My friend has a son the same age as mine.
My son is into skateboarding, sports, and swimming. He plays video games but not daily. Let's say he plays maybe 1 hour a week .I have three children. If my children want something expensive they do not always get it. If clothing must be name brand or over 20.00 for pants for example, they must earn this himself.
My friends son plays video games 24/7. He is an only child and very spoiled.
If he wants anything the mother or grandmother will buy it, no questions asked, regardless of price.
(Ipod,laptop,video game systems,games,televisions,you name it)
ALL none of my business, and I only mention this to paint a picture of these two children.
My son is not perfect, he is the average 13 year old boy.
I will call the child Tom.
Tom invites himself to spend the night, or has several times in the past. If I said no, he would try to ask my husband. Twice, my husband did not know I had already said no, and he said yes. I was busy and had went to the store. I later learned
my children did not even him the child to sleep over, nor did they wish to have him as a guest.
Not knowing this, my husband said yes. I found out an hour later, and let him spend the night because he was already here. Now we (my husband & I) are aware of this child's tactic's. It will not happen again.
Weeks later my son tells me he does not really like this boy. He explains that he throws tantrums, calls him names and tries to force him to be his friend. He has also told other neighborhood boys he does not like my son, and called him names to these other children. (supposedly)
He adds details about the spend the night issue, I understand but care for the child's feelings.
I do not want my children to be rude to other children. I tell my son I cannot force him to be someone's friend if he does not like them .I explain he can say hello, be polite and keep his distance. He said when he is outside the child follows him, making it hard to be nice. He asks how he should deal with this situation.
I tell him he needs to learn how to deal with these things in life. That this will not be the first time he needs to figure something out. I let him know it is not acceptable for him to be rude. I suggest that he be brief, tell the child that he is going to do "" (whatever it is he is doing) and then he is allowed to walk away. He can come into the house, go to the park, anything except saying something mean or rude.
My dilemma. The child continued to follow my son around, after several days of him trying these polite tactics. The child complained to his mother that my son did not want to play video games with him. The mother stood watching her son try to talk to mine from some distance away. The mother comes to me complaining that Tom was calling my son's name from about 50-75 yards away. She said my son heard Tom, ignored him and walked the opposite way, all the way around the complex. Until she finally saw him enter our house. She was upset that he did not want to talk to her son, stated that she did not like my son because she does not like anyone who is mean to her child.
Now, my problem is this. I do not think you can force your children to be friends at this age. I understand why my son does not like this child.Still, I feel sorry for the boy.
I explained as politely as possible exactly that to the mother. I also told her that I would rather my son walked away, than if he told him something nasty. The conversation went well.
Now a few days have passed by. I talked to my son about the situation, he did not even know what I was talking about. He did not hear Tom. He did say that he has (previously) just told him he was going to the park, but came home instead. He was trying to do what I told him to do. (instead of being rude or nasty)
I do not think I should be that involved with this issue. I am not going to force my son to be friends with someone. I think this is something they can deal with.
My son is the quiet type. He is not a big talker.
My son is pretty upset & it is obvious to him this parent does not like him. He does not understand how an adult, a parent can try to force him to be Tom's friend.
I did tell my son its natural for a parent to care about her child's feelings. Beyond that, I am not sure what else to do.
I would love some opinions on this from other parents.
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Comments: 37
I have this same situation happen alot. It is my hubby's niece. The mother doesn't want to listen and continues any drama to the point where she will blame everything on someone else just for people to feel sorry for her.
I had a friend growing up who she and I were like two pea's in a pod but for some crazy reason her parents did not like me .. nothing I had done just they didn't like me. The crazy mom actually called my dad with lies and bs .. and said she and I could not be friends. She and I stayed friends at school and on the bus but after that we had to split. We lost touch for a few years and I ran into her last year .. she was now working as a stripper and has two fatherless kids by two different men .. yet her mother thinks I was the bad influence? Oh well ... the kid may just not know how to act around other kids. Maybe he just doesn't have the experience of close relationships and is trying to reach out to your son but doesn't know how..
good luck anyhow!
But my son doesn't like him and I basically told him the same thing. You aren't going to be friends with everyone and that is okay. You do not have to like him just don't be mean or rude.
The lady is a neighbor and friend in passing (one might say)
Someone who I say hello to and have coffee with once a month.
I did not want her son to have hurt feelings, but...am irritated and feel she is forcing these kids to be friends (or trying to). I have a feeling she wants me to FORCE my son to hang out with this boy. Its just not going to happen.
Thanks for the fresh opinion. I like to hear all sides and that is why I posted this. :-)
I was also trying to be nice to both the lady & her son, but......now that I have had time to think. I believe I was "expected" to force my son to be friends with this child.
If I had came to my mother, at this age and complained that another kid did not want to hang out with me, she would have told me straight out....if he does not want to be your friend, its his loss and stay away from him/her. Or, she would have told me to deal with it on my own.
I do not think its an issue I should even know about...in a way.
I would also love to hear how you would deal with this issue.
This is NOT the end of it for me. I am trying to think things over before I discuss things further with this parent. As I said above, I feel now like this woman wants me to force my son to be friends with this kid. My son never did like him much. He has been civil to him, but says the kid throws tantrums, acts like he is 10...and more...
Please tell us what you think.
I am not done replying to comments :-)
I kind of stopped myself to be as honest or free, with my own opinion, for a few reasons.
Most of this was I feel sorry for the kid, as his father died when he was very small & his mom has a terminal illness. But then, I think what will this poor kid do when his mother is gone. (if she does not let him do anything on his own now)
She is pressing the issue, and clearly wants me to do something. Thanks for the insight.
This child lives across from us, so he is always around or in sight.
Thanks for commenting!
This became an issue when the child knocked at my door 5x within an hour.
Eventually, it evolved because my son did his own thing, while the other child kept complaining to his mother.
I will be very happy when it is a dead issue.
I do not think I should be involved, or the other mother.
If my son was calling the kid names or being a bully, I would step in and stop him.
All he wants is to be left alone and he has handled himself well so far.
I have a hunch the mother will be coming to me again soon, so I wanted to think it over. It does help to hear from others.
That parent you spoke of sounds like a nightmare. You were probably better off not having to deal with her, once it was all over.
In this case, I think the child cannot keep friends because of the way he acts. (tantrums,name calling, ect)
I just did not want him making this kid cry by telling him to "get lost".
There are nicer ways to say things. He had already been telling the boy, "No thanks, I am skateboarding." & I have things planned tomorrow, & do not feel like sleeping over, ect.
Thanks for stopping by & commenting. I am not sure I handled this correctly, I just followed my feelings. I do like to hear other opinions. Sometimes you live and learn, at least I do....lol
I think this child should have gotten the message long ago. It has been beyond pestering and has spanned several months. (of dealing with constant knocks at the door, him pleading to spend the night without an invitation from anyone and more)
He stopped the knocking and the requests, but then solicited his mother to continue on his behalf. I would not have given this a second thought, but was faced with it when the mother brought it up the other day. (to me, when both kids were in school)
I'm old school...not into modernity or political correctness...don't buy into psychological mumbo-jumbo. I don't care how everybody else is raising their' children and I know that I'm not attuned to modern ways that's why I didn't offer any advise it would be out-dated by today's standards. They work for me because I could care less what other people are doing...my children are my responsibility.
Since you asked...I'll state my position on it simply. My child doesn't want to be friends with a certain person, for whatever reason, he or she doesn't have to...and their' parent better not come and hassle me about it.
About the being rude thing...were an unwanted person to be following my child...any of them (5)...they'd just tell the person, "Listen, don't be following around...okay" (emphasis on the 'okay') but, than again, we're ghetto and I make no apologies for it. Straight talkers...say what you mean and mean what you say.
'She said my son heard Tom, ignored him and walked the opposite way,'
' ...stated that she did not like my son because she does not like anyone who is mean to her child.'
You don't wanna know my responses to this...'cause, I'm all about rude when people get up in my face with trifling stuff.
I'm not confrontational, but, don't get confrontatonal with me.
Bebe,
I'll give you my wife's reaction upon hearing this:
'stated that she did not like my son'
"Oh, hell no! Now I just know (emphasis on the 'know') you didn't go there...Oh, it's on...it is definitely on." Lol.
I'd initially try to convey to the parent what Dena said,
'some people just weren't meant to be their friends.'
Now, if the parent didn't understand this...well, that would be unfortunate. Let me clarify one thing...if a mother comes over...my wife would handle it. Even as she is delivering her complaint I'd call out to me wife...an tell the lady, "Talk to my wife."
Now, I just opened up with rude...so you know what to expect."
Ever see the show "Good Times"? Well, even though we're not everyone that knows my wife and I say we are Esther Rolle and John Amos to a tee.
All the fathers in the neighborhood know me or at least know about me. They'd probably deliver their' complaint over the phone. Mr. Rogers does not reside at our' address.
You, probably handled it correctly...it's just not how I would handle it.
My kids didn't say No to drugs by skating around the issue.
"Man, get that stuff outta my face!"
THIS IS THE ONLY WAY I COULD REMEMBER TO ANSWER EACH COMMENT. :-)
They work for me because I could care less what other people are doing...my children are my responsibility.-----
TRUE. Our children are our responsibility.
Since you asked...I'll state my position on it simply. My child doesn't want to be friends with a certain person, for whatever reason, he or she doesn't have to...and their' parent better not come and hassle me about it.----------------------------------
I AM GLAD you came back to state your views. See, my first insinct was to feel like my son just does not HAVE to be friends with anyone.
I would not have given it a second though, except the mother came with this to me.
I was trying to be polite, instead of being straight out. I am much more the straight out type. (if there is such a thing) My crime is usually in being too blunt.
I was trying to remain civil, as this is someone I have to see almost daily or more.
But, this may have been my mistake.
'She said my son heard Tom, ignored him and walked the opposite way,'
' ...stated that she did not like my son because she does not like anyone who is mean to her child.'
You don't wanna know my responses to this...'cause, I'm all about rude when people get up in my face with trifling stuff.
I'm not confrontational, but, don't get confrontatonal with me.------------------------
I WAS NOT PLEASED, BUT TAKEN OFF GUARD WITH THESE COMMENTS.
It kind of shocked me at the time. Looking back I am kind of glad I did not tell her where she could go, and in another way I regret holding myself back.
Bebe,
I'll give you my wife's reaction upon hearing this:
'stated that she did not like my son'--------------------------
"Oh, hell no! Now I just know (emphasis on the 'know') you didn't go there...Oh, it's on...it is definitely on." Lol. --------------------------
ROFL....BUT POINT WELL TAKEN :-)
I'd initially try to convey to the parent what Dena said,
'some people just weren't meant to be their friends.'
Now, if the parent didn't understand this...well, that would be unfortunate. Let me clarify one thing...if a mother comes over...my wife would handle it. Even as she is delivering her complaint I'd call out to me wife...an tell the lady, "Talk to my wife."
Now, I just opened up with rude...so you know what to expect."------------------------
MY HUSBAND WOULD PROBABLY DO THE SAME THING FOR THE SAME REASONS. ACTUALLY, HE IS MUCH NICER THAN I AM BLUNT WISE.
Ever see the show "Good Times"? Well, even though we're not everyone that knows my wife and I say we are Esther Rolle and John Amos to a tee.
ROFL....I CAN PICTURE THIS. ;-)
All the fathers in the neighborhood know me or at least know about me. They'd probably deliver their' complaint over the phone. Mr. Rogers does not reside at our' address.----
NOW THIS HAD ME ROLLING ON THE FLOOR.
MY HUSBAND IS AN EX USMC DRILL INSTRUCTOR, ALTHOUGH I THINK HE HOLDS BACK IN FEAR OF WHAT HE MIGHT SAY OR DO.
You, probably handled it correctly...it's just not how I would handle it.
------------------------
I THINK I DID OKAY. BUT, THERE ARE SOME THINGS I SHOULD HAVE BEEN MORE UPFRONT ABOUT. IF THIS MOTHER COMES TO ME AGAIN, OR WANTS TO SPEAK MORE ON THIS (I AM ALMOST POSITIVE SHE WILL)
I PLAN TO GO WITH MY FIRST INSTINCT LIKE I SHOULD HAVE.
I WILL T-R-Y TO SAY THINGS AS CIVIL AS POSSIBLE...but if she is offended, so be it.
My kids didn't say No to drugs by skating around the issue.
"Man, get that stuff outta my face!" --------------------
I THINK I SHOULD CORRECT SOME OF WHAT I TOLD MY SON.....BECAUSE THIS IS VERY TRUE. IF HE IS MORE DIRECT, WITHOUT CALLING THE KID "who knows what", a good LOOK, DON'T BOTHER ME...or other direct answer will probably turn this into a dead issue.
I really do not want to be bothered with stupid petty b.s that is between two 13 year old boys.
Even if you do not agree with me Felix, or anyone BTW, I still want to hear from you. In this case, I ignored my first instinct. Although its okay to not want to hurt someone's feelings, being more direct with this issue would have saved me (and my son) some serious grief.
THANKS SO MUCH FOR COMMENTING AGAIN!
JOY
I understand this fully,
'BUT TAKEN OFF GUARD WITH THESE COMMENTS '
Sometimes you're taken by surprise by something...after a while...you say, "What the bleep was that about?
MY HUSBAND WOULD PROBABLY DO THE SAME THING FOR THE SAME REASONS. ACTUALLY, HE IS MUCH NICER
Same here...but, my wife get's it right away and has no qualms about letting the person know it. My wife will mount a show in mid-mall. Show? A SPECTACLE...I'm embarrassed by it.
Correction: Well, even though we're not (black) everyone. My daughters, incidently, say Bill Cosby reminds them of me. I have a knack for making them laugh. People say there is always laughter coming out of my home. They all approve at the sound of laughter.
'IN FEAR OF WHAT HE MIGHT SAY OR DO.'
My wife and children keep me in the dark about certain things for the very same reason. I don't like it, "Why wasn't I told about this." They'll say something to the effect of: "Because, we want you here at home and not in jail."
Joy, I, too don't like to hurt people's feelings...sometimes it haunts me for years...and I so wish I could take it back. Too late...I have to live with the guilt, but, this is usually something the person didn't deserve or maybe deserved it but I over did it. I think one should be firm but maintain control of the words one chooses to convey the message. I never, ever use foul language...an expletive, perhaps...like hell...but, this is not directed at the person.
My demeanor conveys a lot and I don't even know it...I get red and my face sort of tells people...hmmm, should I continue? I dont'try to look angry or intimidating but somehow it registers that way. My daughters can spot it a block away and quickly ad lib an intervention, before the lid blows.
I once took my wife to work and as I was dropping her off at the train station some car came within inches of hitting her...they didn't stop for the light and turned at the corner where we were. I was with my son, also...I told my wife to take him out of the car. I went down the block following them...there were about three or four guys in the car...they stopped and started to get out of the car. I stopped my car and started to get out of my car...for some reason they looked toward me and all got back into the car and sped off. Don't ask me why...my son never forgot that. I remember one of the people waiting at the bus stop which is by the train say, "Damn, dude, who those guys think you were...Clark Kent."
I should tell you that many people have confused me with an undercover cop through the years. Now what an undercover cop looks like...totally escapes me. but, apparently, I look like one. This might explain that incident...but, hey, I'll take any day over going to jail or a hospital. Lol.
Regards,
Doyle I <~~~~~
There is a limit to being civil, thats for sure.
Avoiding confrontation does NOT always work with me either, obviously. lol
Your wife sounds a bit like myself, and am usually a totally upfront person. This article was my, "what the bleep is this about" thought. I have not yet ran into this mother/neighbor since. I have been known to make a spectacle of myself when I have had enough. I was trying not to "go there", but alas....ahhhh I may have too.
(to end this issue)
My demeanor must show often how I am feeling. I have been told, you can read what kind of mood I am in by the look on my face. (Not always a good thing...rofl)
The train station incident cracked me up! You probably had quite a look on your face!!
As for being mistaken for an undercover cop, you must convey a "NO BULLSHIT" status with your presence. I would love to have that. :-)
This son of mine is just growing up, by the time my daughter reaches 13 I will have had more practice. lol
Thanks for commenting. That is pretty much my point of view. I would have NEVER came to my parents with this crap.
I was shocked when this mother came to me.
If I was that kid, I would be embarrassed.
Thanks for your comments. I will be talking to this mother again soon.
I am not easily intimidated, and am not intimidated by this parent.
I was trying to be as nice as I could, but I see that will not be effective without more directness. I'd better stick to my usual straight out self....lol
She didn't thankfully.
FELIX, you sound just like my father and my husband.
Good luck!!!