ASK THE WICKED OLD BROAD (aka Dame Ruth)
May 02, 2008 04:17 PM EDT
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Since I have lived long enough to have been everywhere and done everything (and everybody), thereby acquiring knowledge beyond comprehension, I have acquiesced to Stephanie's request to produce an "ask me questions" column. My areas of expertise are too numerous to mention here, so I'll just invite you to give me your best shot... if I can't give you an authoritative answer, I'll devise a convincing lie. Fire away.
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Comments: 92
Does this mean there is something wrong with me?
Messy, well...if it ain't messy, it can't be much fun.
You could always do both. I'm well on my way to CrazyCatLady-hood.
Dame - Why does the sun go on shining?
I'm about halfway through your last book and I've recognized several signs of impending crone-dom, but I'm not quite there. However, since I'm homornal and definitely premenopausal, do you think I can get away with taking a large shotgun about with me and just blowing away anyone who upsets me? Would I have better luck getting away with it if I told people I worked for the federal government?
Old but Not Old Enough
Why -- oh why won't Gather let us be friends? Also, I am going back to the bar soon, and am going to find a willing victi -- I mean, nice man to minlessly and meaninglessly fu -- I mean, I am going to find a nice cutie pie and let him service me. What is my best perfume for this?
Sincerely,
The Pants™ horny, hopeless and happily single...
This is the second time I have attempted to communicate with you, and can only keep my fingers crossed (not an easy task while typing) that this response will post. I've been having computer connection problems all day (if you hear rumors of Verizon exploding, you'll know who did it) and have been unable to join you until now. I'll do as much as I can tonight, but if I vanish again, please feel free to join me in my efforts to destroy my internet provider.
So help me Charles. Amen.
Peter: G-d who?
Monkey: I've always found a hammer useful in this situation.
There you are. I'm just happy to see you.
my evening plans just fell thru. Dame, should I be a good girl and catch up on sleep, or do i call the hot cabana boy in training to see if he still wants to get together for a little rumpity bumpity?
Do you like farm boys with a few issues?
2) For your loss of interest in sex, I suggest a change of scenery...shift your gaze to Raoul the Cabana Boy. Alternatively, borrow Ina's rabbit.
Duckie: I passed that landmark last year.
Kris: Why not do both? You could be a married crazy cat lady...I bet John wouldn't notice the difference.
Jennifer Hodge, Member Experience
Just what does your member experience, Ms. Hodge? Does size really matter?
Sorry, I know I should be on the other side of the question marks, but some things are just too good to ignore.
Former Call Girl: the only statue of limitations I know of is the Venus de Milo...being armless would seem to be severely limiting.
Not any more, Sharon...he's dead.
After all of these inconsequential questions, I have one that is infinitely more important:
Did the Big Bang really happen, and if it did, how come I wasn't there to enjoy it?
Why -- oh why won't Gather let us be friends?
My guess is that they know if we twain become as one, we can bring them to their hawthorny knees with a single scathing keystroke.
Not since I've seen Paree, Ed.
Sucker for the Dead Guys (sort of like Ed Gein but distinctly different)
Absolutely! AND their P's and Q's.
Yes, Vicky, that is completely true. Before the advent of The Pill, sex was synonymous with marriage and if a girl somehow got knocked up she only had two choices...make the dude marry her or commit suicide. (I opted for the former).
Guess who's going to Home Depot as soon as she could get a ride?
I actually got hit on that way, I asked if he knew where the knobs were (to replace the kitchen knobs) and he grabbed his crotch and said "right here baby"....so I did what any girl would do (or any girl that's a granddaughter of DR), I started undoing my shirt and told him to give it to me....he ran away.
What is the metric weight of Montana?
Jennifer Hodge, Member Experience
Just what does your member experience, Ms. Hodge? Does size really matter?
Sorry, I know I should be on the other side of the question marks, but some things are just too good to ignore.
Dame Ruth, Chief Executive Elitist D., May 2, 2008, 9:52pm EDT
Oh, I so want to be this when I grow up -- the Dame; not the "member experience." Wow... I can't even snark at this point. I am outclassed, and for the first time in my life -- proud of it.
el homo fabuloso, May 3, 2008, 12:48am EDT
Ahhhh! MATH!
Thank you for telling me that Merv Griffin is dead. I'm so relieved.
A few leftover answers first:
Lori, Wanda and Shannon: Yes.
Stephanie: Nelson Eddy was resoundingly gay, so no. My only connection to Cary Grant was our shared acid supplier.
Kathleen: No, I never met Louis J. However, there's still time...the old frog is still alive, at 89.
There was a question asked on another thread that was not quite answered properly. Not that I think you met him or anything but, Methuselah might have told you...What did Jesus wear under his robes?
Is it true what they say about Trixie? Do the sailors go there by mistake? Does the milkman come each morning and leave as in a dream? Do all the others get skim milk while Trixie gets the cream?
I hope this answers your urgent question satisfactorily...I'm sorry you had to ask twice and I expect a percentage of those bar bet earnings.
Had to peek in here to understand better, who you are. Oh, you are brilliant!
You didn't have to fake anything in the big orgasm, that is so cool! or Hot, as physicists and the Hilton in Paris hasn't quite figured out yet --> my judgment.
My question to you then would be, since I haven't the time to read more than wherever Bert asked about the Big Bang: ...gee, I'll have to get back to you, since each question that's popping into my head at this moment is getting answered as stupid.
Oh well...
But I truly want to thank you for your comments on Chris' nonsense.
My Ex claims that he is now counting down on his birthdays. When he gets to 30 again, can I have him back? Just for a few hours?
1) I don't know what "wimmen" means.
2) Are you referring to a sliding compartment in a bureau or other storage unit or to an item of underclothes?
3) The only creatures of my acquaintance that leave either variety of "drawers" open are of the slob/male persuasion.