A girl in my son's bed

I've got a teenager, and in my house, there would be serious consequences to pay. If she simply needed a place to crash, he should have come to you. He could have given her his bed and taken the couch, or vice versa. And talking back? No way, Jose. He may almost be a legal adult, but as a member of your home, he has to follow the code of conduct you've created.

Nope, nada, not even for a minute. He can do what he wants when he gets his own place.

If one of my kids talked to me like that they'd be moving out 5 minutes later.

I think if it happen to me I would be upset. First I hope my son would come to me and ask if his friend could crash on the couch. We have plenty of room for guests. But the disrespect thing would not be tolerated by me.

I suggest waiting til he is more calmer than talking with him.

So far he is grounded and has a long list of chores to do. I am not sure what is next, but that will keep him busy long enough for me to think of what is next.

18, don't live in my house, and pay your own bills. Do what you want someplace else, I pay the housing costs here.

I am with sharon on this one, respect is not over rated

I think my parents would have killed me, but when I was 17 I was planning my wedding. Mine are only 4 & 6 right now and im not looking forward to the teens years. I hope he finally tells you the truth. I was and am always open and honest with my parents and I hope that I have the same thing with my boys when they get older.

Do you know anyone with a baby you could get for a night? Buy him condoms. Have a long open talk with him and see if you cant get him to open up. Keep him busy doing housework, for talking back. Let him know you will not put up with it. Good luck

He still lives under your roof so I think you definately have the right to put the kebosh on shennanigans in your house.

Really, we know how this works. We were all teens once. He's 18 so he's legal. He's going to have sex with her (if he hasn't already) so maybe you should find out if he's using a condom? Personally, I wouldn't get that uptight about it once I knew he wasn't being stupid about protecting himself.

I am sure that the yelling at you was a defense action. As in he KNEW he did something wrong and yelling at you and calling you names makes you feel guilty.

I have to give you credit on how you handled it. Waking him and telling him to send her home... My parents would have went through the roof...

He is not quite legal. He will be 18 in a month. I have had many discussions about condoms, and protecting himself. I have also talked about respecting women. I think I am more bothered that I don't even know who this girl is. If it was someone that he has been dating, and part of the family, I wouldn't be so shocked.

I think you have every right to expect your son to show you and your home the respect they both deserve. I am the mother of two teens (daughter, 17 & son, 16) and they know where the line is. They also know that can (and have) come to me with embarrasing and mind boggling problems/situations knowing that there will be a reaction. After the initial reaction, though, we work it through.
I also think, that if what he says about the situation that brought the girl to his room is true, he should have told you. Even at 6am I think any Mom would have ofered refuge to a child in need. The couch would have been the best place for his guest.
Still your roof, still your rules!!!

It is your house and he should have some respect for you.

Sue, if it hadn't BEEN a rule, and never discussed, I think that it would be wise to make it a rule now.

One thing on teenagers - it's best to give BOTH of you space until you can calmly discuss the matter. Frequently with my own kids I've found that I do much better with them when we can talk calmly. Teenagers especially have a short fuse (I like to blame it on hormones), but the blow-ups also don't last long.

Sit him down and have quiet time with him and discuss what happened and better ways to deal with it next time (i.e., if a friend really needs a place to cool off and calm down, yeah, they can come sleep on the couch, or in the downstairs guest bedroom, etc.).

Also let him know that the name-calling was disrespectful and hurtful, and won't be tolerated.

Thanks Lisa. You have some good advice, and one that I follow with him. He has bipolar disorder too, so it complicates issues a bit. He needs space to cool down, and I respect that. He is back to calling me mommy, so he is kissing up now. We talked calmly a little while ago. I don't yell at my children. I don't think it accomplishes much.

Ahem. Just in case you didn't get the full story, now is the time to reinforce no play without protection. For God's sakes buy a box of condoms. And put them where he can access them. With a reminder of course that it means he will have nine months to find his own place if he does use them.

I say your house, your rules.

How old was the girl? Then I can reply.

They are both under 18 Chick.

Oh the good old days...I used to pull that crap on my parents...I wuld say the same sort of thin, they called early this morning, needed a place to crash...or we fell asleep, and didn't wake up until now...I was allowed to have my boyfriend over, but not with my door closed, but it didn't matter anyway, because my parents would let us go down in the basement to watch movies, and we could here them coming...anyway...I sort of agree with what someone said about him yelling at you...he probably did that because he knew he was in a little trouble. Good luck...if it's your house mama, it's your rules...let him know that!

I think it's great first of all that you did not yell at him and fly off...

Personally, I don't think it's about lack of respect, he's young... I do agree that he should have told you, or asked you before having her stay over... It could be something sincerely honest. I don't have kids, but I know that I would have flown off the handle if I would have been in your situation.

Use your instinct, and your judgment! :)

I caught mine sneaking a girl out one morning...but, he was over 21 and I still was mad as could be. It wasn't long after that he was told to move out for good. When the kids were still living at home (in high school and college) they weren't allowed to take girlfriends or boyfriends to their rooms. Kids are sneaky at that age, and most lie...it is a hard time to be a parent.

Have you checked-out David Walsh's books yet? He wrote one about the teenage brain. Long and short of it is that the teenage brain isn't that good at rational reasoning, even into the early twenties. That's why rules are still important. They won't think through things in the best way, so it helps if there are clear boundaries to fall back on--like no girls in bed. Also, they can get angry and embarrassed when they realize they've done something stupid.

He needs to respect you and your rules!

i remember the first time I woke to find a girl in my son's room. i did a double take and walked away embarrassed.

I suppose he was still my little darling, but we talked and discussed it like adults. He was really good to talk to and if he had spoken to me in any other way then he would have been asked to leave.

My immediate thought when I received this notification that maybe a girlfriend would be a good thing for your son (knowing the problems you have had with him) Leave it alone for a day or so then try talking to him. if he rants and raves, then you know what to do.

I would not tolerate it for one minute. Like a lot of other people have said, it is your house and your rules. I always told my kids when you are old enough you can get your own place and make your own rules, until then you will go by mine. It is funny how their tune has changed now that they are on their own.

As far as the screaming at you, I had that problem a few time with my daughter. I would tell them "you can talk to me when you can lower your voice and give me the respect I deserve" and it would kind of snap her out of it.

woah,, I agree with Tabitha!

If she needed a place to stay thats different and they did not have to be in the same bed..

Good luck with that! I dont think if it was a "gf" you would have felt better.. he should resepct your wishes in your home!

I believe this shows a lack or respect. And the fact that he is yelling at you and calling you names shows that he needs a lesson or two. My 23 year old daughter is currently living at home, and she knows that certain things are totally off limits in our home. Yes, she is an adult, but as long as she is living under our roof...the roof we paid for...than she needs to respect our rules. If not, then she can get back out on her own. I would say that even if the girl was a girlfriend, the same rules should apply.

Even though your son is technically considered an adult she should repsect your house rulse because he lives there with you. I think it was lack of respect for him to do what he did and then to yell and call you names.

I think that he should have come to you if she needed a place to stay. I also think that she could have slept some where besides his bed.

Sue, while your son is living under your roof, he should respect your wishes and your rules. Maybe you need to sit down with your husband and set some if you don't already have them. Then sit down with your son and talk to him about them. I remember Oprah making the comment that "we teach people how to treat us." If you don't let him know that his behavior is unacceptable, he will probably continue it. By the way, how about your son learning to do his own laundry? Someday he will be out of his own (hopefully) and need to be able to do it. I wish you the best. Keep us posted here on Mother to Mother.

My son does his own laundry, but his last load was in the dryer. I need to work on my own, so I folded it up and took it to his room. Secondly, I don't have a husband. He moved out and is now sleeping with his boyfriend. Thirdly, my son has bipolar disorder, so he explodes sometimes. He was in the wrong and got defensive. I had to give him some space to cool down like he has learned in his anger management classes. Once he calmed down we talked and I have set my limits, and reminded him about respecting me. Believe me this is mild from his behavior many years ago. He was at one time physically abusive as well as verbal. We have come a long way.
I guess I have prepared myself for this situation, but I didn't. It really caught me off guard. I have been through so many difficult things with this child. Dealing with bipolar disorder is difficult and sometimes the answers aren't as straight forward as with a regular kid.

Well, my house, my rules. But we need to be aware of special needs. I remember in college sleeping with a guy with both our clothes on. Maybe that's all it was.

I think you were very reasonable in your reaction. He had Absolutely no grounds on which to be yelling at you Or calling you names! Your house, your rules... don't like it? Move out.

Ah, just saw your comment two above mine. His outburst makes a lot more sense now lol. Still, I commend you for your patience, diligence, and deft handling. Hopefully, this can become one of those family tales that you laugh about later.

..
U wishing you laughter

Hi. I stumbled on this. Some thirty years ago I was a teenage boy who liked to have girls in my room! I think, like anything teens do, this is an opportunity to offer a life lesson and some advice. Explain to the boy that it was inappropriate for her to be there without your knowledge. Also use the opportunity to have the "talk". But it's also a chance to tell him you respect him as a young adult and understand that he is going through major life changes. Let him know that it is not the concept of him being with a girl that was inappropriate, it was her being in his bed in your home without your consent.

He may feel it is HIS home too and he has unalienable rights. Be sensitive to that although you have to assert that you are the monarch of the house. His rights are not absolute and do not trump yours. But acknowledge that he does have rights.

I'm with so many folks above...some sage advice here. I like Rich's man-outlook & take on this also. He's thinking of treating your son as an almost-adult with some respect.
I think, from reading your works, that you are an excellent momma, and deserving of respect from your son. I like the idea of you giving some of that respect back.

I will offer this (as a momma who took in 4 additional teens who were expelled from their own homes.)
1) It may be true. She may have been bumming out, or unable to drive, or molested in her own home or at a party. It may not have been sexual at all. That doesn't change the outcome though, does it?
2) I admire anyone who reaches out to help another (compassion within common sense's boundaries is an awesome thing) so:
A. Set the household ground rules for the future in your head prior to your discussion with him. Perhaps even right them down with the reasoning behind the rules. It takes the personality clash out of the mix, and there is real power in the written word. Explain that it is not a "list" of rules, but a way for you to keep your thoughts organized, and to not react illogically to the situation. You regard this as an important event in your relationship with him.... He may roll his eyes, and say that it was only one night, one person, "and nothing happened." Well, something did happen. There is a disconnect in your view of your house and your son. Something you want repaired.

Here's some of my old rules, use them if you want to:
A1) You have to know about anyone in your house, at any time, because it becomes your legal issue...especially overnight folks.
A2) You can allow occasional overnight use of the couch for his friends. Not his own bed. Definitely not with him in it too.
A3) You are consulted, the situation fully explained, PRIOR to the offer of sanctuary under your roof.

B. Have no conversations until you've done your thinking, and allowed him to do his.
B1) He apologizes, and you apologize for anything said to hurt the other. Specifics.
B2) There will be two essays (minimum 500 words each) about the situation. One from his point of view, and one (he has to write) from the parent's point of view. (My kids dreaded this more than anything else...it forces them to see the other side as hard words will never do.) It also allows them to develop a parent's view of the world.
B3) Together (after the essays, LOL!) you have your cuppa tea and he has his mountain dew as you come up with the written rules of the house.
B3.1. You promise to shelter him, feed him, protect him.
B3.2. He promises to respect you, respect the shelter, the food, and the protection.
B3.3. He promises to protect you and the shelter by not bringing home mean, dangerous or trash people, drugs, or weapons.

You both explain that you love each other--no matter what, and that you can each empathize with the battles going on for each (both) of you in your common, and different worlds.

Then, he has to help you cook and clean up.
The trick for making punishment stick? No punishment. Punishment never works.
Working together, side by side? That works.

Good luck. I survived...just barely. The funny thing was, when my own babes wanted to rebel as teens do, the adopteds, who came off the street and with nothing, would step up and say, "Hey, you don't want to go there, dude. You don't know how bad it is outside the circle." Sometimes, other than the poverty part, it was the nicest part of having "extra kids." Oh, and Christmas was always lovely. It still is, cause the extra babes come around for the holidays, and bring their beautiful children, too, to meet AntKat.
Now, I'm glad it took it on...at the time, I kept wondering if I was certifiable...
Somehow, it worked.

The other thing is, I used to have the abuse hotline number posted by the phone. Along with the police and ambulance numbers. The reasoning behind this was that I was still the final jury, judge, and potential executioner in any and all situations. The one major rule of the house that was an immediate 911 situation was that no one could bring drugs, weapons, or dangerous people (in MY judgement) into the house.
This rule was breeched only once in the 14 years of "teening..." and we never had to call the hotline number, although all holy hell rolled out in big dangerous waves...and I ended up removing one adult from the house myself. They laugh about it now, 10 years later...they called it projective eviction.

Blessings on your clear thinking, and on your heart. This is one of those stories he'll tell his family when we're gone. How you resolve this (and it is up to you to handle how it works out...) may determine how peaceful your life is over the next 5 years.

Good luck,
Wilka

Sue, it sounds like you've been through a lot! And it also sounds like you handled it well with your son. You're a strong woman.

Sue , it is hard with a bi polar child or adult, they become defensive very quickly, it is a reaction and I know you knew that and didn't yell at him. I believe the text message thing and him not thinking about it and telling her to just go to sleep and she did, both were fully dressed, and I think it was probably innocent. I am sure since you have talked together calmly about this, he will know better next time and point to the couch, if there is a next time. Teenage boys no matter what,are a handful. I think you acted wisely Sue, the chores are a good thing, and some grounding if you think it is necessary, but his illness doesn't give him good judgment all the time. Take care,

Your house---your rules. No exception.

Tough situation. But, it is your house and if you don't want "guests" in his bed, that's your right to request that. And I think it's great that you understand his need to cool off, especially with the bipolar. Moods are harder to control for him, as I'm sure you know. And I'm sure he felt awkward and possibly embarassed.

My one concern would be this girl -- did she really need a place to stay and why? See, when I was 16, I snuck out one night, got caught, and ran away. My parents had the cops all over looking for me, and I was at a "friends" house. I would hate for you to get caught in the middle with the cops looking for a runaway, you know?

Your house, your rules. I think that should be the end of it.

I would have had a long talk with "friend" before she left and she would know that its not acceptable.

I wouldn't have been prepared for it either. I have three boys and they are not of dating age (thank goodness) and I am sooooo not ready for any of that. I do agree with the it's your house and your rules thing. I think it sounds like you handled it pretty well.

It sounds like you each have taken some time to calm down. What has the girl had to say? What about her parents?

At least they were wearing clothes, but I do think letting her crash on the couch would have been more acceptable. As a matter of respect, he should have asked you if the girl could stay.
Good for you for adding chores to the grounding. There is no lesson learned if a grounded teen just sits around the house glaring at his parents and whining. I agree - put him to work!

Hello Sue.

Good luck reaching your cash goal this month. I hope being on our Cash Option go-getters list for June helps you get there!!!

your home your rules and he should know them all