The Paths to Internet Fame

"Scream at the top of your lungs until someone pays attention." That's great advice if you've fallen down a well or an elevator shaft. If you're a parent with young children, it's the instinctive reaction all toddlers have when placed in the child seat of a grocery cart. Not surprisingly, this method of attracting attention has found another application in the digital age: becoming famous on the internet.

Like callers at a traveling digital sideshow, writers, musicians, actors, and artists have all set up booths along the information super-midway with the hopes of attracting enough support to turn their online obsessions into real world careers. Not surprising, the resulting cacophony of people screaming for attention online has grown exponentially over the years, so much so that the simple act of screaming isn't enough anymore.

So how do budding internet celebrities attract attention to themselves these days? There are four proven methods:

"Start screaming before anyone else" There's an old saying: the pioneers get the arrows while the settlers get the land. While this adage was largely proven true during the dotcom bust of the 90s, the opposite can be said of the pioneers of blogging, podcasting, and internet humor. Pioneers in these fields had the advantage of attracting an audience when they didn't have to contend with any established sites or personalities. Although they did have to build an audience when there was no audience, so you have to give them credit for that. This may look like an easy path to internet stardom but unless you have a time machine you've pretty much missed out on this one. Of course you probably won't mind it much since you have a time machine, and a time machine is infinitely more awesome than having a popular blog. Those of us without time machines are doubly hosed, so try not to rub it in.

"Be famous before you start screaming" Again, not too helpful for those without an audience who are hoping to build one, but numerous celebrities have managed to cash in their real world celebrity status for internet clout. The exchange rate is quite favorable too, so even minor celebrities like Wil Wheaton and Tom Green have managed to exchange an ounce of real world celebrity for a metric ton of internet clout.

"Scream like an idiot" - Besides providing websites which foster the knowledge of strategic browser cookie deletion in teenage boys, the internet also provides another vital necessity: the virtual freak show. Granted, poking fun at people with severe physical defects fell out of fashion in the early 1900s, but the freaks of the internet attract attention not for their grotesque appearance but for their lacking of a common human trait. Specifically, they have no shame. Because of this, we now know that we should all just leave Britney alone, there's a girl out there who has a crush on Obama, and most importantly, when singing about chocolate rain it's necessary to move away from the mic to breathe in. This may also explain why there are so damn many people blogging about politics.

"Scream well and scream often" Of the methods presented, this is probably the slowest method to securing internet fame, but those who have done it properly have found long term sustainable success. Internet success stories like Ask a Ninja, Jonathan Coulton, and Homestar Runner have basically grown from this method of repeatable success that leads to increased popularity via word of mouth.

Since I am neither internet famous or regular famous (yes, it was quite a shock to me as well), my available paths for achieving internet fame is either scream like an idiot or scream well and often. Currently I've opted for the latter method as it is only a forfeiture of time and not a forfeiture of dignity, but that's not to say I won't change my mind.