The Speed of Misbehavior--A Lesson in Relativity and Motherhood

A baby is born.  It lies sweetly in the cradle, it cries, it coos and gurgles.  You're smitten.  Months go by and the little angel learns to crawl.  You long for the day the child will take his or her first steps.  You walk the child around until your back threatens to break, little fists clutching your fingers.  Finally, the big day comes. You capture the whole wonderful event on video which you post on YouTube for all of the world to see and admire.  A week later, you wonder what the *bleep* you were thinking.  In the next 3 to 4 years, you would be wise not to turn your back on your child.

I've been there four times and here are a few things I've learned about the years between that first birthday and the age of 5 which is generally considered among us moms as "the beginning of the age of reason."  I caution you that these numbers are only estimates and the actual duration of this period of childhood may vary.  Some overachievers start walking at 8 months or start climbing when they start to crawl.  Some children are not safe to leave alone with safety scissors until 6 years old.  

 In this article, I'll break down some essential activites and compare them to the speed in which a child under 6 can get into various types of mischief.

Average time it takes to go to the bathroom--5 minutes

     Time it takes for toddler to scale the bookshelf--2 minutes

     Time it takes for preschooler to cut a two inch chunk of hair--90 seconds

     Time it takes for a preschooler to decorate the hall in permanent marker hyroglyphics--30 seconds flat

Average time it takes to change a diaper--5 minutes

     Time it takes for a toddler to wander into the bathroom and start playing in the toilet with        decorative  soap--2 minutes

     Time it takes for preschooler to push a chair up to the cabinet, scale the cabinet, boost self with open cabinet door up to the top of the refrigerator where the Easter candy is stashed-- 75 seconds

     Time it takes for a preschooler to eat own body weight of aforementioned Easter candy --Nanoseconds 

Average Time it takes to hold a telephone conversation--DON'T---Trust me, it's not worth it

How do you safely indulge in these activities, you ask.  I mean if you're not willing to wait until your child turns 5 or 6.

Going to the Bathroom--

     1) Go before your partner leaves for work and wait until naptime to go again. Repeat when your partner comes home. (You think I'm kidding...)

                                                         or

     2)  Leave the door ajar and practice sonar parenting.  Ask your child a question then listen for his voice to determine where he is in the house and whether he's using this opportunity to gobble down the oreos in the pantry. 

     3) if you have a really determined little one, put him or her in the empty bathtub with a bunch of toy animals and draw the shower curtain.  Hey, it's a close to privacy as you can safely get for the next few years. Sorry.

Changing the Baby--

     1)  Keep your preschooler busy with bringing you diapers and shaking a toy to keep the baby happy.

      2)  Don't leave the baby and the preschooler alone--even for a minute--or you'll get to see results of experiments like "What would the baby look like if he had lipstick colored hair?"

Talking on the Telephone--

     1)  Limit calls to anyone to times when your child is napping or securely restrained in a child safety seat.  In the car, I mean.

     2)  Get caller ID and a cordless phone and answer the phone at other times only if you must.

     3) Have a box of quiet toys near the phone to whip out in case of emergencies.  NEVER TURN YOUR BACK ON YOUR CHILD WHILE YOU ARE TALKING.

WARNING-- Even the most vigilant parenting will be inadequate against a sufficiently determined preschooler.  So here are some other tips.

       Never give your preschooler gum.  Gum and hair are magnetically attracted to one another.

       Keep a can of primer handy in the garage.

       Store medications in a strong box with a combination lock and put reminders of the combination all over your bathroom for when you forget it.

       Lock up all scissors, preferably in a safety deposit box in a bank on the opposite side of town.

       Keep playdo away from your carpet--in the house next door would be ideal.

       Nail polish should be treated much like nuclear waste.  It is only safe from a 4 year old glamour queen if it is launched into orbit or buried 100 feet underground in a distant desert.      

And most importantly,

                       Never lose your sense of humor!