Today is April 25, and the Hedgehog Corps will celebrate its 2-year Gatherversary on April 30, at which point we will slip into blissful retirement.
We've seen a lot here in two years' time, good and bad, funny and sad, and no we are not going to break into a stupid rhyme scheme just because we're sounding mellow.
It's been a good run, we've met some excellent souls and hope to remain in touch with many dear friends through other means besides this site. We'd like the chance to offer one last Q&A session, so we'll invite your questions on whatever topic you please.
Editor's note: the flag has been removed, to allow some friends to see this article without logging-in to Gather.
So -- one last time. Ask the Hedgehog.
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Comments: 191
My friend Kate has a distant familial connection to a serial killer.
How can I encourage a family member to do something notorious, too.
Need Some Pizazz
I note that you have visited numerous historical sites, museums, and important buildings, and have made business trips and performed in the theater.
If I was really cute and unable to talk, would I get taken out more often?
Shut In in Manhattan
What about marrying Kate, thus bringing her notorious serial-killing connection into your family line? You may have to work out a few details, but it would achieve your goal.
I find that you are particularly unresponsive.
This reminds me of the "Ask Doctor Sandy" article.
I suspected that Doctor Sandy was drinking on the porch while her waiting room was filling up with anxious whiners.
What are you doing, performing Hamlet?
Impatient, soon to be inpatient
Kate believes that she is Grace Vanderbilt, and wishes to return to a huge mansion on upper Fifth Avenue.
It is impossible to find good servants these days.
Will I have to wait on her, hand and foot?
Without the Style to Which She Is Accustomed
I have a crush on a big Frog who sets a beautiful table and prepares delicious meals.
Can an amphibious relationship work?
Sharing the Gather Mug
How do I live up to the rumor that Peter started about Dr. Sandy? Of all the rumors I've seen about me, that looks like the one I would most like to make true. Problem is, I can't walk - let alone type - after four ounces of an alcoholic beverage.
Loopy enough without
Doctor Sandy claims that she has a low tolerance for alcohol ( we know she has a low tolerance for fools) and could not have been drinking on the porch.
If we give her the bendfit of the doubt, what was she doing out there?
Suspicious of the Health Care Industry
I have found member support to be officious and clueless.
I have better member support from a good jock strap.
Let's Post Our Thongs
How can you leave me?!
Even More Cranky Pants.
How can I get those dreadful train conductors to stop trying to get me to board one of their hideous conveyances?
Yours truly,
RR Cross
As to the Members in Training -- there is no escape, since it is a site-sponsored program not unlike the Anti-Nail Clip Rule. The only cure is to leave the site altogether, and that would unfairly punish your legion of fans here.
Instead, make free use of the Delete Comment and Block Sender features.
(But, we have you on RSS feed, and we're only an email away.)
I have a hedgehog friend who is thinking about having her spines augmented.
I have tried to warn her about the dangers of silicon spine implants, but she seems adamant in her decision. Do you think I am wrong in trying to persuade her to change her mind??
You have told us about the time you need to devote to school, your family, your car, your hedgehogs, your job, your husband, etc.
These all sound like personal and selfish concerns to me.
What about US?
When do you propose to return to Gather?
It's All About Me
I am going to hijack the thread to respond to BERF.
"I have a hedgehog friend who is thinking about having her spines augmented."
Don't Do It!!!!!!
I have known several hedgehogs who tried spine augmentation as a shortcut to higher wages in the HedgeStripping business.
They were miserable.
It was impossible to be carried in anyone's pocket without looking like a frumpy lint ball.
The spines were always getting caught on laundry, curtains, and clothing.
And, the silicone leaks, and causes lumps in the ass.
Ruined My Career
I manage to be hated by everyone I don't admire. Is there something wrong with me that I take perverse pleasure in this?
Twisted Sister
What question should I ask?
Regards,
Doyle I <~~~~~
Doyle: that one is perfect!
My inability to make acrostics and evaluate modern poetry effectively, not to mention recognize my friends' music lists, is cause for ridicule. Will discussing thermodynamics restore my reputation? Or just drive my friends to drink?
Please tell "Twisted Sister" that she is admired by everyone who matters.
Some of her frineds, Doctor Sandy and the Hedgehog Maven, drink very little (or so they say).
Don't Sweat the Morons
I have no patience with members of negative IQ and treat them harshly. Will this get PETA on my ass?
Scared of Vegetarians
Recently, I have had the overwhelming urge to use this icon.
Would it be disrespectful, outrageous, and offensive?
I hope so.
Train Wreck
My daughter sings better than I do and writes better poetry. My son outstubborns and outthinks me routinely. Both are infinitely cuter. Do you think they absorbed part of my brain and left me with packing peanuts instead? What do you think my youngest has absorbed?
Running on Empty
And if you think I recognize all the songs in Kris M's and Joy's Song Lists, you overestimate me greatly. I Google those bands and song titles and learn something new every day.
Why didn't Hawthorne let me know you posted this? I had to find out elsewhere...fuckitall.
Now I have to go back and see where I left off...
Drinking: not kidding. I don't drink. I am boringly sober.
Treat everyone -- intelligent or not -- with respectful courtesy, as this reflects upon you, not them. But don't lose any sleep over their shortcomings, either.
Please tell "Filthy Rich" and "Paranoid in Poughkeepsie" that people sit, set, stagger around talking about her whether or not she is in bed.
Nimble in New York
Friends like Joy, Peter, John O. Kris, Time Heals, the AntiCrist and a host of others make me laugh so hard, I will soon need Poise pads. Is Gather behind this?
A Little Piddled
Please tell the new mother in Texas that adorable children always outshine their parents, however accomplished they may be.
"...My son outstubborns and outthinks me routinely..."
I have high hopes for this child.
Good-Hearted in Gotham
You missed Running and Scared. Are you already enjoying life rather than live through Gather purgatory?
Enquiring Mind
Do you think it's possible that Gather quit hating me? Or do you think there is a more sinister explanation for the email notifications they send when my friends publish?
Signed,
Knocking On Wood
Goodnatured in Gotham is a friend of surpassing taste and intelligence. If The Amazing Kate™ discards him because of his lack of slavish behavior, will he take me instead? Will I have to kill a relative to give myself more cachet? Is this enough talking to satisfy TAK™?
Frenetic Questioner
With an amazing, talented, intelligent mother like you, Stephanie, your children have no choice but to shine, achieve, and challenge -- they are reflections of the best in their parents. This is as it should be. Parenting, done well, is exhausting and vastly rewarding.
What is this "other world" you speak of and why do I suddenly feel consumed with terror as though I have been living in a children's book (albeit a "special" children's book.) Also, I saw you mention poetry in an answer above. Do you believe that, in our lifetimes, we will see a cure for the horrible condition of Noodlemania?
Skeptical Pasta-Manx
Please remind Paranoid in Poughkeepsie to post her train wreck photos.
Marvelous Mayhem
I think my perception of obviously idiotic Gatherites may be at fault as I had always assumed they were animal. Since they are clearly not intelligent enough to be trees, could they actually be mineral?
Logical Deduction
Please tell Frenetic Questioner that she does NOT ... have to kill a relative to give myself more cachet..."
She has plenty of cachet, and I can't afford another conspiracy, racketeering, multiple felony trial.
Records Expunged At Last
Frenetic: Wait until Kate is asleep and then we can discuss this further. In the meantime, you might start researching famous criminals that lived where your ancestors did, and then find a postcard with unintelligible scrawls that could be interpreted as "My ancestor, Occupant Smith, here, received this bit of bulk mail from the hand of the murderous landlord of the apartment complex he stayed at three years before the famous crime was committed." Peter will adore you.
"...Do you believe that, in our lifetimes, we will see a cure for the horrible condition of Noodlemania? "
Please invite "Skeptical Pasta Manx" to join our new Gather charity, "Hire an Editor".
With the end of the red-tinged Hallmark icons, we could adopt a bearded man on the beach icon and donate our gather Points to the banal writers who desperately need an editor.
Brevity is the Only Wit
...find a postcard with unintelligible scrawls that could be interpreted as "My ancestor"..."
I may have to borrow Twisted Sister's Poise Pads.
You have a wonderful sense of humor, and I apologize for complaining about waiting for your (creaky) responses.
Chuckling in Chelsea
I am concerned that if bearded men on beaches become the Icon Du Jour my childhood allergy to dead dogs (and the Tankas they inspire,) will return. Please use your hedgehog powers to stop this.
Itchy & Scratchy
Joy, a little R&D will turn those tankas to tankards and that helps to wash away a lot of troubling concerns.
If I continue tio type one-handed si I can hold the baby, will people assume my poor tyring indicates that I am foreign? Will that get me GM Lupo's attention?
Typing Troubles
\runs
With my recent time off, my movie addiction has returned full force. I'm now freebasing comedies. Can I transform this vice into a lucretive job with IMDB? Or will I be doomed to a rehabilitation where I am forced to watch political debates?
Quivering and Nauseous
I think "Itchy and Scratchy" is being unreasonable.
Thousands of "Friends" adore the icon of the bearded man on a beach.
Can hundreds of gushing commenters with little sense and no literary skill be wrong?
Flustered in the Flatiron
I quite agree with the charming woman hugging a tree.
"I sorely wish this wasn't the final edition :( "
What shall we do with our grief?
Grieving in Grammercy
What's the metric weight of Montana?
Tell Grieving he thinks he has it bad? This also my first Ask the Hedgehog.
Sniffling in Santa Fe
Honestly -- responses will have to wait for morning. It's almost 1am here and the funniest thing I can think of is the fact that I have to be up at 6am. ha ha ha *sigh*
Kate is smarter than I am; she's asleep already.
Could you please let Flustered in Flatiron know that while I appreciate a good round of talking about chocolate in Kafka-ian terms as much as the next person, I am neither poetic like the night nor prosaic like the day and, to be perfectly honest, I think I broke my thesaurus while escaping from the JC Penney Bridal Catalogue in 1973.
I will concede to rethinking my position on whether or not 100 random Gathervarians can be consistently "wrong."
Recalcitrant in Reading
(I am a bad The Pants™ - I abused an apostrophe! And added an extra "you"...)
Haha! I'm in a different time zone where it's not yet midnight. However, if I slip into a coma between feedings, will you stick around for a while tomorrow because this was/is a lot of fun and I'm hoping to come up with more questions. K?
Sleepless in the South
Why is Joy chasing me? Is it because I threatened her with thermodynamics? Or is she a member of PETA?
Frightened by the Pants™
" I appreciate a good round of talking about chocolate in Kafka-ian terms as much as the next person..."
Please your vast influence to have "recalcitrant in Reading" made the new Editor of Gather Writing essentials.
She has the appropriate disposition, whcih is the only job qualification.
There are no skills or talents required for this position.
Wishing in Washington Square
How can you think of sleep at a time like this?
Stephanie and Joy are about to start a brawl, and you are climbing the Most Read list.
Doesn't Gather distinction matter to you?
Mystified in Manhattan
How do I explain to Wishing in Washington Square that I am no longer in the financial position to afford the elective lobotomy which would be necessary in order to be considered for the position of Editor of "Gather Writing Essentials"?
Po' in Paola
I certainly hope that you plan to answer these inquiries tomorrow.
You are only giving us FIVE DAYS in which to plumb the vast stores of Hedgehog Wisdom TM?
Unbowed in Union Square
Please explain to "Po' in Paola" that riches are not required for the Writing essential Editorial position.
Why, one woman wore the same dress for two years.
Hopeful in Hoboken
Mystified accused you of thinking about sleeping. As a new mom, I have to ask if thinking about sleeping is any substitute for actual sleeping as I have plenty of the former but am desperately short of the latter. Is it?
Still Sleepless
Would you like us to keep posting questions until you log on again in about seven hours?
Determined to Reach a Hundred Comments
When I went ot look at the ratings for this article, i discovered that yiou do not appear.
Is this because you are flagged?
Other articles in the top twenty have fewer comments.
Does Gather discount colorful, inventive, expressive prose?
Questioning in Queens
Where have you been that you have to ask that question?
Bothered and Bewildered
Were I to become the actual Editortrix of Gather Writing Essentials, would I have any real powers, such as smiting those who annoy me or making people employ the essentials of writing? In short, could I somehow use this position for both good and evil or is that yet another impossible dream?
Curious in Catskill
Given your propensity for mealworms, how do you keep your round cuddly figure? I thought mealworms were low in fat and high in exoskeleton.
Another Rounder
Please tell the confrontive "Bothered and Bewildered" that I have been traveling through Oblivion for the past year.
The sights (and the sites) are lovely.
Bonkers in Brooklyn
I, too, was gamboling through the Most Disgust area. There are some real winners on that list.
Weirded Out in Wappingers Falls
"Piled High" wants to score big on the GRE.
I scored big by undergoing a refresher in basic geometry (all those rules for calculating angles, etc) and by taking large quantities of drugs.
Piled High has great writing and vocabulary skills.
Not worried in Newfoundland
Please ask Bonkers if he traveled Oblivion via colored train.
Rainbow Challenged
While I am not a hedgehog (I am The Pants™) allow me to field this one, since Hedgehog is slumbering.
I would guess the son is close in size to his friend, maybe? When picking him up, I would take him some new clothes, but probably not worry for now.
Also a Mom in Memphis
My daughter told me that I was kind of ugly. I am hurt even though she qualified the statement with "no offense." I know that I am not as young as I once was but I thought a daughter was supposed to always see her mother as beautiful, regardless of the truth.
This came up during a conversation about how being a beautiful person on the inside was more important than being a beautiful person on the outside in which I accused her of acting like Nellie Oleson.
I have a not-quite-asleep baby on my arm. I'm hungry, tired and I need to pee. Can I blame Gather or George Bush?
Looking for Scapegoats
I worry constantly about this step backwards we have taken in transportation. I could be wrong, but don't most trains run on coal and belch black smoke into the air? While this might be lovely for the economy of my hometown in SW Pennsylvania, I worry that if this is a trend of sorts, soon I will expected to wear hoop skirts or bustles.
Have you considered this at all or am I being reactionary?
Worried in Walla Walla
I think that I might enjoy being a serial killer but I'm worried about getting caught. What should I do?
Hateful in Missouri
How can I explain o Andrea that it only gets worse from here. Today, she' ugly. In a few years, she'll be stupid, too, with bad taste in clothes and music. (Although that Nellie Olson remark was way harsh).
Been There Done That
Dear Hateful in Missouri:
Easy -- don't get caught.
I'll try to help in Hedgehog's absence. Take out lawyers and politicians. You'll be a hero and get your face carved on a mountain.
Working Out the Kinks