Adventures in Painting.

The winter we have all endured has addled my brains and led me on trail of 'brightening' my home. Never mind I have better things to do, oh say, write, edit and submit my work. Never mind that I have tendinitis from my neck down both arms, a small annoyance which is easily solved with a hot bath and lots of medication.

First something you must know about me. I was brought up by parents who were raised during the depression. If you couldn't make it, fix it or do it, you couldn't have it. Supplies were limited so the job had to be done right the first time.

My dad mentioned in passing once, "All these guys on TV are complaining how cold it was at the Battle of the Bulge. I don't remember it being that cold."  That's my Dad. No big deals exist.

Do you have any idea how infuriating it is to be a full grown woman, tempted to take half measures only to see your father tisking and shaking his head?  He ingrained do it right the first time into my DNA.

Back to painting. The master bathroom is my domain, complete with jetted tub. I have claimed total control of the space and no one is likely to argue the point with me.  A few years ago I painted it two shades of purple. A lilac and much deeper, richer purple as accent. Very Victorian, which suited me perfectly. That is until the winter which wouldn't end. I swear it is snowing somewhere as you read this.

I started with a new shower curtain and as a result just HAD to paint. It had been just long enough ago that I forgot about what it takes to do it right the first time.

Taking inventory is the first step in doing something right.

Paint brush for latex. 

If you have never shopped for a paint brush I'll fill you in.

There are no less than a dozen different types of brushes. Angled, Nylon, Sable, Foam,  and of these there are different categories of what brush works with what paint.

There are stain brushes which cannot be confused with varnish brushes. And you certainly don't want a brush meant for oil to touch latex. At least that's what the home improvement guys will tell you.  And then there is the level of quality. .

Good (the bristles will fall out and get trapped forever in the paint telling the world what a cheap skate you were.)

Better (If this is the only time you are ever going to paint, this one will do. Wash it and it falls to Good status.)

Best (This one cost roughly twice what a Good one does and will survive at least four washings)

Professional Grade (When you are done choking on the price and wondering if it is made of an exotic, endangered animal hair.. you eye the Good brush.. see your father shaking his head and toss it in the cart.)

For my particular purpose a three inch brush will serve . I've done this before so I'm not buying four different brushes to make sure I have the right one. I just want to paint the bathroom not finance the sales person's retirement.

Paint is like the brushes you put it on with. The choice is easier though. The eco friendly, no smell, don't you feel good spending what you could paint the entire interior of your home on your smallish master bath. I'm all for going green but if I wanted to spend that much I'd gold leaf the walls and call it done.

The cheap paint. Hear my dad tisking? Not worth bringing home. It will take three times as much paint to cover the same area and cost you half to go with the mid-priced paint.

Brush, paint..check. Oh no, dark purple accent. Off to the primer isle. There is no hope for it.  This stuff cost more than the derned paint brushes, but it will make for a one coat coverage of the new soothing color I've chosen. Lilac, shouldn't need it.

As I wait for the helpful staff to mix my colors I wander the isles looking for things I may have forgotten.

Drop cloth? Have you ever tried to wrangle with a plastic drop cloth in a small space? The experience was very traumatic as I recall. It stuck to me and not the tape which was supposed to secure it to the base board. There was a tangled mess of plastic around my ankles and when the paint fell it managed to find the fraction of a millimeter which wasn't covered in plastic. I decide to pass. I'll recycle newspaper and make up for not making the green choice in paint.

Painter's tape?  

Taping everything in sight is fine if you know you can finish before the expiration date on the adhesive is going to expire. What no one tells you about masking tape is that after a short period of time(to be determined by the tape) it will no longer come off of what you put it on. Well pieces and slivers will, the rest you either learn to ignore or dig at with a razor blade while your dad shakes his head at you for thinking of leaving it there.  Oh, and if you take it off too soon? Paint clinging to it will make an escape attempt and leave you with the old color glaring out in a most conspicuous manner.

Masking tape has a place, mainly as a wrap for the finger I cut on the toilet paper holder as I was taking it out of the wall to paint. Does anyone happen to know why an inset TP holder has bolts so long I want to check my siding for holes? Is holding TP so strenuous? One would think by the lag bolts holding it to the wall.

It is decided, I don't need much stinkin tape.

Brave yes. Stoopid, never. I'm not going to try and cut in around my most lovely chrome light fixture. There's a line and I won't cross it.

As I started taking everything down and taping the screws to what they were holding up.. I discover I have lost the special little do-flicky to take down the towel bar. I tried a jeweler's screw driver, but it did nothing.. okay so I need more stinkin tape. Tape that seems to love clinging to itself and the wall more then the mounting brackets of the towel bar. Who invented this stuff anyway? Satan?

My history with painting is long and well, sordid.

It is generally accepted that I will buy half again as much paint as I think I need to compensate for the amount I will get on me. I refer to painting as, 'Becoming one with the paint.' Old clothes for me and one of those spiffy little lunch lady shower cap thingies. You wouldn't laugh so hard if you'd tried to get latex paint out of your hair. It takes weeks, and hair color won't work. Tried that.

Things are going marvelously. I'm cutting in around the window and door frames in a fashion that would make the old man proud. Yes, I can do it. Only a few drips which are expediently wiped away with a warm soapy cloth. The primer is down. The new accent color is up...it is as perfect as I thought it would be.

What is this? The main color is having coverage problems. EEKS. Denial reigns supreme. I'm just not getting enough on my brush/roller. It will be fine. Oh, no, it can't be! I'm out of paint.

Purple of any shade is to be avoided at all cost. Or prime no matter how light it is. I prefer the first thought.

The cost of gas verses the cost of paint.  We've got a hardware store out here in the boondocks where I live. The man who owns the place knows everything and no one else knows anything and he is more than happy to put his customers straight on every matter he deems fit. Yeah, I like going in there.  There are women around here who refuse to do business with the man..they make their husbands go.

I need one quart of a fairly common color. Is it worth the $4.00 saved in gas to chance having to put up with Mr. Know-it-all? $10.00 bucks for a quart of paint. Yes it is worth the gas saved. Remember I have to make up for not using the pricey 'green' paint.  There is a GOD.. Mr. Know-it-all is out to lunch and he's left his assistant Slow Poke to cover for him.

Slow Poke is a pleasant old guy. I've made money betting against him in snail races. It's not like he means to be slow, and I don't have to deal with the other one. Best of all? They have a color which will match close enough that no one will know I ran out.

I rush home with my treasure. More than a little pleased to have not only helped save the planet by not driving into town, but getting the paint for less than what it is in town. HooRah.

The lid pops off and I tip the can to fill the paint pan. Plllooppp. Huh? It smells like paint. It sort of looks like paint, but it's the consistency of a perfect mud pie. Push through, I have to finish.

The goop isn't absorbing into the roller. Rather than rolling it is smearing across the wall in a thick ooze. Now what? Dad said, "Never water paint." Push through, get out the brush. Ewe, now I'm drawing the ooze around leaving brush marks as I go.

My dad is nine hundred miles away. He'll will never know. I pour water into the paint and start to mix. It's curdling. My paint looks like some sort of really bad cottage cheese. AAAHHHHH! Keep stirring, it will get better. Maybe a wire whisk. I got it, the mixer I'll get the mixer.

Once thoroughly mixed the paint appears to be paint again and I finish painting my master bath.. I sure hope my dad doesn't ask what I did this week.. cuz he'll know if I'm lyin to him. It's bad enough to hear the tisking in my head about adding water to the paint.. and not priming the whole bathroom at the start.