Beautiful boy

he is such a beautiful boy...

as i escape the anxiety of the another elevator ride I could live without,

 the ping  lets me know that I am where I am supposed to be.

I sense him.

the too bright lights of the nursery

remind me of mid day at the beach,

but these lights are not warming,

they are cold,

and harsh,

and unloving.

 i approach the desk,

 straining to see

 that he is still there...

I need this beautiful boy.

the nurses tell me that he knows when I am coming.

that he quiets.

i rush too quickly to his cradle,

I am so anxious to hold him,

to give him a mothers love

not forever,

but for now.

but he does not startle.

i need help lifting him,

there are many tubes and needles,

and tanks that keep him alive

 the nurse is too quick, rushed, hurried

she has much to do yet today.

it hurts me.

she tells me

i am the only one that will hold him.

others pick the babies who look physically perfect

on the outside.

They do not choose

this beautiful boy.

for just a little longer,

i can mother him.

soothe his fervent brow,

whisper i love yous

and be a good boy,

grow up strong, and smart and good,

into ears that can not hear the sound.

but he knows.

 he is not mine forever,

but for now,

he is only mine

this beautiful, beautiful boy.