just too much to bear. She is over that now and emotionally doing better.
Two years ago was the first time I have ever seen my mother cry, it was a necessary step and a release and acknowledgement of old hurts.

Very strange this getting old thing and having to deal with your mom.

I wish I had something clever and helpful to tell you, but I think enjoy the moments with her that you can. Knowing and accepting the fact that she may be slipping away in a different way than you thought are two different things.

Rose- and everyone - every comment has been helpful. Just knowing that others go through this is more support than I can express!

Sad reading, and empowering. Glad I followed this thread.

my mom died in 1984, when she was 38 (my age now) and I was 14. I didn't think i'd ever get over the consuming grief...when I finally started to, my dad died three years after my mom...so I had to start all over...i've never gotten over the grief to be honest, but time makes it easier to life with...I was lucky to have been her (their) child, and they'd want me to live a happy life, so I try to, in their honor.

I lost my Mother in '79, and not a day goes by that I don't miss her.