It's time for "Ask Monsieur Wineau", a question and answer column by the man who is perhaps the World's Greatest Authority on wine. Perhaps.
Dear M. Wineau,
I am a waiter in a very upscale restaurant. Sometimes a customer will ask me to describe a wine I've never tasted before, probably because it's way out of my price range. I don't want to lie, but I don't want to appear stupid either. What should I do?
Tasteless in Toledo
Dear Tasteless,
Just say it has "hints of currant". This will work with anything--Bordeaux, Pinot, Merlot, Chardonnay, even Riesling. Nobody I know has ever intentionally tasted a currant so you ought to be safe with that.
Dear M. Wineau,
More and more wines these days come with screw tops. What is the proper protocol for serving wine with a screw top?
Puzzled in Parsippany
Dear Puzzled,
As with any wine you should serve screw-top wine at the right temperature. You can find the correct temperature on the thermometer inside the cooler at the 7-11 when you purchase the bottle. Proper chilling is so important with this variety that it should be consumed immediately, ideally in the parking lot. If you do take it home to serve to guests, make sure to allow them to sniff the cap before pouring, or, in the absence of glasses, passing around.
Dear M. Wineau,
I am getting married in two weeks and haven't bought the wine yet. We have around 200 guests coming and our budget is $500, max. Also, we can't decide whether to serve white, red or both. Help!
Engaged in Encino
Dear Engaged,
Given your budget my advice is to hire a very loud rock band so that no one actually stays for the reception after your ceremony. If you insist on serving wine, I'd recommend the Chateau Vieux Espadrille which comes in a convenient 55 gallon drum in either red or white (or rosé, which is a 50/50 mixture of red and white).
Dear M. Wineau,
Can you recommend any good wines from New Zealand?
Curious in Chattanooga
Dear Curious,
There are no good wines from New Zealand. That is because there are no actual people in New Zealand, only sheep. This explains why many wines from New Zealand taste like wool.
Dear M. Wineau,
What exactly is "blush" wine? Does it make you blush?
Pondering in Petaluma
Dear Pondering,
No, it doesn't make you blush, but my cousin Henri brought over a few bottles last weekend and we all ended up with a wicked case of the farts.
Dear M. Wineau,
I recently purchased a very expensive bottle of Chateau Rongeur Glissante '84. It cost me so much I am somewhat reluctant to open it, however, I am dying to know what it tastes like. Can you help me out?
Impecunious in Indianapolis
Dear Impecunious,
It tastes a lot like the '83, but with more currant.
Dear M. Wineau,
I am attending a "wine tasting party" with a cute girl I just met. What is the correct way to taste wine at these events?
Clueless in Cazenovia
Dear Clueless,
First, you swill the wine around in the glass, being careful not to spill any. Then, insert your nose into the glass and inhale deeply. This is the "bouquet". Next, take a full mouthful of wine and swish it around in your mouth. Finally, spit the wine into the jug that is provided, being extremely careful not to get any on your date's nice white blouse.
Dear M. Wineau,
How can I remove disgusting red wine stains from what was once my nicest white blouse?
Simmering in Skaneateles
Dear Simmering,
You can't. Dye it black and forget him.
Dear M. Wineau,
I have heard the term "oenophile" to describe wine-lovers. Is that the same as a "pedophile"?
Inquiring in Iowa
Dear Inquiring,
You are confusing "pedophile" with "podophile", which is one who has an interest in feet. Yes, oenophilia and podophilia are closely related as both are highly dependent on the sense of smell. A variation of this is my cousin Marcel who is a "biblio-oeno-podophile", meaning "a person who loves to read books about wine while turning the pages with his feet".
Dear M. Wineau,
I am an attractive widow, slender, with big blue eyes and a playful nature. My deceased husband left me a fortune and over 100,000 bottles of very expensive wine in our cellar. What should I do? Should I auction it off? Donate it to charity? Please help me, I am all alone and it is so hard to decide.
Unfulfilled in Undercliff
Dear Unfulfilled,
I'll be right over.
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Comments: 53
Salacious in Socal
Kristina
What wine-in-a-box- may lack in subtlety, it more than makes up for in stackability. I can fit over 100 litres in the back of my Citroen.
M. Wineau
My personal preference is the classic two-pronged extractor. It takes practice to master, however, the practicing can be an enjoyable part of the experience.
If she has a screw-top, so much the easier, however, you might consider frequenting a better class of sorority.
M. Wineau
Very funny :P
What is your opinion about "white wine spritzers"? I hear they are making a comeback.
I am unfamiliar with the White Wine Spritzer. Perhaps it is a relative of the Schnauzer? I was bitten in the leg recently whilst taking out the recycling, I had thought it was a Schnauzer but it could have been a Spritzer, it had a hell of a bite.
And you sir are out of your frigging mind.
Thanks.
But, there are great wines from New Zealand (the "new Chile") and they do not taste like wool.
When describing these wines, one notes the faint fragrance of kiwi.
Wine Spritzers were recently implicated in an undercover operation involving high-class call girls.
Is keeping a bottle of wine in the paper bag from the liquor store necessary while swigging directly from the bottle in an alley, or is that just putting on airs? Stinky Pete and Three Toed Larry have been arguing this for a while, and it's severely messing with my buzz. Please advise.
M. Katz, you forgot Ronsonol and Zippo.
Sharon, I must visit Cleveland. I had no idea it was a wine region.
M. Wineau
Monsieur Wimsey, you have piqued my interest in the Wine Spritzer, I must try it the next time I have $4,000 available.
Mlle. Cranky-Pants, undoubtedly Messrs. Pete and Larry are better interpreters than I of the local protocol...however my guess is that they can use a little airing out.
M. Wineau
Regarding those hints of currant: what kind of currant are we talking about? Currant (Zante) grapes, blackcurrant, or redcurrant? While I admit I've never tasted any of these in wine (except for my grandmother's redcurrant wine ... er, but we don't talk about that, or the plum palinka, or the peach palinka... or the cherry palinka...) Where was I? Oh, yes--with all due respect, I'd like to point out that these different kinds if currants all taste quite different.
I'm looking forward to you clarification on this matter.
Currently Currantless in California
Unfortunately, Monsieur Wineau had to return to his suite at Betty Ford so I am afraid the answer to your excellent question will remain a mystery to his readers.
M. Towne
What is the proper response, when your friend brings over a bottle of wine to share at dinner, but your really don't like the taste of it?
Sincerely,
Confused.
Excuse my delay, the checkout process at the Hôtel Betty Ford is a disgrace.
The proper response is to pour it into the nearest plant. Even bad wines contain many essential plant nutrients.
M. Wineau
Can you recommend a wine for me that is best consumed on the second floor balcony of a beachfront Best Western in Daytona Beach? I heard good things about "Chateau Le Frat Boy" but I heard it from a Delta Tau, and everyone knows those guys are just a bunch of posers.
I should also add that I intend to drink using a giant funnel rather than a fluted wine glass.
Sincerely,
Go Bucks! Woohoo!!!
That would depend on the time of day. Chateau Frat Boy is an excellent breakfast wine. For lunch I would recommend a '93 Wet T-Shirt, and for evenings I'd suggest whatever they have left at the Piggly Wiggly, provided you are still conscious.
M. Wineau
(I hope that's the right way of saying it. I copied it from another thread.)
Alas, I am exposed as a fraud. It was bound to happen. I suppose it's back to the Hôtel Ford for me, a pity as the wine selection there is extremely limited.
M. Wineau
I have several fine recommendations, however, my attorney informs me that you must complete a 32-page suitability questionnaire before I can give them to you.
Mlle. Aniko,
You are obviously a person of taste and distinction. And check out the $2.50 1.5 ML Boones Farm special on the Safeway middle shelf...it's a steal!
M. Wineau
Thank you for that suggestion. That sounds exactly like what I've been looking for.
Aniko
Big Mac?
Six Dollar Burger?
A Mouton-Lafitte-Pepto-Bismol '06 would pair nicely with those entrees.
M. Wineau
I have a really nice Chateau Box. Two questions. Should I decant it and what type of cheese do you recommend serving with it?
Mlle. Hodge,
Chateau Box can be decanted safely provided you wear a surgical mask and stay away from an open flame.
I recommend pairing it with Kraft Easy Cheese, Cheez-Its, Cheez-Waffies or similarly brightly-colored snacks with catchy names.
You've been such a great help in your area of wine expertise and, as a man of the world, I'm hoping you might be able to help me with another dilemma I have. My cat, Josephine, is a devout environmentalist. She will only eat organic pureed food and will only drink purified water from recycled plastic dishes. After hearing that her favorite tree in the neighborhood is going to be cut down, she has built a tree house and is now squatting in protest. Jane Fonda is en route to organize a sit in (or sit out as the case may be). What do I do? Do I support Josephine in her efforts or do I try to talk her down?
Signed,
Basket full of Kittens
P.S. Also -------st Airlines lost my luggage, has not found it, and will not compensate me for it. I deeply lament the loss of a gourd lamp, which I think will really pay off on Ebay. The Ombudsman from a certain travel magazine has not been any help. Any strings you can pull in that area would be greatly appreciated. Merci.
Apparently you have ignored my advice to wear a surgical mask when decanting your Chateau Box. I am not responsible for the consequences.
And by the way I believe I saw your cat on eBay under the listing "L00k!!!!AMAZING SOUTHWESTERN CAT GOURD LAMP NEW IN BOX!!!!WOW!!!
Is it true that your theme song is "What's the Word? Thunderbird!"
Curious on the Coast
Thanks. That actually helps a lot, believe it or not. But what am I to do about Jane Fonda? She hates the Chateau Box and the cheese selections you recommended are, according to Jane, "just not up to snuff."
Actually my theme song is "99 Bottles of Hermitage La Chapelle '49 On The Wall" but I will consider your kind suggestion.
M. Wineau
I believe the wisest course of action with Mlle. Fonda would involve duct tape.
M. Wineau
Pretty much any wine will go with any beer. The important thing is to thoroughly cleanse the palette between sipping the two.
For cleansing I recommend equal parts 2,4-D and and 2,4,5-T dissolved in water, with a dash of dioxin. This makes an excellent palette cleaning agent, and is also an effective defoliant.
There was, but unfortunately they all died and my cousin Marcel is the only one left.
M. Wineau