The Post-Vacation Post

I cannot believe I have been home for almost two weeks and I haven't been onlione anywhere save to bitch and moan about how pathetic my life is.  And while I will freely admit that i am in the midst of a deep depression, there are good things, too-so thanks to Alie for asking me about my vacation and reminding me that there are parts of life which are really, really beautiful.  I KNEW that, you know, but sometimes it gets so easy to focus on the bad without taking into account the equal or greater amount of good.

Vacation: in a word, it was lovely, but when have you ever known me to stop at A word?  In truth, it was everything I had hoped it would be, and then some.  The friend I stayed with got married in, I think, January, and this was the first time I met her husband, so was a little nervous about that-not because I was worried he would be an asshole or anything, but just because the dynamics of C. and i's relationship could change because of it.  However, my fears were put to rest immediately when I walked into their home and he didn't just shake my hand, but enveloped me in this warm, welcoming hug.  He is the kind of man, I think, who would love me based on my friendship with C. alone-because he loves HER that much (and I feel the same way about him, for the same reasons), but in addition to that  Ithink we both found a genuine liking for one another.  I feel like I made another friend, which is never a bad thing. 

Their house is lovely, large and clean and full of light, and I felt soothed almost instantly.  No noise, for one thing, not like my house where there is always something going one.  And the bed!  I could wax rhapsodic about the bed alone.  Big.  Soft.  Warm. Empty save for me.  A BED.  In a room with a door that closed.  That is about as close to heaven as I have been in quite some time.  I think I hadn't realized just how tired I was, on so many different levels, until I had the opportunity to be part of the quiet.

It is funny, we didn't do a lot, so far as sightseeing or whatever-because I lived there for so long, I didn't feel at all like I needed to do anything like that.  We did go down to the market to a specific shop (yep, real people actually go to the public market to BUY things, LOL!), and I loved that; I love the bustle of the crowds and the rows and rows of flowers and fruit and vegetables in a display that can make you cry at how beautiful it is.  I love the smell and the sound and the feel of it.  In fact, I love Seattle; if I didn't have kids and could make a living there, I would be there in a heartbeat. 

So much of the trip was, for me, about confronting memories and letting go.  See, the last time I was there was for the funeral of one of the most amazing women I have ever known, and it was hard for me to go to all of the places we used to go, see the same things with a completely different perspective.  I went to the cemetary and it was-well.  I tend to be rather cold-hearted and unsentimental about things, and I have never actually BEEN to a cemetary to "visit" a loved one.  NEVER.  And while I don't think I will start making a habit of it, I am so glad I went.  She is buried in a very lovely, almost provate spot, overlooking the woods and on a slight hill so I could see down into the valley; the whole setting is peaceful, a good place to rest.  I fell apart there, sitting next to the headstone and sobbing until  Ithought my heart would break; so much lost there, such a young life with so much ahead of her.  These four kids and a husband who obviously still visit, there were wilted flowers and a couple of plants and several other items, a mom who lost a daughter, and me.  God, I don't know how to describe it without sounding like a freak, but it was as if it had just happened, and all of these feelings I have been trying to keep at bay in the three years since she died just exploded.  I honestly thought my heart was going to break all over again.  But then C. came back with coffee, and we talked and cried together, and it was the beginning of healing.  Maybe-maybe I can get through this.

C. had a birthday dinner for me on Saturday with Shawn (the widower) and their four kids, Dee and her husband and their two kids, and that was also beautiful.  It was good to see them all, and to be together in a much less painful circumstance.  It was sad, too, but with a sweetness as well that says life goes on.  I felt embraced and loved and cherished.

Which pretty much was the tone of the whole visit.  I was, quite simply, taken care of.  In many, many ways, I felt as if they were nursing me back to health after a long illness-and maybe they were.  I was let to sleep as long as I wanted, D. kept me provided with delicious food and coffee and he let me help him make a pie (the man could open his own restaraunt, he is that good!), C. and I read together in the living room, the beautiful feeling of being comfortable enough that the companionship is necessary but words aren't.  They let me make conversation or not, which is such a blessing.  C. and I went shopping together on Sunday, which was actually a lot of fun.  Found out we have very similar tastes in  things, which was an unexpected surprise, because it made shopping actually fun.  We went to University Village, which is a shopping center right by the University of Washington; it was raining, which made everything look fresh and new and clean, and for some reason I felt such a deep and abiding joy, that kind that leaves you shaken with the intensity of it.  It wasn't the place itself, nor the shopping, nor the company of a dear friend; it wasn' the time away from my kids, the time to rest, but at the same time, it was all of that and more.  I just felt alive and part of something so much greater than myself, that everything we do and everyone we know is connected in some strange way.

So it was a great experience, and I am glad, SO glad I got to go.  I did take photos, lots of them, but alas, haven't gotten them downloaded yet, and by time I do, you all won't care! :)