by Laura C.
Member since:
August 9, 2006

I thought you loved me...

April 16, 2008 12:38 PM EDT
views: 289 | comments: 136
You're supposed to love me more than anyone else...after all, i've know you longer than i've know anyone in my life...I want to believe it, but how you treat me most of the time really makes me wonder....you rarely support me....

You knew that "J" was beating me....you covered the black eyes with make-up...you were there in the emergency room with me more than once....did you try and help? NO you didn't.....did you tell anyone who could have or would have helped me? NO you didn't....I don't understand that...did you even ONCE try and get me to leave, to stand up for myself...to save myself? no, not even once.  You didn't try and help...

You knew more than once that various boyfriends where cheating on me....did you give me a heads-up?  NO you didn't....did you confront them with what you knew? NO you didn't...you just let in go on and let and then when I was left heartbroken and devastated you acted like I deserved it...I don't understand how or why you could do that.

You know that I have very little money...and you know that I have this giving heart that gets me into trouble....did you ever once tell me I should say no?  NO you didn't...you just let me give and give until I was in debt...and when these "friends" didn't pay me back all you could say was "I told you so" even though you NEVER did.

You knew me back before I gained weight....you knew me when I was really healthy.  I know you saw the weight coming on, but did you even once try and talk to me about it? NO you didn't.  You just looked the other way when the number on the scale and the pant size kept creeping up....You didn't seem to care that my health was being affected....what kind of a person does that?  you....I really always thought you loved me...but the way you treat me doesn't show love...shows just the opposite..hate...and you have no reason to hate me.....what have I done to you that is so horrible that you treat me with such disdain?

you know who you are.....you're "ME"
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Comments: 136

jessica s. Apr 16, 2008, 1:08pm EDT
thats really great, and very true! its always hardest to tell ourselves what to do.
Chelsea R. Apr 16, 2008, 1:48pm EDT
interesting read! i agree with jessica!
Dena A. Apr 16, 2008, 2:38pm EDT
Wow .. thats so true. I have been in your shoes too with the abusive husband and giving heart ... thanks for reminding us all we need to take care of ourselves!
Laura C. Apr 16, 2008, 2:39pm EDT
thank you both! yes it is...I've always thought I really loved myself...but now i'm actually getting there..
Cheryl W. Apr 16, 2008, 2:46pm EDT
Very powerful read, Laura...and filled with so much truth. How easy it is to avoid ourselves sometimes.
Laura C. Apr 16, 2008, 2:48pm EDT
thank you Dena and Cheryl, I appreciate it. i'm trying to take care of myself better now...going to weight watchers is a start, and being VERY VERY careful of who I date is another way...
Randall C. Apr 16, 2008, 6:54pm EDT
surprise ending!!
Laura C. Apr 16, 2008, 11:13pm EDT
I know..it just came to me to word it that way LOL
Amy H. Apr 16, 2008, 11:33pm EDT
Thanks for posting this to the group:wecommentback.gather.com!
We want to let you know that your content is important to us!
And we gave your content a 10. If you allowed ratings!
Trish A. Apr 17, 2008, 2:46am EDT
This is excellent, so self-aware. I wish you the best luck in gifting yourself with loving yourself. Thanks for sharing this.
Laura C. Apr 17, 2008, 7:56am EDT
thank you Trish...i'm glad you liked it.
Laura C. Apr 17, 2008, 11:59am EDT
thank you...i'm really trying....i'm happier right now than i've been in a really long time.
Pie S. Apr 17, 2008, 12:23pm EDT
awesome article.Speaks to me in many different levels ;)
Laura C. Apr 17, 2008, 12:23pm EDT
thank you....i'm glad to hear that...I hope you're taking better care of yourself too...
Jennifer M. Apr 17, 2008, 5:12pm EDT
Thanks for sharing your pain. It is always harder to help yourself then others....Glad you have found your selfworth.
Laura C. Apr 17, 2008, 6:52pm EDT
thanks...i'm trying to..it's a work in progress...
Michael P. Apr 17, 2008, 11:47pm EDT
I just wanted you to know I think you are so honest and beautiful..such a sweet and sincere lady
Laura C. Apr 18, 2008, 12:56am EDT
you're really sweet...hopefully someday you can convince the fellas in michigan about that LOL
Wayne P. Apr 18, 2008, 1:37am EDT
Fraking AWESOME!! I like it.
Laura C. Apr 18, 2008, 1:42am EDT
thanks wayne...that means alot to me.....I was hoping you'd get a chance to read it...
Sue * Apr 19, 2008, 11:50pm EDT
I'm glad I found this, it is harder now to keep up! I think this shows you are making incredible progress if you have this kind of awareness about yourself. Someone who can speak so strongly, won't let these things happen again. Everyone makes mistakes sometimes, but I can tell you have truly learned from yours. You are a wise woman.
Laura C. Apr 20, 2008, 12:21am EDT
i'm trying to be...I definitely won't let myself be treated so badly again...not by anyone...and hopefully not by myself either...
Nicely done, especially for an introspective article.
Monica R. Apr 26, 2008, 7:46pm EDT
You go girl...been there done that...life is a big roller coaster....
Laura C. Apr 26, 2008, 9:19pm EDT
it sure is...i'm doing better now....taking it day by day....thanks both of you.
really great article.
Laura C. Apr 30, 2008, 8:14pm EDT
thanks Trista
Lina :-p Apr 30, 2008, 10:07pm EDT
Great post, you know we are our own worst enemies some times..
Forgiveness is part of love and that is necessary if you want to do right by yourself in the future..
Laura C. Apr 30, 2008, 11:04pm EDT
I agree..it's an ongoing process....I am doing my best to put myself on my priority list for a change...
Donna Besso May 1, 2008, 1:32pm EDT
I am my own worse enemy, I am trying to change the habit of ingnoring myself.
Ghost Writer May 2, 2008, 12:24am EDT
throw him under the bus he doesn't look like much anyway
Laura C. May 2, 2008, 6:44am EDT
I definitely know how that feels Donna!

i'm not sure who you're talking about Ghost Writer
Bounder .. May 2, 2008, 10:43am EDT
acknowledgement and acceptance of one's weaknesses is the first step to one's cure.
Laura C. May 2, 2008, 11:56pm EDT
I totally agree with you there!!
Laura C. May 4, 2008, 10:08am EDT
thank you Dave, I appreciate that....I love poetry..i'm not sure I have a gift for it though, but I may try....
Laura C. May 4, 2008, 10:45am EDT
that's true....I think my true gift is in humor writing...I love to make people laugh...so I write alot about my bad luck dating....or things that happen in daily life....the last poem I wrote was one with my niece for school...it was about clouds lol
Mariana T. May 6, 2008, 1:16pm EDT
Laura - just know that you are one of a kind, unique and there's no one in the world like you - and you are beautiful - ok - we all have to tell ourselves that and invent our own worlds and not let other people drag us down - I like that you enjoy writing about yourself - it's great therapy and helps you get to know YOU...this was a good piece and it shows that you are aware of your many strengths as well as weaknesses. A big heart is a beautiful thing to have because you'll always be rich! Keep writing and exploring the endless styles of creativity that are inside of you! I wish you all the best. Salud.
Laura C. May 6, 2008, 1:25pm EDT
thank you very much for that....

I write about my life as a bit of a release..it helps to write instead of eat....i'm taking care of my body's health...now i'm trying to take care of my heart's.
Wow Laura. That is pretty powerful writing. At first I thought it was your Mom, sister or best friend. The ending was a surprise but I agree with your writing. There are many things I wish I had done differently, things I KNOW I should have done differently but didn't. Sometimes we are our own worst enemies.
Julie (there will always be a rainbow) G. May 14, 2008, 10:59am EDT
Sad and so true... but now it's time to be the best friend you can be, by forgiving yourself if you have not done so already. Give yourself a hug. You deserve it.
Laura C. May 16, 2008, 6:14pm EDT
i'm still a work in progress...i'm doing my best to be good to me....I don't always succceed though...but i'm trying!!
Patty H. May 16, 2008, 11:48pm EDT
Wonderful writting, thanks for sharing.
Laura C. May 19, 2008, 6:48pm EDT
Thanks for your comment Patty.
Esther IS Flesh and Blood S. May 19, 2008, 6:53pm EDT
Wow Laura!

We have a lot in common. More than you will ever know. I have written two articles that will attest to this.

Glad you are doing better. I still have some way to go in order to be at 100%.
Laura C. May 20, 2008, 6:05pm EDT
I hope you get better too....I'm still a work in progress myself....i've been so hurt, not just by myself, but by men, friends, and life in general that it's taking me a while...but i'm hopeful i'll get there! I hope you do too!!
Kylee S. May 22, 2008, 6:51pm EDT
This is awsome, Laura. What a great reminder. I wish you much love, happiness, and healing.

peace
Laura C. May 23, 2008, 7:24pm EDT
thank you Kylee, I really appreciate that.
Zachary S. May 23, 2008, 7:37pm EDT
and some of us who "make the right decisions" can't cope with them, and beat ourselves up over it. great post. sobering. thought provoking. as you say, we truly are works in progress.
Laura C. May 25, 2008, 12:03am EDT
thank you for that....I agree with you..
Thomas W. Jun 2, 2008, 5:14pm EDT
it's passing difficult to surprise me.
you did it.

bravo.

(i caught this on a Spotlight a few minutes ago: new to the scene. -keep writing. i INSIST.)
Anne E. Jun 3, 2008, 11:20am EDT
wow Laura! i did NOT expect that....
Laura C. Jun 3, 2008, 12:45pm EDT
it's great to see you again Anne. It's been a long time.

thank you so much Thomas! I love to write..it's a release for me..I plan to keep going! welome to gather.
Amy C. Jun 6, 2008, 8:57am EDT
Good reflection and also healing.

I wish you the best!
Dawne Joy Jun 6, 2008, 9:03am EDT
wow that is so true. WoW!
Wayne P. Jun 7, 2008, 12:04pm EDT
I read this before and swear it was about someone else. I was very surprised by the ending.
Laura C. Jun 7, 2008, 12:19pm EDT
thank you all....it helped to write it...helped release some feelings...better to let them out and try and let them go then to keep them in and try and medicate them with food.
Valerie P. Jun 7, 2008, 1:17pm EDT
Wow. It is always hardest to admit to the truth to ourselves. I lived in denial about my marriage for too long. The emotional healing didn't start until I admitted the truth to myself that it was over.
Wilma D. Jun 7, 2008, 1:21pm EDT
I'm glad you went there. Sometimes we are our own worst enemies, to use a cliché. You have to look out for your own best interests, because you can't count on anyone else to do that for you. I'm still learning that lesson myself.
Laura C. Jun 7, 2008, 9:34pm EDT
me too Wilma...I think we're all a work in progress...

you're reight Valerie, it is hard to admit these things to ourselves...
Laura C. Jun 8, 2008, 11:58am EDT
thanks Mike...you're right...we do
Curt L. Jun 8, 2008, 1:46pm EDT
Wonderful, Laura! Thank you so much!
Ginny A. Jun 8, 2008, 2:00pm EDT
Interesting. Glad you are starting to love yourself. You can never really love someone else until you do.
Denise B. Jun 9, 2008, 7:52am EDT
very good
Laura C. Jun 9, 2008, 10:23pm EDT
thank you both very much.
Bob C. Jun 10, 2008, 7:48am EDT
That's a good way to look at things Laura, when we realize that no matter how much someone else loves us and can help us that at times we are the only one that can help ourself with certain things it is a beginning of getting on the right track. I know I have been on and off that track a couple of times in my life! It sounds like you are on the track right now, so hang in and ride it until you find that the end holds a great destination.

Good luck! Also great story to express it all!
Laura C. Jun 10, 2008, 12:04pm EDT
Thank you Bob! i'm trying my best!! it's not always easy, but it's worth it to love yourself.
necee t. Jun 10, 2008, 2:21pm EDT
wonderful job, Laura... you are doing much better... God bless you...

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Laura C. Jun 10, 2008, 10:52pm EDT
thanks...I definitely feel better about myself....and I do treat myself with alot more love.
Teresa W. Jun 11, 2008, 6:26am EDT
Ouch! At first I was thinking mother but then when I saw it was self, ouch! That's always been a tough one for me to remember, love yourself. I'm better at it now. I enjoyed reading this even though it did really hit home for me, ouch! :-)
Laura C. Jun 11, 2008, 8:47am EDT
Lol Teresa!! that was kind of the idea....a while back I just realized that I didn't treat myself very well...I had to take a hard look at it, and I didn't like what I saw...I really am doing better at it most of the time...I still need a swift kick every once in awhile though lol
Dove D. Jun 12, 2008, 2:32am EDT
WOW!!!!
Laura C. Jun 12, 2008, 9:16am EDT
I hope that was a good wow lol
Cindy P. Jun 27, 2008, 9:16pm EDT
It's hard to leave a relationship even when you want to and know you should. I'm just glad you finally got the strength and did it.
Laura C. Jun 27, 2008, 9:20pm EDT
i'm not sure what you mean, since I was writing about myself, but I definitely appreciate your commenting!!

though I have left a few pretty bad relationships too...
Paul Kurrey Jun 30, 2008, 11:07pm EDT
WOW...guess i have to agree...I let "them" crap on me too....thought I found the love of my life a few years back....nah she was hooking off the internet while we were living together.....glad she didn't log out one night...had fun answering the IM's and got some great songs....Good night pretty lady!
Laura C. Jun 30, 2008, 11:32pm EDT
thanks Paul....I'm sorry you had to go through that..I do understand...my ex husband cheated on me....got her pregnant....it's rough when you really trust someone and they betray you that way.....sweet dreams to you!!
Laura C. Jul 6, 2008, 10:19am EDT
I agree with that...it's really all we can do...sometimes things just happen...sometimes they are from our own mistakes, sometimes not....i've learned that life still goes on...
Laura C. Jul 7, 2008, 8:18am EDT
you're very sweet, thank you...yes the picture is me...it's a couple of months old now. this was actually painful to write, but once I was done I found it really helped me to let it out.
Kelly M. Jul 7, 2008, 10:12pm EDT
very powerful!
Laura C. Jul 7, 2008, 11:25pm EDT
thanks Kelly
Curt Scott Jul 9, 2008, 9:36am EDT
Nice job on the article, Laura. It was a powerful move to give such an open view of yourself to the world.
Peace
Laura C. Jul 9, 2008, 12:25pm EDT
thank you Curt...I almost didn't post it because it was so personal...but with all the positive comments i've gotten i'm glad I did.
Steve C. Jul 9, 2008, 12:33pm EDT
Hi Laura,

This is a hauntingly accurate article that affirms all life experiences that are hurtful and damage our self esteem are rooted in the first rejection, which is when we reject, then abandon ourselves
Thanks for writing, and the willingness to share it
SC
Carol P. Jul 9, 2008, 2:37pm EDT
laura, I think we are all a work in progress. This is a heartfelt article. Keep writing my friend.
Laura C. Jul 9, 2008, 2:40pm EDT
thank you both so much. i'm working at it....I decided awhile ago to not let the things i've gone through define me...they're a part of who i am sure, but they aren't all of me...
Carol P. Jul 9, 2008, 3:18pm EDT
That's right Laura, I have found myself redefining who I am many times over. Still not sure on some days.
Laura C. Jul 9, 2008, 3:22pm EDT
i'm with you there...life would be so much easier if we knew exactly who we are wouldn't it? but learning can be fun sometimes too.
William Dotani Jul 13, 2008, 11:46pm EDT
I often say I'm my own worst critic. This article is filled with emotion of self loathing and that's not very healthy. I had a stroke. I did it to myself, but I accept it.
Laura C. Jul 14, 2008, 12:42am EDT
I don't loathe myself at all..that's not what this article is about...it's about letting go of treating myself badly..it's about making myself a priority...for me it's about not allowing myself to be treated wrong any longer. I actually think it's a healthy article because I let it out and stopped internalizing the pain...
Anne E. Jul 14, 2008, 2:06am EDT
I don't see how anyone could see this as you hating yourself Laura. I got the point you were trying to make. You didn't love yourself the way you needed to...the way you should have. I get that you're trying to now though. good for you.
DIANE D. Jul 22, 2008, 6:25pm EDT
I totally relate to this, great job!
Laura C. Jul 22, 2008, 6:37pm EDT
Thanks Diane! unfortunately I think alot of people can relate to this...we all should be better to ourselves.
April H. Aug 12, 2008, 9:55am EDT
Thanks
Charlie B. Oct 16, 2008, 1:41am EDT
This is well written and so true that we are constantly fooling ourselves.
Laura C. Oct 16, 2008, 1:43am EDT
thanks Charlie...It was really hard to write, but I felt much better after I did...i'm still working on it.
Michelle C. Oct 30, 2008, 12:08am EDT
Wow. Deeply expressed
Michelle C. Oct 30, 2008, 12:08am EDT
So true to many people
Laura C. Oct 30, 2008, 12:19am EDT
thanks....I was so hard to write.
Ron B. Nov 1, 2008, 8:24pm EDT
Wow Laura. I must have been in a comma when you first posted it. Excellent.
Kathryn E. Nov 1, 2008, 8:25pm EDT
Wow.
Laura C. Nov 1, 2008, 8:43pm EDT
thank you both. I'm pretty proud of this post..I lived it and survied, and i'm proud of that too!